Bringing up baby
Channel 4's current childcare programme Bringing up baby
has caused a storm amongst mothers objecting to some of the methods advocated.
We take a look at the different ways of learning how to raise a child and
ask do the experts really hold the key?
Once upon a time…
Once upon a time, women conceived, were pregnant and gave birth. Apparently,
they did this for millions of years, without stressing about whether they
should feed on demand or let their child scream themselves to sleep. It's
only fairly recently that these issues have started creeping into the
anxious maternal mentality, as author Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall recalls.
"Forty-something years ago, when I had my babies, there were no specialist
magazines, websites or DVDs. Our only book was good old Dr Spock. Home
births were frowned on and underwater births not yet invented.
"In many countries, this less neurotic way of parenting is still the
norm. However, particularly in the West, we have become obsessed about
not making even the tiniest mistake with our offspring and a huge industry
has grown out of our insecurity.
Books, magazines, websites, television programmes, baby gurus and parenting
courses all claim to offer the answers to your every question, while well
meaning family, friends and even strangers are always ready to offer their
opinion. The question is what is the best way to prepare for motherhood?
And, more importantly, does anything really prepare you for what lies
ahead?
Surfing the web
Nearly everything you need to read or know can be accessed on the web.
According to the Office for National Statistics, at least 42% of British
households have access to the internet so it makes sense that many mums-to-be
will use this as one of their main ways of accessing information.
There are countless UK, US and other parenting websites offering everything
you need to know about conception, pregnancy, birth and beyond, both in
terms of factual comment and cyber support. One of babyworld's huge attractions
is the thriving online antenatal community, where pregnant women can chat
to others in the same boat and share concerns, niggles and jokes, as member
Samantha reveals.
"Sites like this are great. I know I learnt a lot from the more experienced
mums in my May antenatal group."
Another member, Pottedshew, agrees, "babyworld was essential with all
my little worries, which, at the time, I felt were enormous."
Being a bookworm
With the rise in popularity of the internet, is there still a place in
the modern household for parenting books and magazines? It seems they
still form part of the 'pick-and-mix' approach that many of us take to
information-gathering, although many of our parents were less than complimentary
about them.
"I'm a first-time-mum-to-be and I have looked at a couple of books but
didn't find them very good," says Dawn, "I thought they were rather patronising
in some cases or didn't really relate to 'real life'." Babyworlder Hayles
wonders if they even make matters worse, "Reading books will only tell
you how things 'should be done', leading you to question your abilities."
Many of the UK's parenting magazines have started trying to establish
an online presence, recognising that cyberspace is fast becoming the way
to gain followers. Many of the babyworlders who got in touch with us about
this feature said that they preferred the web's more open approach than
what they saw as the often more 'glamourised' version of birth and motherhood
on magazine covers. Equally, some members view with jaded eyes the growing
trend for any A, B, C, D (or lower) celebrity to write a book about parenting,
discipline or birth.
Mum's the word
With many things in life, we are encouraged to speak to those 'in the
know' to get the low-down on what to expect: from a possible career choice
to what it's like pushing out a baby from what seems to be an impossibly
small exit. The advantage is that these real-life 'experts' can tell us
things that factual sources such as books, web pages and magazines omit
to mention.
There's a lot to be said for this method of investigation, as babyworlder
Debbieann says. "Spending a lot of time with couples who had children
helped me to make up my mind whether I really wanted to do this before
I even got pregnant. To be the first woman in your peer group to become
a mum must be so hard, so I'd say get out there and make friends with
parents before becoming one."
Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall also believes that we can learn a lot from
those who have been through it all. "When I had my children, we routinely
stayed in hospital for a week after the birth, learning how to care for
the baby, getting the hang of breast-feeding and simply resting. Nowadays,
young mothers don't have that respite. They could do worse than enlist
their own mum's help. Most grandmothers long to be involved, but make
sure they are up to date by lending them your childcare books."
Learning from experience
It's the proverbial Catch-22 situation: some mums say you can't possibly
know what motherhood entails without being a mum first. However, as these
babyworlders show, there are alternatives.
"I've had 'practical' experience with my nieces," Marie explains. "I
helped look after my eldest niece when she was six months old and my sister
broke her ankle. Also, my other sister had postnatal depression when her
baby was only two weeks old so I stayed with her to help her out. This
really showed me what it's like to have a newborn but, of course, I still
got to hand her back and walk away after a week to catch up on my sleep!"
 Emma
agrees, "Spending time with other people's young children helped with
the practical side, which, in turn, helped when I was so sleep-deprived
that I was on auto-pilot. However, nothing prepares you for how it actually
feels! The tiredness I coped with quite well, having worked in bars and
nightclubs throughout my 20s.
But the feeling of helplessness when you have tried everything and your
baby is still crying, or the feeling of shame if your baby cries in public.
I know that if I have another I will deal with these issues better as
I now know that sometimes there is nothing you can do but for those months
it was awful."
Looking after someone else's children can be a fantastic way of acquainting
yourself with all the practical issues of parenting but, as Emma and Marie
pointed out, it can never show you the whole range of emotions you will
be subjected to. Babyworld moderator Carole, who is about
to be matched with adoptive children, faces the same issues.
"I personally think I've had more preparation than most, purely due
to the amount of time I've been planning this through our adoption course.
I have thought about it so much, learned so much over the years, and I
have looked after all my nieces and nephews but I agree - absolutely nothing
can prepare you for the 24/7 responsibility of being a parent. And I'm
glad, because it is too special to take for granted. I will learn as I
go and I know it's going to be a massive culture shock for us!"
Nothing prepares you
This naturally leads on to the next question: can anything fully prepare
you for the life-changing event that's about to take place? Sure, you
might be a dab-hand at heating bottles or changing nappies but can you
ever emotionally feel as if you're ready? A recent poll we ran on the
subject showed an overwhelming 65% of you think we can never go into motherhood
with our eyes completely open, as does experienced childminder and babyworld
moderator Kaye.
"I spent 20 years caring for babies and under-fives, and 15 of those
years trying to get pregnant myself, and I still do not think I was prepared.
The practical side - yes - it's easy to learn how to change a nappy and
burp a baby etc. The emotional side? Definitely not. None of it prepared
me for the actuality of having a small person completely dependant on
me 24/7."
Trust your instincts
Even if you choose to read all the books in the library, attend every
local antenatal class, and sign up for all the parenting websites, this
does not necessarily mean you will enter parenthood more enlightened than
if you had done nothing at all. Admittedly, you will be more knowledgeable
about what might happen in labour, birth and beyond but that doesn't translate
into being more emotionally prepared for what will happen to you. Instead,
you are going to have to rely on your own judgements to get through this,
as babyworlder Immy recommends.
"Become as prepared for the birth as possible: NHS and NCT classes are
great but keep in mind that all that matters is that you and the baby
are OK. Try to trust your instincts too and don't get too bogged down
with 'manuals'. Just do what works for you and your baby. Be prepared
for difficulties and arm yourself with a good support network to help
you carry on if it gets tough."
Katy agrees, adding, "Nothing can prepare you for what it's like; you
can only draw on the experiences of others and take what you want from
them to help you figure it out for yourself." Psychologist and expert
in antenatal and postnatal depression Dr Sandra Wheatly concurs with the
advice given by these mothers. "You need to be honest with yourself and
admit that you are embarking on a life-changing experience. And this applies
to your first or seventh child. Each pregnancy, birth and baby is different
so try to remain realistic, not idealistic, about things.
"One of the main reasons why many mothers succumb to postnatal depression
is because their expectations have been shattered. It's difficult knowing
how you are going to react in an unknown situation but try to think of
similar cases in your life and how well you coped with them. And don't
be afraid to ask for help if need be. "At the end of the day, pregnancy,
birth and parenting all boils down to being honest with yourself about
your strengths and weaknesses and capabilities. But whatever happens,
don't blame yourself if things don't go according to 'plan'! Nobody's
perfect so don't try to be."
Where to next?
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