Are they all yours?

According to the National Statistics Online (NSO) the average number of children per family is 1.8 which means that a family with any more than 2 children could be considered large. For any couple, deciding to have a child is a huge decision but how do you decide when a family is big enough? The reasons for having more kids or stopping at a particular number are as varied and different as the children they represent. Families are unique, and one size doesn't fit all but regardless of how many children you choose to have, other people will always have an opinion!

• Just the one
• Time for another
• Just one more…?
• What's yours is mine

So many of our decisions about family-size relate, of course, to our own experiences. And the choice to stick at one is often because you may have resented the lack of attention devoted to you in a large family, or you may have loved the special feeling of being a cherished only child. Other parents decide to stop at one because of finances. Either they can't afford to raise more children or they'd prefer to give a single child "extras" like private school or expensive holidays that might not be an option with multiple siblings.

The decision to raise an only child is often very personal and well thought out but it seems that parents of single children are often subject to other's opinions.

Babyworld mother of one, Amanda, says "The biggest problem is the amount of criticism we get from everyone else such as we are being selfish, we should put our son's needs before our own, he'll grow into a spoilt brat or he'll never mix well."

Ali has heard the same comments but defends her decision to have just one. "My baby girl is just perfect for me, all I ever wanted, brings me so much joy, and I don't feel the need for more."

Rose agrees, saying it's ultimately a couple's decision. "I think the choice of whether to have another is really up to you and your husband. You will be the ones bringing another child into your family, not the other people who think you should."

However, one child families are becoming more commonplace, with 17 per cent of British families having just the one child. In Germany and Portugal 50 per cent of families have one child and since the introduction of the one child policy in China in 1979, an entire generation of only children has grown up.

However, many parents will eventually begin to ask themselves if it is time for another baby.

Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley is president of Better Beginnings Inc, a family resource and education company and author of gentle Toddler Care.

"The key to making this decision is to ask the right questions, and to take the time to search your soul and figure out the answers," she says.

She suggests some of the questions to ask are;

• Why do I want another child? There may be many reasons for wanting another baby but doing it because all your friends are, or to save a relationship are not the right reasons.
• How will life change, and are we ready for that change? Financially another baby can be expensive. They take up more room in a car, a house, on holidays. Another baby is a big change in the family dynamics, regardless of how many you may already have.
• How will a new baby affect the lives of your other children? Will they resent another sibling? Will they have to share a room suddenly to make room for the new arrival? Are they older and studying, which could be disrupted by a baby?
• Are you and your partner on the same level? Does your partner want another baby or is it your biological clock that's ticking? Will it affect your relationship? Do you both want the same thing and if not can you come to a compromise? However, Elizabeth Pantley stresses, "There are no 'right' answers here because we are all very different human beings."

In our article "I want another baby but…" we explore the common fears and concerns about having a second child.

Just one more…?

Of course, for some people the question isn't 'Should we have another one?' but 'Should we stop having other ones?'

And in the same way that parents are criticised for having just one child, so are parents who go beyond the 'norm' of having two children.

I am currently (happily) expecting my sixth baby but just last week an acquaintance whom I hadn't seen for a while asked me if I was doing it for the child benefit! And this is one of numerous comments that parents of large families receive, most of which are not complimentary.

Comments range from 'Don't you know how it happens yet?' to 'How will you cope?' to real old chestnuts like 'Get a telly that works!'

Babyworld moderator Ruth says, "It's the 'was it planned?' comments that have surprised me. Just about everyone I have told has asked that, although very few said anything the first or second time."

Mother of five, Julie, says her personal favourite is 'Are they all yours?' "I often want to reply that no, I've borrowed a few," she laughs. "People think they have a right to comment just because you are outside the norm. I just think it's rude."

There are of course other, more practical, things that need to be considered with a large family.

• Houses. Traditionally, houses in the UK have three, maybe four bedrooms. With more than two children this means siblings sharing, something that's considered very unfortunate in today's society.
• Cars. Cars are made for a maximum of five people, which is fine if you have no more than three children. More than that and families need to look at people carriers, but even most of these, whilst holding 6, 7 or 8 people, don't tend to come equipped to carry all those people's belongings, and especially not prams.
• Washing machines and tumble dryers. The more children you have, inevitably the more washing you have but it's almost impossible to find a machine that not only takes larger loads but can also cope with being on constantly.
• Days out. Family tickets to theme parks are traditionally 2 adults, 2 children. If you fall outside of this then you can expect to pay a lot of money for a simple day out.
• Holidays. Planning a holiday can become a major tactical manoeuvre fit to put the military to shame. Most hotels cater for the 'average' family of 2 adults and 2 children so you may even end up booking two hotel rooms and not actually spending a night of your holiday in the same room as your partner (the tourism industry answer to contraception!)

Family size can also alter dramatically when couples remarry, introducing step-children into the equation. If two people have two children each from a previous marriage, then the new family is already considered large.

If only one spouse brings children into the marriage, then often the other may want a child that is biologically their own. And, of course, couples often want a child together, which could add to an already big family. Mother and stepmother Debbie-Ann says parenting step-families can be hard but rewarding.

"What is important is we treat each child equally in the family and make sure that they know that any correction they receive is due to their behaviour and not your personal feelings," she says.

"In short it's not always about what we feel but what we do to be a good mother in spite of our feelings."

Regardless of your family size, if both you and your partner have the time, resources and willingness to raise another child with the unconditional love required, then you have the ingredients for a happy family.

Where to next?

• "I want another child but..." are you ready for baby number two?
• Find out more about money matters
• Going through a relationship rough patch? Talk to others on our board