 The
shock of motherhood
Jillian Werb, mum of two, trained as a counsellor, her course included
some research into the difficulties faced by new mothers, and the many
things mothers feel guilty about. The result was this article, which she
hopes encourages mothers to be 'good enough ' rather then 'perfect'.
Becoming a mother is a huge change in a woman's life - physically, socially
and psychologically. While there are lots of pregnancy manuals, once your
baby is born the focus switches almost exclusively to the baby. Very few
books talk about what mothers might be going through. The pressures on
women to become 'perfect mothers' creates an ever-increasing spiral of
guilt and, often, depression. So, I chose to look at the transitions and
struggles women go through before, during and after they become a parent
to understand better why motherhood can make us feel guilty.
Heard the joke about motherhood?
Pregnancy is hard on our bodies. Lungs and heart grow to cope with extra
blood flow and ventilation, hormones flood through the body and the foetus
steals nutrients from its mother - especially iron and calcium stores. Herpes
or food allergies can be exacerbated or set off, and ME or MS triggered.
Hormone levels play havoc with emotions. It is typical to be permanently
exhausted in the first three months of pregnancy (heard the joke about the
pregnant woman who sat down to tie her shoelaces and woke two hours later?).
In the last three months sleep becomes almost impossible due to discomfort
and daytime activities become more tiring.
That's just the physical aspect. Women can also be affected emotionally
during pregnancy, as they lose control over their shape and take on sole
responsibility for ensuring the health of a baby over which they only
have limited control. They can eat well, exercise to some extent and give
up smoking, but, in the end, the welfare of the baby is also affected
by hereditary and environmental factors. And these are the side-effects
of healthy, 'normal' pregnancies, with no mention made of the traumas
suffered by women who cannot conceive, miscarry, suffer stillbirths or
many other pregnancy-related disorders such as gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia
or placenta praevia, which can result in hospitalisation for weeks or
months.
Before a baby is born, or even conceived, women are under a barrage of
stress to be perfect - in diet, in activity and in behaviour.
The medicalisation of childbirth
'Our data suggests that some degree of difficulty [in labour] is
at least statistically "normal".' (Pregnancy, Birth and Parenthood)
Labour is impossible to predict, different for every woman, and can be
terrifying. The medicalisation of childbirth can be alienating and frightening,
including the simple fact that it usually takes place in hospital.
We now have methods of pain relief that should work but don't always.
Each method of pain relief has its side effects, which can place pressure
on women to attempt a 'natural' birth, then feel like a failure when they
do need help with managing pain, or require some kind of intervention
such as ventouse, forceps or Caesarean section. 'When the course of labour
takes an unexpected turn, when women find it more painful than they anticipated,
and when they feel out of control or encounter complications, they feel
as if they have failed the first hurdle of "good" motherhood,'
says Kate Figes, author of Life After Birth. Women who have had a C section
may feel that they have let down their child in some way. The recovery
period from such major abdominal surgery takes time, especially if it
was an emergency, performed after a long and tiring labour.
Shock after the birth
Some women are left feeling shocked after childbirth. One woman interviewed
by Kate Figes, who had an uncomplicated 12-hour labour, compared giving
birth to: '… having a near-fatal car crash where you just manage
to crawl out of the wreckage.'
Childbirth can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and it can
also evoke earlier experiences of sexual abuse or rape. Feelings of powerlessness,
of being out of control, of not being listened to, are common. Women who
have not suffered PTSD but can't forget the experience can also find it
helpful to talk to a counsellor. Other ways of tackling a traumatic birth
experience include writing a story of what happened, or talking to those
who helped you deliver, either in the days after the birth or later. Many
hospitals run helpful Birth Afterthoughts sessions to help mothers come
to terms with the medical side of their birthing experience. These can
be taken at any stage after the birth - weeks, months or possibly years
later.
The medical profession's current opinion of childbirth is that a new
mother is not ill, but: 'a healthy, intelligent individual who has just
achieved a memorable event,' Fundamentals of Obstetrics and Gynaecology.
After being given a clean bill of health after their six-week postnatal
check, 47% of new mothers still complained of at least one health problem
like backache, frequent headaches, migraine or bladder problems, and at
least two-thirds of those had problems 13 months to 9 years after giving
birth. Often mothers are too tired to go to the doctor, especially as
they are already taking their baby to medical appointments and health
checks.
After birth, the body never regains its former shape, especially the
breasts, stomach, nipples and vagina/perineum, not to mention stretch
marks. Some mothers can view these changes as the badge of motherhood,
as Kate Winslet famously remarked, while others, such as Liz Hurley work
harder than ever before to get back to normal.
Adapting to motherhood
Bonding after birth
During pregnancy it's surprisingly easy to forget that at the end you'll
have a baby to look after, 24/7. Almost every mother remembers arriving
home with her tiny, precious bundle, realising that she is responsible
for its well-being, and feeling terrified.
'No amount of warning can adequately prepare us for the sheer torture
of night after night without deep prolonged sleep,' warns Figes. Newborns
need feeding every few hours, depriving their parents of sleep, particularly
deep REM sleep. This can lead to slower physical recovery from childbirth,
postnatal depression, itching or burning eyes, blurred vision, hunger,
lethargy, irritability, lack of sense of humour, inability to undertake
simple tasks or absorb new information, increased anxiety, poor short-term
memory, angry outbursts, paranoia or even visual hallucinations. Books
say 'sleep when your baby does,' but if you have older children, or your
baby doesn't sleep much during the day, or you have other things to be
doing during that time, this isn't always possible.
Two-thirds of all babies aged 6-12 months, and 20-30% of all children
aged 1-3, have trouble sleeping through the night. Modern childcare manuals
tend to suggest that it is cruel to leave a child to cry itself to sleep,
while a few argue that it is better in the long run for both parent and
child if the child learns to resettle itself back to sleep without its
parents' help. This can be one of the most difficult and guilt-inducing
choices a parent has to make.
Postnatal depression
It's assumed that women immediately fall in love with their children
at first sight, but more common feelings, according to Kate Figes, are:
'… shock, grief, relief, disgust, amazement, joy and exhilaration'.
Women often feel guilty if they don't instantly love their child. Yet
it can be hard to love a baby who keeps you awake all night, cries all
day, and makes your breasts hurt when they feed. It helps to know that
love will grow, and that it's all right to not adore your child from the
start.
Postnatal depression (PND) can affect any woman after the birth of any
of her children. 'We need to get rid of this notion that postnatal depression
is an illness that afflicts a small number of unfortunate women rather
than every woman to a greater or lesser extent,' says Kate Figes. PND
can range from puerperal psychosis (affecting 1 in 500 women) to mild
'baby blues' (thought to affect around 80% of mothers and often only lasting
a few days). Although puerperal psychosis needs psychiatric treatment,
milder depression is often mistaken for other aspects of new motherhood
such as exhaustion or poor health. Counselling, hormonal treatment, tranquillisers
or anti-depressants can help alleviate the symptoms, as can simpler measures
such as getting out of the house every day and having people to talk to.
Becoming the 'good enough' mother
Rousseau's 1762 book Emile introduced the idea that motherhood was a source
of joy and fulfilment for all women, and that they should sacrifice their
desires for those of their children - possibly the first successful introduction
of guilt into mothering. Earlier this century 'Mothercraft' welfare centres
and babycare manuals were introduced in an attempt to improve the welfare
of the nation's children by improving mothering skills.
Contradictory advice
Babycare manuals place increasing demands on mothers, while contradicting
each other. In The Continuum Concept, Jean Liedloff encourages mothers
to carry their children everywhere, no matter how exhausting that might
be. Deborah Jackson's Three in a Bed encourages parents to sleep with
their children for as long as the children choose, no matter how badly
that affects the parent's sleep patterns. Most modern babycare manuals
tell mothers to feed their babies on demand and to pick them up as soon
as they cry, while a few (e.g. Gina Ford's Contented Little Baby Book)
suggest that the key to a happy child is feeding and sleeping to a strict
routine. Parents, particularly mothers, have to work out which books to
ignore, which to use, and how to use them, deciding their own balance
between parents' and child's needs.
Children can bring out unknown depths of anger in parents, but expressing
anger is not considered 'good mothering'. Yet not shouting might mean
expressing anger in more subtle but damaging ways - scrubbing their child
too hard in the bath, damning praise, sarcasm and 'forgetting' promises.
Getting angry then apologising at least enables children to learn to see
their parents as independent beings who get upset and angry just as they
do, and to develop independence. Both mother and child learn that they
can express hostility without losing love.
A balancing act
Balancing work and childcare issues is also an area laden with guilt
for many women. Most women need to go back to work to provide much-needed
income for the family. Many choose to go back either full or part time
because they desire some mental stimulation and company that doesn't revolve
around children. Yet many feel guilty about abandoning their child in
nurseries, with childminders, or with family members while they pursue
a career.
Research regularly shows that the children of working mothers do just
as well as children of stay-at-home mums, as Kate Figes asserts: 'There
is tremendous arrogance in the assumption that only the mother of a child
can best look after that child. Child psychologists know that children
thrive in the presence of other children and learn through play.' Research
also shows that it's not working that damages children; it's the guilt
that mothers feel about working. So instead of always reacting with guilt
when faced with a dilemma in which you believe you are putting yourself
first, why not heed Figes's advice: '"Good-enough" mothering
is about finding a compromise between the needs of both mother and child
as an integral unit rather than subservient pandering to the needs of
little emperors. We can only raise confident, independent, socially responsible
children if we have those attributes ourselves.'
Relations with the father
Having a child changes a woman's relationship with the child's father,
for better… or for worse. A survey in America showed that relationships
change in four basic ways after the birth of a baby:
1. 12-13% of couples found relations deteriorated to such an extent that
they were in danger of separation.
2. 38% were unquestionably more distanced than pre-pregnancy.
3. 30% stabilised the situation so there was no deterioration but no new
closeness.
4. 19% overcame their difficulties and found the relationship improved.
We now rely more on our partners than we ever have done before and we
expect much more from our relationships, as Figes confirms: 'We search
for complete personal, sexual, emotional and even intellectual fulfilment
from our relationships and expect to be able to maintain that equilibrium
through the impact of children'. It is important, but often difficult,
for mothers to allow partners to father in their own way and to learn
from their mistakes.
Letting go
One of the hard parts of being a parent is letting go. Mothers give
love to their children, which in turn gives them the confidence to explore
their world. However, as they grow we have to learn to release them from
our embrace. Says one mother about the arrival of her second and last
child: 'Everything becomes terribly, terribly poignant. You know what
you ought to be doing, and when you lose your temper, or don't have time
to build a train set, or you're not very amusing at midnight, you think
you've blown it and wish that you had a bit more patience or a bit more
time, or a bit more ease because you know you won't get that chance to
get it right again.'
During the first few months mothers have to react with split-second urgency,
especially with their first baby. As babies reach 6 months, they become
more rewarding, and you can '… relax in the knowledge that, in spite
of earlier doubts, you are doing well as a mother, and you and your baby
are in synchrony,' says Sheila Kitzinger in her book The Year After Childbirth.z
Play to your strengths
In taking on the new role of mother it is tempting to be 'perfect' at
everything. But motherhood involves never-ending tasks and a limited amount
of time in which to do them, and it can feel like you never achieve anything.
It helps to play to your strengths, to only attempt to achieve a few tasks
at a time, and to accept the inevitable chaos and lack of control of your
life that children bring. I found it useful to think of motherhood as
a series of phases, each of which will come to an end. When you have a
colicky baby who screams every evening, it is easier to bear if you can
reassure yourself that it is only for a few months.
Pluses of motherhood include the joy we get from our children, increased
confidence in ourselves and ability to cope with lack of control, a sense
of identity, meaning, and of being integral to someone else's life, increased
spontaneity, and a joy in the simpler things. Says one mother: 'I thought
I knew myself before, but now I realise that I don't. It's such a life
stage, a massive milestone.'
About the author
Jillian Werb is a mum to two little girls, Hannah, age 2, and Ellie age
7 months. As well as looking after their every need 24 hours a day, Jillian
is nearing the end of a three-year training course in counselling, part
of which included some research into the difficulties faced by new mothers,
and the many things mothers feel guilty about. The result was this article,
which she hopes encourages mothers to be 'good enough' rather then 'perfect'.
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