 Positive
parenting
Do you feel like all you do is nag? Become a positive parent
and build a happier relationship with your child.
Let's be honest: parenting is one of the most difficult things that
we do as adults. No training, constant doubts about whether you're doing
things 'right' and delightful but often difficult little people who
can melt your heart or cause a meltdown. It's not surprising that many
parents feel as if they are on a downward roll when they go through
one of the normal and expected 'tough times'. However, the deeper you
get entrenched in the battle the more difficult it is to dig yourself
out and parenting becomes a chore not a joy, as Ruth Tod, author of
Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World, explains: 'Parenting is
all about building relationships. If you find yourself feeling that
life with your children has become a series of burdensome tasks, something
has gone wrong. What you don't want is parenting to be a drudge or a
battle.'
Positive parenting is not about pretending that everything is fine
when it isn't. Nor does it involve reinventing the wheel. It's simply
a practical approach to raising your child that reaps emotional rewards
for all involved. Here we show you how.
Communication is key
To be an effective parent you need, as in all areas of life, to be
a good communicator. Often conflict and confusion arise because we haven't
really been able to listen to someone else or understand their feelings.
Ruth Tod adds: 'Disagreements turn into conflicts when people do not,
or cannot, understand each other. Either they are not listening or they
do not have the ability to be calm and clear.' Even though it may not
seem this way, children are, in fact, natural communicators. 'Good communicating
involves listening and noticing as well as talking,' explains Ruth.
'We can see this is small children [who] ... respond to touch and feelings,
to images, sounds and smells. They notice the tone and volume of our
voices before they know the meaning of the words we use. They respond
to smiles and frowns, cuddles and laughter, anger and distress. They
pick up tensions, however much we try to suppress them.'
" Time it right: Like everyone, children are better approached at certain
times of the day than others. A good moment to gently tackle an ongoing
issue might be on the way to school, at mealtimes, at bedtime, while reading
or watching TV, or when you're doing an activity together such as drawing.
" Be encouraging: If you bombard a child with specific questions they
may feel too pressured to reply. Try open-ended questions, which leave
the ball in their court on how they wish to answer. " Listen very carefully:
If you have your own agenda about what you want to gain from the talk
you might not succeed in getting through to your child. Show them that
you really are taking their comments on board by nodding your head, or
smiling encouragingly. " Be kind: It might sound obvious - why would you
be unkind to your child? However, sometimes when we hear things that make
us uncomfortable or guilty, we can unintentionally resort to tactics such
as criticisms, complaints, teasing, put-downs and telling-offs. For example,
when a child tells you that they feel you are being unfair on them, you
might brush them off by saying: 'Don't be so silly!'. Instead, ask them
why they feel you're being unfair and open the debate up. Regain
control without being a control freak
Some parents hate the thought of disciplining their child because they
attach negative associations to it, while others are so scared of losing
control that they adopt an army-style approach. However, the very word
'discipline' itself means 'to teach', not to punish, and it's the way
in which you show your child to behave that's key here. Ruth advocates
an 'affirmative discipline' technique, in which you reinforce the attitudes
and behaviour you want to promote rather than merely shouting at your
child to be quiet, or to stop hitting. But what does affirmative discipline
mean?
- Giving attention to the things that you want to encourage: e.g.
'Well done for putting your toys away without me having to ask you'.
When children see that you give them attention for acting in a positive
way, they'll want to continue doing this.
- Redirect your child: 'If she draws on the walls of the living room...
it is important to say "No!" very firmly so that your view is completely
clear,' Ruth advises. 'Follow it with a positive statement such as
"I like this room as it is, please help me keep it that way". Then
offer her an alternative.'
- Don't overuse the word 'no': As many weary parents will testify,
the word 'no' starts to lose its power pretty quickly. Soon it's the
only word you're using but, ironically, it's not having any effect.
Obviously, it is essential in dangerous situations, or when you're
in a hurry, so to maximise its effect, Ruth suggests an appropriate
tone of voice and suitable body language.
- Praise with caution: All children love approval but interestingly
a constant stream of compliments can make a child feel like they always
must be good! To avoid setting your standards (and your child's) too
high, Ruth says: 'It's better to focus on appreciation to encourage
their development and enjoyment rather than their success. Avoid saying
"What a good girl, how clever you are". Focus more on the quality
of what she has done by saying, "What a cheerful drawing!".' Too much
praise wears as thin as too many 'no's so use it wisely.
Setting limits
It can be difficult to establish firm limits within a family, particularly
if you and your partner have different ideas. You may find yourselves
arguing about the best 'method' to use, which in itself creates
confusion and tension between family members.
" Create family rules together so you can see how your expectations
differ from those of your partner. Ruth Tod says you don't have to
agree about everything, and that a healthy amount of difference is
a potentially positive thing: 'In fact, by acknowledging minor differences,
you teach your child that difference is all right and that people
have differing views that can be listened to and discussed.' " Always
have a list of fixed rules that everyone obeys, such as keeping away
from fire, not to climb on the counters, to always ask mummy and daddy
for help with reaching high objects, that there are certain ways of
behaving that are unacceptable, etc. " But be flexible too: You need
to have some room for change and compromise otherwise, Ruth warns,
'Children who are given very fixed family rules will be frightened
of flexibility.' Flexible rules could be a later bedtime at weekends
than on weekdays. " Be aware of your child's limitations: When establishing
rules, don't be unrealistic in your expectations of your child.
Criticise the behaviour, not the child
At times we all need to criticise things our child has done but
most child psychologists these days insist on the importance of
making it clear that you are commenting on your child's actions,
not on them as a person. For example:
" If your child hits someone tell them that violence is unacceptable,
or that their behaviour was unkind. Don't say: 'You are a bad girl
for doing that.' " If your son runs into the road, tell him his actions
were dangerous. Don't say: 'You stupid boy!' " Remember: positive
criticism should empower a child to make different choices not disenable
them so they feel ridiculed or 'bad' as a person.
See your child's strengths
Responsibility for another person can do odd things to you. It
can make you see the world as an inherently dangerous place (which
of course it is) to the extreme that you feel you need to issue
warnings about everything. On the other hand, since you are your
child's 'teacher' you feel responsible for teaching her how to be
a respectful, loving and compassionate human being. This is admirable,
of course, but it runs the risk of expecting too much too soon of
your child. When she has a perfectly normal temper tantrum, you
may take it personally and see it as a reflection of how she is
ignoring the lessons in manners you have been giving her. Or her
refusal to share her ball in the playground with another child has
embarrassed you - she knows to be nice, after all. We're all so
desperate to produce lovely children that sometimes we forget that
they are just that - children - and they like everyone else have
their good and bad days. So, rather than worry constantly about
the undesirable traits, try to focus on her good ones. These could
include:
" Patience: sitting and doing a puzzle on her own. " Creativity: drawing
a lovely picture of her mummy. " Kindness: offering you a taste of
her ice cream. " Love: giving you spontaneous hugs and kisses when
you least expect it. " Curiosity: wanting to know where things come
from, what they're made of, etc. " Joy: an infectious laugh that you
hear so many times a day, showing a real love of living.
Show her you love her
The most important gift you can give your child is unconditional
love, as Ruth stresses: 'To feel comfortable in ourselves we need
to be loved and affirmed, to be appreciated and valued as we are...
Love is not just kisses and cuddles; it is also being understood
and acknowledged, given attention and consideration, given the space
and the opportunity to be ourselves.' Children who receive these
things from their parents are happy, confident, compassionate towards
others, and comfortable in themselves - all of which will serve
them well both now and into their adult years.
Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World by Ruth Tod is published
by Gaia (see www.octopusbooks.co.uk).
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