Positive parentingDo you feel like all you do is nag? Become a positive parent and build a happier relationship with your child.
Let's be honest: parenting is one of the most difficult things that we do as adults. No training, constant doubts about whether you're doing things 'right' and delightful but often difficult little people who can melt your heart or cause a meltdown. It's not surprising that many parents feel as if they are on a downward roll when they go through one of the normal and expected 'tough times'. However, the deeper you get entrenched in the battle the more difficult it is to dig yourself out and parenting becomes a chore not a joy, as Ruth Tod, author of Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World, explains: 'Parenting is all about building relationships. If you find yourself feeling that life with your children has become a series of burdensome tasks, something has gone wrong. What you don't want is parenting to be a drudge or a battle.' Positive parenting is not about pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. Nor does it involve reinventing the wheel. It's simply a practical approach to raising your child that reaps emotional rewards for all involved. Here we show you how. Communication is keyTo be an effective parent you need, as in all areas of life, to be a good communicator. Often conflict and confusion arise because we haven't really been able to listen to someone else or understand their feelings. Ruth Tod adds: 'Disagreements turn into conflicts when people do not, or cannot, understand each other. Either they are not listening or they do not have the ability to be calm and clear.' Even though it may not seem this way, children are, in fact, natural communicators. 'Good communicating involves listening and noticing as well as talking,' explains Ruth. 'We can see this is small children [who] ... respond to touch and feelings, to images, sounds and smells. They notice the tone and volume of our voices before they know the meaning of the words we use. They respond to smiles and frowns, cuddles and laughter, anger and distress. They pick up tensions, however much we try to suppress them.'
Some parents hate the thought of disciplining their child because they attach negative associations to it, while others are so scared of losing control that they adopt an army-style approach. However, the very word 'discipline' itself means 'to teach', not to punish, and it's the way in which you show your child to behave that's key here. Ruth advocates an 'affirmative discipline' technique, in which you reinforce the attitudes and behaviour you want to promote rather than merely shouting at your child to be quiet, or to stop hitting. But what does affirmative discipline mean?
It can be difficult to establish firm limits within a family, particularly if you and your partner have different ideas. You may find yourselves arguing about the best 'method' to use, which in itself creates confusion and tension between family members.
At times we all need to criticise things our child has done but most child psychologists these days insist on the importance of making it clear that you are commenting on your child's actions, not on them as a person. For example: If your child hits someone tell them that violence is unacceptable, or that their behaviour was unkind. Don't say: 'You are a bad girl for doing that.'
Responsibility for another person can do odd things to you. It can make you see the world as an inherently dangerous place (which of course it is) to the extreme that you feel you need to issue warnings about everything. On the other hand, since you are your child's 'teacher' you feel responsible for teaching her how to be a respectful, loving and compassionate human being. This is admirable, of course, but it runs the risk of expecting too much too soon of your child. When she has a perfectly normal temper tantrum, you may take it personally and see it as a reflection of how she is ignoring the lessons in manners you have been giving her. Or her refusal to share her ball in the playground with another child has embarrassed you - she knows to be nice, after all. We're all so desperate to produce lovely children that sometimes we forget that they are just that - children - and they like everyone else have their good and bad days. So, rather than worry constantly about the undesirable traits, try to focus on her good ones. These could include: Patience: sitting and doing a puzzle on her own. The most important gift you can give your child is unconditional love, as Ruth stresses: 'To feel comfortable in ourselves we need to be loved and affirmed, to be appreciated and valued as we are... Love is not just kisses and cuddles; it is also being understood and acknowledged, given attention and consideration, given the space and the opportunity to be ourselves.' Children who receive these things from their parents are happy, confident, compassionate towards others, and comfortable in themselves - all of which will serve them well both now and into their adult years. Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World by Ruth Tod is published by Gaia (see www.octopusbooks.co.uk).Where to next?
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