 Happy
relationships for parents
The 3 rules of communication for new parents
Maternity therapy expert, gentle birth practitioner of
13 years, Rachel Foux, helps parents through one main obstacle most relationships
encounter at some point - communication. Here she explains the
three simple rules of communication: when, where and how to speak to
each other.
If I could give one piece of advice to every pregnant couple, it would
be to learn how to talk to each other without blame or shame. There couldn't
be a better outcome for our children than to have parents who know the
three simple rules of communication: when, where and how to speak to each
other.
"One of the greatest gifts we have in partnerships
is to have a friend who we can rely on to listen and support us"
As simple as it sounds the reality of communicating to our partner about
our dreams, hopes and desires can be extremely challenging once we become
parents together. What we took for granted in the early days of love,
can become our greatest challenge with a babe in arms. Finding the time,
energy or patience to say how we are can be overwhelming after long days
and nights of changing nappies and feeding yet this is one of the most
important parts of the day, it is the food that sustains intimacy.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE
One of the greatest gifts we have in partnerships is to have a friend
who we can rely on to listen and support us. I encourage you to try not
to abuse this resource as it's invaluable. Even when the times get tough
and we're full of resentment and anger from the frustrations of juggling
motherhood, it's important to stop ourselves bursting out over our nearest
and dearest. This can create bigger upsets, especially if we turn our
bad mood into nagging or criticizing. Men recognize from the tone of our
voice how we're feeling and want to run away to the pub or golf course
rather than soothe our jagged nerves with a big hug. On these days, I
urge you to take a deep breath and try to find simple words to ask for
what you want.
I want to tell you a rarely spoken secret about dads and that is their
eagerness to care for their partners. Unfortunately we confuse them with
our emotions and they can't hear what it is that we want from them. Men
are simple creatures (no disrespect intended) and we need to tell them
what we want…a foot massage, a cup of tea or a bath without interruptions.
Ninety nine out of a hundred times they will be overjoyed to help as they
understand the value of piece and quiet. Also less is better, tell them
just one thing not twenty.
"I'm sure that no successful business would blossom
if the head office was the kitchen sink."
WHERE TO COMMUNICATE
Make time for yourselves by going on a weekly date together. Book a babysitter
or ask a relative to do this for you so it becomes a reality not just
something you say that you'll do sometime soon. This can be as simple
as walking in the park hand in hand or drinking coffee in the café, anything
that gives you both the opportunity to chat away from domesticity. Take
this time to listen to each other and focus on your relationship, your
love and your future dreams together. This is romantic. Remember that
all your plans shouldn't just revolve around your children, it's your
life too and feeling heard by your partner in this way will open your
heart more to your partner with each date.
WHEN TO COMMUNICATE
Becoming parents is a time of transition from lovers to parents and the
constant challenge for couples is how to keep the flame of passion burning,
albeit dimly through these early maternal years. I believe that effective
communication will always spark the fire that leads us to intimacy. Of
course we don't just communicate with words, it's our bodies that often
speak the unspoken or rather shout out suppressed emotions. How often
do we avoid physical contact with our partner because he's annoyed us
for not changing nappies or flinch when he tries to kiss because we don't
want sex. These actions speak powerfully and can sometimes get out of
context if we feel extra tired or stressed. Men feel these physical rebukes
very deeply and in the worst case, can eventually feel that we don't fancy
them anymore.
The simple way to challenge this vicious circle is by communicating little
and often rather than letting things build up over months or years. Always
choose the right moment for this and remember these simple rules: never
speak about issues with your sex life in the bedroom, financial stress
in the supermarket or household chores whilst you're washing up. These
are the three biggest relationship breakers and therefore deserve your
full attention also never underestimate how stressful it is to talk or
listen with children around or whilst cooking dinner.
It is not unromantic but realistic to see your relationship with your
co-parent and partner as a business agreement. You need strategies, deals
and contracts to survive, just as you would with your business partner.
I'm sure that no successful business would blossom if the head office
was the kitchen sink.
 About
the author
Rachel Foux has over 13 years experience in women's health and holistic
healing. She was trained by Relate as a psychosexual therapist and is
an individual and relationship counsellor and a gently birth practitioner.
Rachel runs private couples retreats and sessions and coach communication
skills. She also hosts coffee mornings for mums which is an excellent
forum to learn about effective communication with dads! www.Householdcompanion.com
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