Stillbirth

Stillbirth happens very rarely, but a few parents are faced with the awful prospect of having to give birth to a baby that they know is dead. If you're pregnant, the idea of stillbirth may be too painful for you to contemplate. But parents whose babies have been stillborn often say that it would have helped if they'd been better prepared for the possibility, and if they'd known beforehand about the kinds of decisions and choices they were going to have to make.

• What if I notice that my baby isn't moving?
• Why has this happened to me?
• How will my baby be born?
• What should I do after the birth?
• What if my baby dies in labour?
• How might I feel afterwards?

What if I notice that my baby isn't moving?

One of the first signs that your baby may have died is that you don't feel it moving any more. Not moving doesn't necessarily mean that the baby is no longer alive - it may just be keeping still, or it may be running out of room to move - but if you notice a sudden decrease in the baby's movements, contact your midwife or hospital so that they can check the heartbeat.

Another sign that the baby may have died is that you no longer feel pregnant, and you may notice physical changes such as your breasts becoming smaller.

Why has this happened to me?

This is the first thing that any parent whose baby dies wants to know. Why has this happened? What did I do wrong? Often there's no easy answer, except that it's extremely unlikely that anything you have done could have caused the baby's death. It may be that the placenta has stopped working for some reason, or that the baby has some kind of congenital abnormality. Sometimes no obvious cause can be found, which can be very hard to accept.

How will my baby be born?

Once it's been confirmed that the baby has died, a decision needs to be made about its birth. The options are to wait until labour starts naturally, to have labour induced, or for the baby to be born by Caesarean.

It may take some time for labour to start naturally. Some parents prefer to take this time so that they can begin the process of coming to terms with the death, even though the waiting can be very difficult. Others prefer to get things over with straight away, and choose to have an induction. Some feel that they won't be able to cope with labour and that they'd rather have a Caesarean. Physically, though, it's better for the mother's body to go through labour than to have a Caesarean, and many women say that having the experience of labour helps them to feel that they have done something for the baby.

What should I do after the birth?

One of the hardest things about losing a baby is that you're grieving for someone you don't know. Creating memories of the baby as a person is one way of helping the grieving process. Though they may seem painfully hard to do at the time, there are some things that will offer comfort. They include: holding your baby, for as long and as often as you feel you want to; dressing your baby in clothes you have chosen for him; giving the baby a cuddly toy; taking photographs or hand or footprints; keeping a lock of hair. Having a blessing service and/or a funeral contribute to building memories too. Arranging a funeral may seem too much to cope with, but it can be a valuable part of grieving. The service can be delayed if you don't feel up to it in the early days.

Regardless of the arrangements they make for a funeral, many parents like to have a special place as a memorial to their baby, where they can go to be with the baby when they want to.

A particularly painful thing that has to be done is registering the baby's birth and death. But these formal certificates do serve as concrete reminders of the baby.

 What if my baby dies during labour?

Sometimes, extremely rarely, a baby dies in labour. When this happens, it's often because something has gone wrong with the baby's oxygen supply. In this case, you don't know in advance that your baby has died, and the silence when the baby is born comes as a tremendous shock. You may feel so shocked and confused that you're unable to make any immediate decisions about what to do. There's no rush - arrangements can come later when you feel better able to cope.

How might I feel afterwards?

Physically, for the mother, there's no difference between a live birth and a stillbirth, and you'll still have to cope with the changes that take place as your body adjusts to not being pregnant any more. Also, and perhaps hardest to cope with, your breasts will produce milk. Your midwife or a local breastfeeding counsellor will offer you advice and support.

Emotionally, after a stillbirth you'll be in a turmoil. The first few days or weeks will probably be a blur, as you're in a state of numbed shock. As time passes, you may find that your feelings intensify, and that you feel angry and resentful about losing your baby. It may become increasingly difficult for you to see babies and children. Later still, you may continue to feel sad and depressed, though other people may expect you to be 'getting over it'. Getting over it is something that you'll probably never do completely. Although you may eventually come to accept what happened, it's possible for feelings of grief to well up again at any time, especially around significant anniversaries.

One of the things that can help most if you lose a baby is to talk about it - to anyone who'll listen. As well as family and friends (some of whom may find it difficult to know what to say), support can be provided by medical professionals or religious advisers. Some people find it helpful to talk to a counsellor.