While you were gone…
After two weeks of paternity leave, you're expected to go back to
work as if nothing had happened. Author and father Stephen Giles shares
some wisdom with other working dads on how to cope.
An emotional upheaval
Unless you plan to be a stay-at-home dad or work from home, you'll be
among the thousands of men who trudge back to the office after the 14-day
blur of babycare, cooing relatives and general upheaval that is paternity
leave.
It might seem like a blissful respite, given the level of pandemonium
at home, but the return to work isn't always the clear-cut break that
it appears. Leaving your partner with the baby after such an intensive
period of bonding is bound to be an emotional upheaval; her job will suddenly
get harder, while your priorities are suddenly elsewhere. But somehow
you have to muddle through the day job and still have enough energy to
continue the crucial bonding process with your new baby in the evenings.
The pinch is felt almost everywhere, and sometimes in the unlikeliest
places. When a friend of mine went back to work after the birth of his
first son he tried his best to be the consummate professional in the office.
Sadly, no one told his colleagues about this, and they spent hours bombarding
him with requests for photos, offers of second-hand trikes and burp cloths,
and general reminiscences about their own experiences of parenthood.
Time out
Whether or not office life returns to normal for you, it is time out
of the house and away from the routine of baby care. You'll need to ensure
your partner has some time off to break her routine with the baby - maybe
the occasional afternoon out, or a night on the tiles with friends - something
that will reassure her that life isn't moving on without her.
Weekends are another potential flashpoint. Once your time to relax after
a busy working week, they will now be filled with the many jobs that your
partner simply cannot hope to manage in your absence. She has the upper
hand here: your work is just five days a week, hers is seven, so you've
got to bend on the weekend time. At least it's a good opportunity for
bonding (you'll be surprised at how motor sport can grab the attention
of a three-week-old).
The sleep nightmare
Sleep is probably the number one 'fear factor' surrounding the return
to work. Suddenly those long afternoon meetings in a warm boardroom start
to feel like the perfect opportunity for a nice nap. But if you want to
avoid falling face-first into your coffee and digestives, you'll need
to work out a strategy for getting enough night-time sleep to survive
the day.
Note the use of the word 'enough'. We're talking about military rations
here. Unless you're phenomenally lucky, you'll have disturbed sleep for
a few months, and surviving this period is all about sharing out the tasks
to give everyone a basic minimum of four hours unbroken kip each night.
Any less than that and you or your partner simply won't function. You
could come over all 'caveman' about is and say that just because you're
the wage-earner you should get your eight hours, but ask yourself whether
you would like to be left in charge of a newborn baby while chronically
sleep-deprived? Thought not.
When our first child was born we broke the night session into three chunks
of four hours. Whoever handled the baby during the middle section (commonly
known as the graveyard shift) got to sleep for the other two sessions.
We rotated the schedule to keep both of us on the right side of human
and it worked. Just about.
Sitting on the sidelines
Another common and entirely understandable side-effect of getting back
to work is feeling a bit sidelined from the developing relationship between
your partner and the baby. This comes into sharp focus when she becomes
involved in a whole community of health visitors and postnatal clubs.
Views get shared, advice is exchanged and suddenly you're hearing about
changes in your child's upbringing second-hand.
It's easy to be suspicious, particularly of the health visitor, who has
the potential to play a major role in your partner's life over the coming
months. Left unchecked, your image of this woman can spiral into a vision
of a new-age Svengali, weaving a hypnotic spell of bizarre childcare theories
developed by Mayan witchdoctors. Or maybe that was just me.
Anyway, the answer's simple - handle the six months after the birth as
you managed pregnancy. Make sure you've got some leave saved back, so
you can attend your baby's six-week (or thereabouts) check at the doctor.
Get to at least one health visitor session, and to the parent-and-baby
clinic if there is one near you
You're better off than you thought!
There's practical reasons for fearing the months after the birth too,
particularly for monetary reasons. If you're at all worried, sit down
and make a list of your living expenses pre-birth (cinema, theatre, restaurants,
holidays, alcohol, season tickets for Chelsea etc.), then deduct those
expenses from your total outgoings, because you don't stand a chance of
doing any of them for at least the duration of your partner's maternity
leave. Hey Presto, suddenly you're better off than you thought - as long
as you manage to rein in the spending on Gucci baby clothes.
In all seriousness, the essential message for all men worried about handling
the period after the birth of the baby is 'remember you're a team'. Throwing
a metaphorical fence around yourself while you earn the money will result
in a strained relationship with your partner, precious little precious
time with your baby and, quite probably, an awful lot of strange looks
from your colleagues, who will be expecting the occasional appearance
with burped up milk all down your suit, or to have you absent-mindedly
call them 'darling'.
So maintain your share of the responsibilities, keep everyone's sleep
levels as high as possible, get friends and family to help out, trust
your partner's postnatal support network, try to take some time out for
just you and your partner, and don't forget that her role caring for the
baby is a full-time job as demanding and exhausting as your own.
And don't forget to stuff your wallet with baby pictures.
Stephen Giles is the author of From Lad to Dad, How to Survive as
a Pregnant Father and You're the Daddy - From Nappy Mess to Happiness
in One Year.
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