Changing friendships
While you're pregnant, you lose count of the number of times
friends predict that life will never be the same again. But what
they omit to tell you is that your
friendships may never be the same again either...
For solicitor Caitlin Anderson, aged 32, proud mum of seven-month-old
Lewis, the news she was expecting marked a turning point for the worse
in her relationship with her best friend Rosie.
She says: "As soon as she found out I was pregnant, things
changed between us. All Rosie could do was go on about the pain of
childbirth and point out I may get piles. I tried to ignore her but she
was constantly sniping about things that could go wrong and how
terrifying having a baby would be.
"I tried to tell her I did not want to focus on the birth but
how marvellous loving a baby would be but she did not want to know. I
found it desperately sad and hard to believe this was the girl I had
been through so much with."
And the situation didn't
improve once Lewis was born. Caitlin comments, "Rosie cannot now talk to me without mentioning
how 'awful' it must be having kids, how hard work it must be and how
'lucky' I am to only have one.
"When I mention my son in a positive light, she either says
something offensive or is obviously bored. At first I was devastated by
this, then I was disappointed and now, though it pains me to say it, I
reckon there must be a hint of jealousy there.
"She has made it very clear she sees me as this 'Mother Earth'-type figure while she’s an ambitious career girl. I really don't feel
we have much in common anymore – sad, but there you go."
According to psychologist Julia Berryman, Caitlin’s story mirrors
that of many women. She says there is a 'motherhood club',
which may unite women with those who have children already – and divide
them from women who don’t.
And she agrees there may be jealousy on the part of the women who do not yet have children – while there may also be jealousy from
those who are mothers due to the sacrifices they have made, especially among younger
mums.
Dr Berryman, of Leicester University, advises women to stick by their
friends even if it seems their baby is taking over. She says: "If they value their friendship they should realise
this is a temporary phase and be helpful where they can. And the golden
rule is never criticise the baby."
A baby does not have to spell disaster for a friendship, as
33-year-old Jane Williams, of Wolverhampton, mum to three-year-old Theo,
explains: "Nobody told me the balance of friendship can change
with the arrival of a baby – in my case for the better.
"My friend Sarah became a mother well before me and, looking
back, I don’t think I was a particularly supportive friend after her
son Jack was born. It got to the stage where I felt that there was little point in
visiting – how selfish was that?
"Then Theo came along and the balance was redressed. I could
appreciate what I couldn’t before. Sarah and I again have the same
things in common. We even plan to go on holiday without the kids next
year – but will probably end up talking about them all the time!"
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