15 things every bloke should know about pregnancy...
Pregnancy can be a trying time for all concerned but if you want to avoid
unnecessary aggravation, dad David Smith has got certain rules and guidelines you should stick to...
- DIY daddy
- Learn to love broccoli
- King of snacks
- The alien
- 'Hello, are you listening?'
- Strangers alert
- Shape up
- No football motifs!
- Class act
- Booze control
- She's not fat, she's sexy
- Don't boast
- Sex drought
- Toilets required
- Antenatal scans
1. DIY daddy
The minute you find out you're going to become a dad, get yourself a tool belt, buy some paint and stencils, and get busy. When nesting happens, it happens with a vengeance! At least one room in your house is going to need a total makeover - and you'll be the man to do it.
2. Learn to love broccoli
Sounds horrible, but folic acid is essential for the developing baby. Learn to embrace the benefits of a plate of broccoli, runner beans and watercress. Oh go on, it's only for a few months. Then you can join your partner for a delicious glass of uterus-strengthening raspberry leaf tea. And they say that pregnancy is only hard for women!
3. King of snacks
Along with the developing baby comes an ever-increasing need for your partner to have super-specific snacks in front of her, made a very precise way about, oh, every 20 minutes. Toasted liquorice, trout, peanut butter and custard sandwiches, cut diagonally, on a blue plate, is about the norm. Also, get to know where all the 24-hour shops are in your area to obey your partner's weird and wonderful cravings.
4. The alien
The first time you look at your partner's tummy and see what looks like an alien elbow move across it, you will be shocked. Screaming 'Aaaaaaargh!' and running from the room is perfectly acceptable. Try to be cool the next time, though.
5. '...I was such an ugly baby, the midwife slapped the... Hello, are you listening?'
As things progress, your partner will need more and more sleep. Don't get all pouty and hurt when she drops off halfway through one of your best jokes.
6. Strangers alert
Don't be at all surprised when the bump starts showing and complete strangers dart through busy traffic to have a quick feel of your partner's tummy. It's as though pregnancy gives the whole world carte blanche to have a free rub. Women don't seem to mind. In fact, get two pregnant women together and they often need to be crow-bared apart, such is their attraction to each other's bumps.
7. Shape up
At some point your partner will become quite immobile, so you will be doing the running around for two people. Eat and rest accordingly - you'll need all the energy you can get. But remember, even before your partner is the size of a house she still needs more rest than you, so if she needs a glass of water in the middle of the night it's best you acquiesce.
8. No football motifs!
Time the browsing for and buying of equipment while your partner can still move off the sofa. If you leave it too late, and have to go alone, you know you'll just come back with football motifs on everything. Plus a lone father-to-be panicking in the baby goods aisles says 'Helpless sucker' to most sales assistants... and you'll end up buying the most expensive, useless products!
9. Class act
You must go to antenatal classes. They're really good. You'll learn lots that you didn't even know you didn't know. You'll also approach the birth date a lot more prepared and relaxed - good for everyone involved. Don't blow it by thinking they are captive audiences for your jokes - this will lead to lots of frosty stares from the mums-to-be, and not many friends at 'tea and biccy' time.
10. Booze control
In most cases, your partner having a glass of wine every now and again won't do any harm, and you can enjoy your role as 'booze policeman' by carefully limiting her to one glass, This can be done by selflessly polishing off the rest of the bottle yourself. Cruel to be kind. Though be warned, you risk tears if you come across as too domineering or drunk by the end of the evening.
11. She's not fat, she's sexy
Never ever (not even jokingly) refer to your partner as porky/tubby/fat/huge/portly or anything drawing attention to her size. She's already more than aware of the changes in her appearance. Glowing, blooming and sexy are all fine.
12. Don't boast
Walking alongside your heavily pregnant partner with a 'Check me out. Nothing wrong with my plumbing,' look all over your face will only lead to comments from her, along the lines of, "Well it only takes one ball to score a goal!"
13. Sex drought
Don't get demanding and upset if things tail off a bit during her pregnancy. Sex is still OK, but don't expect to enjoy the old days of swinging from the chandelier and jumping off the wardrobe. She isn't as agile as she was, and both of you may feel a bit strange about making love knowing there's actually three of you in the bed...
14. Toilets required
Before going anywhere by car, plot your route with a firm mental grasp of where all the toilets are likely to be en route and which petrol stations specialise in the requisite snacks for your beloved. If you're going to stay in a hotel don't forget to phone and ask about stairs: "Four steps! No lift! Sorry, we had better forget it then."
15. Antenatal scans
A bit of a nail-biting time, but necessary all the same. Gives you a chance to 'ooh' and 'ahh' at the sight of your child and say the things the doctor has heard a million times before: "Oh look it's got my nose/legs/jug ears" are standard.
Where to next?
- Talk to other fathers and fathers-to-be on our Fatherhood discussion forum
- Is your man coping brilliantly with your pregnancy or totally useless? Tell us about it on our General pregnancy General pregnancy discussion board
- From antenatal care to exercise, we've got everything you need to know about being pregnant
- Need help choosing a name? Use our fun tool
- Find out what's happening when with our personal pregnancy planner
- Worried about the birth? Check our expert information
