 Feel
the love…
Having a baby changes every important relationship you have
in some way.
With the help of Dr Sandra Wheatley, we look at how your
new arrival could strengthen your bonds even further.
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A tremendous transformation
"Having a baby is a natural period of transformation in a woman's life,
particularly if it is her first," says psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley.
"Becoming a mother will change the key relationships in your life, so
try to think how you would like things to be different, with your partner,
your mother, your siblings and your best friend." Good advice.
Most mums swear that their closest relationships become different when
their baby arrives on the scene but change isn't always good. However,
with some careful thought and consideration, you can use this life-changing
event to improve relations with your nearest and dearest.
Maturing your relationship with your mum
Some people, once they join the parenthood club, find that they are suddenly
treated with more respect by their own parents. This could be the first
time that they have realised that you are an adult too, crazy though it
seems! However, the arrival of a baby can also signal an onslaught of
potentially unsolicited advice.
While you might find this annoying, try to remember that they have your,
and your baby's, best interests at heart. Sandra offers the following
tips.
- "Becoming a mother for the first time helps you appreciate the depth
of love your mum has for you and enables you to realise why she acted
in certain ways. You'll probably find this helps you relate better to
her than in the past."
- "Use these realisations to think about what sort of mum you'd like
to be. Are you going to do things similarly or differently? Or maybe
a mixture of the two? Even if you don't want to parent the way your
mum did, recognise that everyone has different methods and that the
decisions she took, even if sometimes misguided, had your best interests
at heart."
- "You can even raise these points with her, if you feel able to. For
example, you can discuss how you envisage raising your child, and admit
there might be differences to the way your mum did it but stay clear
of being too judgemental in your approach."
Bolstering your best friend
Friendships can come a cropper once babies are born, especially if your
best mates are childless. They might find it bizarre or annoying that
you are now preoccupied by nappies, feeds, and relating every sound or
movement your child makes, when you always used to be up for fun, drinks
and gossip.
However, all is not lost, stresses Sandra, if your friends are true to
you and you are respectful of their needs too.
- "While you're pregnant, explain that, for a while, you won't be able
to go out as much as you used to (pregnancy will probably have affected
this anyway!). However, stress that you still want to see them and that
their friendship is important to you, otherwise they may misinterpret
your behaviour as you not bothering to see them."
- "Suggest alternative forms of getting together; drinks after work
probably aren't possible on your newborn's timetable but what about
meeting for a coffee and a chat at weekends or lunchtimes?"
- "When you do meet, try not to be a baby bore! Of course, you'll want
to talk about your child but make sure you cover other topics of conversation
too."
Perfect partners
The secret to a good, strong relationship with your partner is to keep
the lines of communication open at all times, not just during pregnancy
and immediately after the birth. Sandra urges us to remember that men,
like women, can change after the arrival of a baby.
This can confuse them as much as it confuses us, with some being quite
shocked by the strength of their emotions.
- "Don't automatically assume that your partner knows what you are
thinking. Women tend to be better at this than men but you never know
for sure unless you ask him."
- "Create an atmosphere where he feels safe to confide in you; a casual
talk over coffee or when you're relaxing in the evening. You don't have
to make it a formal occasion; in fact, you might have more success the
less formal and planned it appears."
- "Keep coming back to an issue, but respect his need for space. If
he just cannot open up to you, don't take it personally. Some men feel
more comfortable chatting over a beer with their friends; as long as
he's talking to someone, that's all that matters."
Bonding with your baby
For nine months, or longer, you have been eagerly anticipating the moment
when you see your baby for the first time. For some mums, it will be love
at first sight, whereas for others, it will take a while before they feel
that so-called maternal instinct.
Either way, immediately or later, you can and will forge a deep and loving
relationship with your child, according to Sandra.
- "Very few people believe in love at first sight, so why would it happen
with your baby? Don't beat yourself up if you're not feeling totally
loved up the second labour is over!"
- "Remember, too, that even if you are immediately in love with your
child, there probably will be times when you positively aren't, e.g.
during toddler tantrums, teenage strops, etc. Parents naturally feel
a whole gamut of emotions, negative as well as positive, and they are
completely normal."
- "Take the early days easy, getting to know your baby in your own
time and allowing him or her to do the same. This relationship will
be with you for a lifetime so there's no rush to get it sorted immediately!"
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