The cost of your relationshipAccording to Relate, the UK's largest relationships and sex counselling charity, the most common topic for arguments between couples is money. The majority of arguments is about how money is spent. Compounding this is the problem that money is, for many people, as taboo a subject as sex and talking about it is difficult.
Tipping the balanceHaving a baby changes the financial balance in a family. The traditional set-up had the man as the bread-winner while the woman stayed at home to look after the children. He'd pay the bills and give out an 'allowance' to his wife for things like food shopping and household expenditures. These days, even though more and more women return to work (because of financial pressures) old stereotypes still prevail. According to Elizabeth Martyn, author of Relate's book Babyshock! "… one survey showed that over half of fathers, and more than 40 per cent of mothers, still think that it is the man's role to provide for the family". With two incomes, and often two different financial agendas going on under one roof, there are bound to be conflicts about how much money is being spent … and on what. Elizabeth Martyn blames some of this on previous financial experiences. "Many people arrive at parenthood with a handsome collection of financial baggage, left over from having lived independently, or having had other long-standing relationships. They may also be supporting children from previous relationships. No wonder it can be so hard to sort out a way of handling money that leaves everyone satisfied." The sheer cost of bringing up a child these days is an automatic cause for concern alone, with current estimates in excess of £52,000 in the first five years of your child's life. Coupled with a drop in one full-time salary, if even on a temporary basis, it's hardly surprising that money can be a sore topic. Some of the most common bugbears affecting couples include the following. Her loss of independence, financial and otherwiseA woman who is used to earning and managing her own money can find the transition to relying on state and employer benefits and depending on her husband for money difficult. Loss of financial independence goes hand in hand with feelings of loss of personal independence, which can bring emotional and psychological problems. The woman often balks at asking money from her husband, preferring to use her savings than admit that she needs financial help. On the logical side it makes sense that she needs help - she's at home looking after the child and house, in itself more than a full-time but unpaid job! However, relying on someone else's dole-outs can feel demeaning and belittling. Often even an infrequent trip to the high street to buy a new pair of jeans or a pretty skirt will end up in a major guilt trip if the money is not her own, hard-earned cash. What makes matters worse is if your partner is constantly berating you for spending on anything but the essentials. This might happen very rarely in relationships but if you are constantly being bullied and threatened about money you should be aware that this is not normal; indeed the Home Office has classified extreme financial control as a form of abuse, so it is important to be aware of the role money is playing in your relationship. He feels as if he's just a cash machineOn the other hand, men can feel resentful for any new demands placed on their wallets and, being used to their partners' earnings, might find shouldering the burden on his own worrying. This can obviously cause strain on a relationship. How much can the weekly shop cost? Aren't there better ways to economise on expenditures? Do they really need the most swish and trendy cot on the market if it's only going to be used for a few short years? Secondary statusSometimes, when a woman has temporarily relinquished her financial independence, she might also find that she does not have a say in any financial decisions, especially if her partner decides that his role as sole breadwinner entitles him to spend any available cash on whatever he wants. His partner can, therefore, feel resentful when he comes home with an I-POD while she has been counting the pennies and making cuts in the household budget. Even if small amounts of money are involved, the lack of say in expenditure can have a damaging effect on a relationship as it can extend further to other important decisions being made without proper consultation. Less social butterfly, more social recluseBefore children came along you probably went out a fair amount to the cinema, clubbing, weekend breaks or even down to the local for a drink. Now with a little one to contend with going out loses its spontaneity and turns instead into a military operation, involving babysitters, lists of emergency contacts and budgeting around what you'd like to do and having enough cash to pay the babysitter. If a woman is at home looking after the children, chances are she won't be going out to socialise much, unless it's to mother and baby groups, so her tenuous link to the outside world naturally comes through her partner. If neither partner gets out regularly tension can rise. Worse still is if he's out socialising at the pub after work while you're trying to deal with a tired, whiny child at the end of an already 10-hour day coping on your own, it's no surprise that sparks will fly! Other issues couples argue about
Reaching possible solutionsResolving financial issues is not an easy task. The most important thing you can be doing, according to Elizabeth Martyn, is talking about your concerns and frustrations. The following are some of her suggestions on how to tackle your issues to ensure a constructive outcome:
How to have constructive conversationsThis advice is all well and good but until you know how to handle potentially tricky conversations it might not be of much use. Elizabeth Martyn recommends looking at your own attitude towards money before broaching it with your partner. "Do conversations about money make you angry? If so, ask yourself what your underlying feelings are. Anger can be a defence… Start to understand why you respond in the way you do, and you can look for better ways to handle the feelings that money discussions arouse." When you then try to have a conversation with your partner, be aware of your reactions to him or her. "Money conversations often follow a well-worn track, and couples can find themselves going round and round in the same old row, resolving nothing," says Martyn. Instead, try to work out what you really want to say to your partner and find a way that is constructive, not confrontational. Even if your partner's defences are up, it only takes one person to break a well-established pattern in arguments, so take that step. If you need any other reason to stop destructive arguments about money, think about your children. Your attitudes as a family about money will influence their opinions … so make sure what you are both saying is what you genuinely believe in. Where to next?
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