Should we stay together for the children?

When your marriage is on the rocks, should you stay together for the sake of the children or call it a day? Sam Pope looks at how to find out what's best for all involved.

• Can babies save doomed relationships?
• Are you really staying together for the sake of the kids?
• Is your marriage worth saving?
• Breaking the news to your children
• The next steps

In the aftermath of the Rebecca Loos affair, there was hot speculation that Victoria Beckham got pregnant for the third time in an attempt to keep her marriage to David together, despite any cracks that were appearing. Often, couples get pregnant to try to save an already doomed marriage but when we polled Babyworld members on the matter, a massive 595 people said a baby should never be 'used' to save a relationship.

Having a baby to try to rescue a relationship is one thing but what happens when you already have children and your marriage is on the rocks? Should you stay together for their sake or is it best to accept things are over?

Many parents in unhappy relationships admit the only reason they are still a couple is because of the kids. This reason - or is it an excuse? - has been used for years to explain why couples stick in miserable marriages. It's understandable too. Until not so very long ago, and perhaps still relevant to today, children from 'broken homes' were the cause of all evil in society. Single motherhood and crime seemed to go hand-in-hand in news stories and painted a very negative picture about what happens to children who don't have ma and pa there 24/7.

On a more personal level, there is of course a reluctance to split up a family and inflict the pain that it will cause on your much-loved children. To them, mum and dad are their world, their security, and they rely on us to always be there for them. By cutting up this safety net, we are depriving them of their security and asking them to grow up in many ways at a young age.

On the other hand, though, how good is it for a child or children to be part of a family in conflict? Where shouting and discord are part and parcel of everyday life? My own parents separated when I was 12 years old, after years of fights and battles. I used to dread friends coming over to our house in case they witnessed a falling-out, while family holidays held nothing but fear for me because my parents would often spend the time bickering and sniping at one another. This was a tense and very unhappy atmosphere in which to grow up and, to this day, I still believe that when my parents finally did split, it was in everyone's best interests.

I am not alone in this opinion either, as parent coach Debbie Lewis explains. "I believe that it is in everyone's best interests to have parents who are happy and fulfilled in their own lives, whether this is together or apart. What we do know very clearly from research is that long-term conflict between parents is damaging to children, their sense of identity and understanding about relationships. It is not in their best interest for parents to remain together for the sake of their children if this means the children will live in an environment of hostility, regret or conflict."

Relationship counsellor and author Suzie Hayman agrees with this but stresses that children might not initially see it this way. "Divorce and separation are very adult solutions to an adult problem. However, children will probably think and feel differently. They might want their parents to stay together, no matter what, and be obviously very hurt and upset by the idea of them splitting up. However, despite this, it is very harmful for children to grow up in a hostile atmosphere, where parents are constantly fighting or, worse, being abusive."

Before you do call it a day, however, make absolutely sure that this relationship is beyond saving. This may sound either obvious or ridiculous, but often the stresses of everyday living, particularly with children and the strains they can put on a relationship, can cloud our judgement on such matters. It may be worth booking at least an introductory session with a marriage guidance counsellor to work through the issues you are both struggling with to see if there's any chance of compromise. This is something that Janice* and her husband Rob* did.

"For a long time, probably since before our son Luke's birth, things weren't ideal between Rob and me. Then, thrown into parenthood, our differences really started to show. The cracks gradually got larger as we started fighting about how to raise Luke - in fact we were unfortunately using him as a way of getting at each other. When his behaviour started to deteriorate, and the health visitor gently asked if there were tensions at home, we realised we needed to do something about our problems, and that it was unfair to inadvertently use Luke as a pawn in our relationship."

"We started attending sessions with Relate to discuss our differences and explore what it was that was making our relationship such hard work. It's still early days but it has been good to start talking about our issues in a neutral environment, away from the house. We're feeling more positive than we have felt in a long time now about our relationship."

During this period, life at home may be tough as you try to unravel the problems in your relationship. Undoubtedly, your children will pick up on this tension but, if you are trying to resolve your differences, is it really worth admitting to your children that you are having marriage guidance sessions? Suzie Hayman definitely thinks so.

"Children are amazingly perceptive and will pick up on any negative feelings so it's worth explaining to them what is going on so they're kept in the picture, even to young ones. Aim for simple language - perhaps tell them that mummy and daddy are not getting on very well but you're seeing a special kind of doctor who you hope will help you. Of course, children might not take in what you're saying immediately, and you may have to keep repeating yourself on many occasions so they eventually understand the situation."

If, at the end of the day, you relationship is well and truly over, you'll need to think about how you will explain this to your children. Debbie Lewis recommends starting by reassuring them that the decision to separate was yours and your partner's and in no way is their fault. "Many children grow up believing that they are responsible for their parents' separation and, equally, if they do the right thing, can bring their parents back together. You may need to tell them several times for them to understand the situation."

Debbie advises a very open approach when discussing this with your children but to also steer clear of the finer details. "You need to be honest but keep the information you give them basic and reassuring."

Telling children about your decision to split will be a tough one for all concerned - for you because you're scared of their response and how to manage that - and for them, because they won't necessarily know how to react. Very small children may not be able to take this in very well and might only realise what's happening once you or your partner moves out. Older children will probably understand but be filled with a whole raft of emotions, ranging from fear about their future to anger at you both for not being able to hold things together, to guilt and worry that they somehow caused the split.

Suzie Hayman urges parents to be very aware - and non-judgemental - of their children's emotions. "It's important to recognise your child's feelings. If they say that they want mummy and daddy to stay together, don't dismiss them by saying they don't understand or that they're wrong as that makes them doubt themselves and their right to feel as they do. They are entitled to their feelings and should be allowed to express them."

Don't feel guilty about what you are doing; instead focus on how you can help your kids through this emotional time, as Debbie stresses. "Be prepared for them to be upset, either through their words or behaviour, depending on their age. Think about how you are going to manage this - listen to your children and give them the time and space to express how they feel."

Suzie agrees, adding, "Try to observe what they say and do, particularly with younger children. Often, through play, children will act out their feelings and this is an important cue for you to initiate an informal conversation about how they are feeling. Drawings are also helpful in revealing hidden emotions and relaxed surroundings, such as car trips, bath time and play time, might encourage them to speak more freely about their worries and concerns than more formal sit-down sessions."

Once you have explained what is going on, you will need to be prepared for the questions that might follow your announcement, as Debbie reveals. "Children often ask about the practical arrangements such as 'Where will I live?', 'Does this mean I will see you less?' and 'Who will take me to school?'. Make sure you have agreed these arrangements with your ex-partner and that, if you can, you tell them together if you think your children would benefit from this."

One conversation will not be the beginning and end of this however. Taking on board their parents' break-up will be a mammoth emotional task for your children and they will need continued support to get through this, as Suzie Hayman explains.

"Even though, as far as you and your partner are concerned, your relationship is ending, it is in fact changing. Instead of being partners, you will become co-parents and that means recognising that what is best for the kids isn't always best for you. You must strive to maintain an amicable relationship with your ex for your child's sake, allowing them to talk freely about their mum or dad, to look at photos and share memories of times when you were together. This isn't easy, I know, but it needs to be done."

Debbie Lewis agrees. "Your children need to be reassured that you both love them and that this won't change now you are separating," says Debbie. "Tell them that both their parents love them and will continue to care for them. Discourage your child from taking sides with either you or your ex."

Taking care of your children's emotional well-being after the separation will be a long-term responsibility. Many movies and television programmes testify to the potential conflict that can arise between warring ex-partners… and the devastating effect that can have on their children. For this reason, it is vital that you and your partner can find a way of communicating with each other, or simply tolerating each other, in the presence of your kids. "Continued and ongoing conflict between parents is damaging to children," warns Debbie, "so maintaining a relationship in the long term with your partner, where you act at two loving parents, will really make all difference to how your children view this."

No one is saying you will find this easy or that at times you will struggle. But by recognizing and dealing with your children's needs during this difficult time, you will make the transition much easier and bearable for all concerned.