 Fatherhood
and Me
When Niraj Kapur became a father six years ago he wrote, very movingly
about the joys and pain of fatherhood. Here, he updates us on his journey
and quest to support his family whilst remaining a good father.
Reminiscing
My daughter, Shreya, celebrated her sixth birthday recently. I also celebrated
turning thirty-four. Everybody bought her lovely presents and showered
her with masses of affection. I got a pat on the back and a few pecks
on the cheek. Considering my birthday is the only time of the year I treat
myself, you'd think I'd be disheartened by this lack of attention - but
I wasn't. My beautiful daughter was growing up and I was the doting father.
In the last six years my daughter has endured various transformations.
Learning to crawl (so sweet), learning to walk (she looked like a drunk)
and learning to run (scary, she banged into everything). My wife, Shweta,
spent two years at home taking care of her and was naturally, a little
disheartened when her first word was "Dada" followed by "Bart" due my
excessive watching of The Simpsons.
Changes at Home
Shweta unselfishly took care of Shreya at home for two years before we
decided to start Shreya at Nursery School so that Shweta could set up
her own health and beauty salon. She was going stir crazy at home with
a baby and no adult company for twelve hours a day. Unfortunately this
meant she was working non-stop. So when Shreya turned four, I left my
job and took a three month break. It was the best three months of my life.
I loved being more involved in her life. It made me envy the parents
who, according to the government, are now getting up to six months paid
leave. Six months! When Shreya was born, I only got five days paid leave
and I had to beg for that. Another week unpaid was offered, but babies
are so expensive that I had no choice but to return to work. I loved spending
this time with my child, not only because it was fulfilling for my soul
(apart from when she cried), but it made me appreciate what my mother,
grandmother and wife had to ensure over the years. Running a household
and being a parent is hard work - how do parents fit in jobs as well?
Growing baby
Shreya has grown into an adorable child. She is affectionate, good-natured
and hilariously witty. She's a social butterfly with many friends. Every
weekend is a pyjama party. Plus she happily doles out fresh strawberries,
pineapple chunks, cookies and ice-cream to her friends since she is blissfully
ignorant of the concept of money. Even on sports day, when she came last
and joked about it she got more attention than the winners. Unfortunately,
she has started raising her voice and pointing when she gets angry. She's
also a constant daydreamer (like her father!). Her flaws makes me adore
her even more.
Parental Guilt
My wife and I both work 50 hours a week to ensure bills get paid, but
we've never had any savings and Shreya has nothing put aside for her future.
I took up writing for children's television in 2003. It's fun, but the
money is awful and I wanted something more substantial to ensure a little
nest egg for Shreya. I've always felt guilty about the amount of time
I have spent trying to do this. In early 2005, my guilt reached optimum
level and I begun work on a female fiction novel, Heaven's Delight.
It is a romantic comedy adventure about getting a second chance at life
and finding meaning and value in a tumultuous world.
Success
I believe in taking risks to succeed. Sometimes those risks fail (my
music career), sometimes those risks work (our health and beauty salon)
but any dream takes time and money, two vital factors that you do not
want to lose when being a parent. There's no gift that can make-up for
not spending enough time with your child, although there have been times
Shreya has said if I bought her another Bratz doll, she wouldn't mind.
I've felt terrible that for the 18 months I've been working on my dreams
I've arranged for my family and best friend to take care of Shreya. When
I see how happy she is part of me is so glad to have these people in our
lives, but I am also ashamed that I cannot properly provide for her with
one job and spend the time with her that she deserves.
However, as my sister explained, "the most important thing is that your
daughter is going out and having a good time. She's learning from others,
interacting with adults and other children. That's much better than being
stuck in the house watching telly or wasting money on a summer play scheme.
You love your daughter and you're doing this novel to provide a better
future for her. This is a short-term project. Long-term, you will all
reap the rewards."
My sister was right (women usually are!) Now Heaven's Delight is finished
and is already pre-selling copies, I feel a huge sense of relief. Last
weekend we went cycling in the park, shopping in Claire's accessories,
ate like monsters in Pizza Hut and the money means I can put aside a little
extra for my child... If only I could give up the day job!
by Niraj Kapur
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