"I was diagnosed with breast cancer whilst breastfeeding."

Katherine Locke tells her story....

My partner and I couldn't have been more shocked when I discovered I was pregnant. We had been together two years and already had five children between us - my daughter and his four (three boys and a girl). They were all heading rapidly towards teenagehood and we thought the days of sleepless nights and nappies were long behind us. After a lot of soul searching, we decided that it was meant to be and we went ahead with a relatively trouble free pregnancy.

"New baby, new house, five teenagers and major surgery would be enough to make anyone tired."

With a baby on the way, it was imperative that we move to a larger house, so six weeks before the birth, we moved into the biggest house we could afford and began the long process of renovation. The baby was breech, so I knew I would have an elective caesarean on May 12th 2006. After the birth, although delighted with our healthy boy, I felt absolutely drained.Anybody with a newborn baby will tell you that they are tired. I put my fatigue down to being an older mum and having had a caesarean.

New baby, new house, five teenagers and major surgery would be enough to make anyone tired, but I knew there was something more. I wasn't just tired, I was exhausted. I had had a lump on my left breast since Henry was born. I had asked several midwives and doctors about it. "It's probably just a blocked milk duct", they said "try massaging it down whilst you are feeding." I did try, but is just got bigger. I noticed that Henry much preferred to feed on the right side. After not having thought about it much at all, it began to worry me. It wasn't going away.

Finding out

By Christmas 2006 Henry was reaching seven months and weaning was well under way, but even breast-feeding just twice a day (morning and evening) didn't make a difference to the lump. I resolved to go to the doctor and make a fuss once the festivities were over. Luckily she took my concerns seriously and I quickly got an appointment for further tests at our local hospital.

I had the usual scan, mammogram and biopsy. After the biopsy, they bound my left breast down with bandages and that was the end of breastfeeding. We then had a long two-week wait for the results to come through. I only told very close friends about it at this point, as there didn't seem any point in worrying people unnecessarily. I was so confident that it would all be ok, that I went back to the hospital to get the results on my own. This was a big mistake.

"I knew we had to tell the children quickly."

As the consultant said the words "I'm afraid we have found cancer", I felt my world turn upside down. Cancer! I didn't have time to have a cold, let alone cancer. I sat in the waiting room after the diagnosis and howled. I didn't care who was looking; I just needed to assimilate the news in whatever way I could.

Telling family and friends

As I drove home, my mind was racing. I knew we had to tell the children quickly and I agonised over the best way to do it. In the end I decided to tell my daughter first and the other children later that day. Breaking the news to her was hard. "Are you going to die" she asked, in the straight forward way that young people have. "Not if I can help it", I replied.

Treatment

The treatment that followed was long and gruelling. I had a lumpectomy and all the lymph nodes removed under my left arm, which was terrifyingly painful. Not all women experience that level of pain with the procedure, but for some reason it was by far the worst part for me. I felt very ill after the surgery and still had to wait again to find out if they had managed to remove all the cancer. I was extremely hopeful at this point that the lump was small and they would have got it all out. I was to be disappointed again.

It turned out there were several lumps and the largest was much bigger than anticipated. They hadn't managed to remove it all, so it was back to hospital for a mastectomy. It is difficult to describe in a few words the feeling of losing a breast, particularly so soon after it doing its job so well. Suffice to say, it was as traumatic as I am sure you can imagine. After recovering from the second round of surgery, I had six months of chemotherapy and fifteen radiotherapy sessions.

Managing as a mum

It became clear early on in my treatment that we were going to need a lot of help with the baby and the house. There were some days during the chemotherapy when I was too weak to get up the stairs, let alone carry a baby around. My partner had to keep working, he wasn't able to stay at home to look after Henry, so we decided to get some live in help. This was a big step, both financially and emotionally, but being fortunate enough to have a house with a spare room meant it was a real possibility. It turned out to be the best thing we did.

"Everyday with Henry is a gift and I fully intend to enjoy it."

We engaged a Mother's Help to assist with all domestic tasks, from baby bouncing to cleaning and she was a Godsend! I really don't know how we would have managed without it and it was worth digging deep into our pockets for. As my mother in law said, "If this isn't a rainy day, I don't know what is".

Thinking the unthinkable

Planning your possible death with a new baby feels absolutely counter intuitive. Every fibre of your being is geared up to protect your baby and the possibility of leaving him is unthinkable. I take a lot of photo's and keep my fingers crossed. Who knows how long I have to live? How long have any of us got?

The Future

It is now 2008 and I am now two months away from my last treatment and feeling stronger everyday. I have started a strict exercise regime to try and lose some of the weight I put on during treatment and get fit again. Everyday with Henry is a gift and I fully intend to enjoy it.

Where to next?

• Katherine Locke won this year's babyworld/Sunsail Travel Story competition. Read her winning entry here...
• Do you have a remarkable story to tell? Please email editor@babyworld.co.uk
• Your breastfeeding diet: foods to avoid
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