 Step
families
Bringing up your own kids is difficult enough. Playing a parenting
role with someone else's can be even more tricky. Relationships expert
Suzie Hayman helps answer parents' most common step-parenting concerns.
"He treats my children differently"
Q: "Why does my new partner treat my children differently to his own?
With mine, he is much stricter whereas when his kids come over for the
weekend, he lets them get away with murder in comparison. How can I tackle
this without seeming like a jealous girlfriend? To be honest, it makes
me feel second-best too - that in treating his children differently none
of us matter as much as his first family."
A: "You love your own children and may well have done so from the very
first time you saw them. However, that reaction isn't common with stepchildren
so it's not surprising that this is one area many stepfamilies struggle
with. Many non-residential parents feel guilty that they are living full
time with their stepchildren, rather than their biological children, and
so try to overcompensate with their own kids. Others feel guilty for not
having warm feelings for their stepkids and conclude it's either because
they are somehow lacking, or that the kids deserve it because they are
bad. Either way, it often leads to unfair behaviour.
"I think the remedy is for your partner to recognise there is nothing
wrong or unnatural in not having the same feelings but that, while he
cannot help what he feels, he can help what he does about it. The same
treatment is mandatory. But it's worth noting that if he gives it time
and effort, he may well come to feel strongly for them, and them for him."
"He didn't tell me that his son is coming to live
with us"
Q: "I have just found out that my new partner has agreed with his ex
that their 15-year-old son can come and live with us when he's 16. I am
livid that I wasn't even consulted about this! It feels as if he and his
ex have conspired behind my back."
but the stepmum isn't happy with this.
A: "Ask to be put in the picture! Although it may be reasonable to suggest
a stepparent has no say over important decisions in a stepchild's life
such as choice of school, it is reasonable to say that if it affects you
and your life it needs to be discussed. If you take on a partner who has
children you have to accept you take on the package deal of them and their
children. But equally, a parent bringing children into a relationship
while asking that their new partner should accept the kids as well, also
needs to offer input.
"He's going on holiday with his ex"
Q: "My partner always spends one night a week at his ex's house to be
with his daughter. I'm not thrilled about this but have learned to accept
it. However, he has just announced that he is going on their annual holiday
together as his daughter won't go away without her mum. I feel very hurt
and rejected by this. One night is one thing but a week or two of them
together 24/7 is another. I understand that seeing his ex is necessary
for his daughter's sake but I don't see why they have to go on holiday
together - that's one step too far for me."
A: "But he isn't going on holiday with his ex - he's going on holiday
as a family for his child. And I'm afraid that is the deal you need to
accept if you link up with someone with children from a previous relationship
- their needs and wishes have to be taken into account. You need to discuss
this with your partner, to explain your feelings of pain and rejection.
But you also need to see it from the child's point of view - a family
holiday is important to her."
"I want the household rules to be consistent"
Q: How can I set up a new lot of rules for my household? When my new
husband's kids come to stay, I would like them to live by the rules we
normally have in the house but he makes exceptions. If I try to enforce
them, I end up being the 'bad cop'."
A: "I always ask families to settle down and agree between them a set
of House or Family Rules. And that really does mean listening to the kids
- you'd be surprised how responsible and sensible kids can be, given the
option. The idea is that, in this house, this is what you all agree and
it doesn't matter if the rules are different elsewhere. And nobody is
bad cop because all of you have to keep to, and can enforce, the rules."
"Can you give me some top tips for meeting the
stepkids for the first time?"
Q: "I am meeting my boyfriend's kids soon for the first time and want
it all to go smoothly. It really matters to me that we get on and can
be friends. What's the best way to ensure this happens?"
A: "Choose a neutral location and take a bit of a back seat. Be nice,
quiet, interested in them and don't be pushy. Above all, don't try to
assume a relationship with them - let it grow naturally."
"His kids don't even know I exist"
Q: "My partner and I have been together for six months and he keeps
refusing to let me meet his kids from his previous marriage. Not only
that, but he hasn't even told them I exist! Is this normal and what should
I do about it?"
A: "Get out now while the going is good! Secrets and lies have a nasty
habit of blowing up in people's faces and this is no way to run a relationship
or a family. He may need help and support to introduce each into each
other's lives but it's not helping the children, the ex, himself nor you
to retain this smoke screen."
"His ex undermines us"
Q: "How do you deal with inconsistent rules between families? My husband
and I refused to buy a pair of boots for his daughter because she had
been naughty when she stayed at our house. We told her if she was good
she could have them for her birthday instead and asked her mother to respect
our wishes on this matter. Then, the next week, the girl turned up triumphantly
at our house wearing the boots her mum had bought her! We feel like her
actions undermined our authority and aren't happy about this."
A: "To a certain extent, children do manage with separate rules in different
houses, just as they manage with the idea that behaviour in, say, their
school or at grandma's is different from at home. But this is about undermining
and bribing, not rules. Father, mother and stepmother need to have a talk
about what they are doing to support each other and co-parent their children.
And while they're about it, it may be worth thinking about what is meant
by 'being naughty'. Kids in separated families often act out their distress
at the situation with bad behaviour. Finding out how she was feeling might
have been more appropriate than punishment and this could have been why
the mother came in with a different response."
"What should my toddler call his new dad?"
Q: "I have recently remarried and don't know what my two-year-old son
should call my new husband. If he was seven or eight or older, it seems
acceptable that they be on first-name terms but it seems inappropriate
when he is so young. Should he call his stepdad 'dad'? How can I ask him
what he'd like to call him? And should we involve his real dad to check
he's not offended by his son calling someone else 'dad'?"
A: "Children have only one dad and one mum and even if the missing parent
was a thoroughly bad lot, they often still need to keep that link: if
not face-to-face then at least in the knowledge that this was and still
is their parent. Insisting on calling a new partner Dad or Mum can confuse
children. One child I knew referred to his birth father by his full name
- 'Johnsmith' - and his stepdad 'Dad' but when he tried to explain who
was who in his family, he said he thought his Dad was his Uncle, and Johnsmith
was his father or was it his grandfather, or was he…? He didn't know and
was both puzzled and distressed by the uncertainty. They may choose to
call a stepparent Dad or Mum, but they may not want to and that should
be respected and not taken personally. And, yes, the birth parent should
be asked. I don't think being called by a first name or a nickname is
an insult or a sign of failure. The name isn't a badge telling you you're
doing the job right; they can call you Dad and still hate you or Fred
and adore you!"
Suzie Hayman
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