Positive parenting

Do you feel like all you do is nag? Become a positive parent and build a happier relationship with your child.

• Communication is key
• Regain control without being a control freak
• Setting limits
• Criticise the behaviour, not the child
• See your child's strengths
• Show her you love her
• Listen and watch a discussion about positive parenting (browse menu and click on Positive Parenting link)

Let's be honest: parenting is one of the most difficult things that we do as adults. No training, constant doubts about whether you're doing things 'right' and delightful but often difficult little people who can melt your heart or cause a meltdown. It's not surprising that many parents feel as if they are on a downward roll when they go through one of the normal and expected 'tough times'. However, the deeper you get entrenched in the battle the more difficult it is to dig yourself out and parenting becomes a chore not a joy, as Ruth Tod, author of Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World, explains: 'Parenting is all about building relationships. If you find yourself feeling that life with your children has become a series of burdensome tasks, something has gone wrong. What you don't want is parenting to be a drudge or a battle.'

Positive parenting is not about pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. Nor does it involve reinventing the wheel. It's simply a practical approach to raising your child that reaps emotional rewards for all involved. Here we show you how.

Communication is key

To be an effective parent you need, as in all areas of life, to be a good communicator. Often conflict and confusion arise because we haven't really been able to listen to someone else or understand their feelings. Ruth Tod adds: 'Disagreements turn into conflicts when people do not, or cannot, understand each other. Either they are not listening or they do not have the ability to be calm and clear.' Even though it may not seem this way, children are, in fact, natural communicators. 'Good communicating involves listening and noticing as well as talking,' explains Ruth. 'We can see this is small children [who] ... respond to touch and feelings, to images, sounds and smells. They notice the tone and volume of our voices before they know the meaning of the words we use. They respond to smiles and frowns, cuddles and laughter, anger and distress. They pick up tensions, however much we try to suppress them.'

• Time it right: Like everyone, children are better approached at certain times of the day than others. A good moment to gently tackle an ongoing issue might be on the way to school, at mealtimes, at bedtime, while reading or watching TV, or when you're doing an activity together such as drawing.
• Be encouraging: If you bombard a child with specific questions they may feel too pressured to reply. Try open-ended questions, which leave the ball in their court on how they wish to answer.
  Listen very carefully: If you have your own agenda about what you want to gain from the talk you might not succeed in getting through to your child. Show them that you really are taking their comments on board by nodding your head, or smiling encouragingly.
• Be kind: It might sound obvious - why would you be unkind to your child? However, sometimes when we hear things that make us uncomfortable or guilty, we can unintentionally resort to tactics such as criticisms, complaints, teasing, put-downs and telling-offs. For example, when a child tells you that they feel you are being unfair on them, you might brush them off by saying: 'Don't be so silly!'. Instead, ask them why they feel you're being unfair and open the debate up.

Regain control without being a control freak

Some parents hate the thought of disciplining their child because they attach negative associations to it, while others are so scared of losing control that they adopt an army-style approach. However, the very word 'discipline' itself means 'to teach', not to punish, and it's the way in which you show your child to behave that's key here. Ruth advocates an 'affirmative discipline' technique, in which you reinforce the attitudes and behaviour you want to promote rather than merely shouting at your child to be quiet, or to stop hitting. But what does affirmative discipline mean?

• Giving attention to the things that you want to encourage: e.g. 'Well done for putting your toys away without me having to ask you'. When children see that you give them attention for acting in a positive way, they'll want to continue doing this.
• Redirect your child: 'If she draws on the walls of the living room... it is important to say "No!" very firmly so that your view is completely clear,' Ruth advises. 'Follow it with a positive statement such as "I like this room as it is, please help me keep it that way". Then offer her an alternative.'
• Don't overuse the word 'no': As many weary parents will testify, the word 'no' starts to lose its power pretty quickly. Soon it's the only word you're using but, ironically, it's not having any effect. Obviously, it is essential in dangerous situations, or when you're in a hurry, so to maximise its effect, Ruth suggests an appropriate tone of voice and suitable body language.
• Praise with caution: All children love approval but interestingly a constant stream of compliments can make a child feel like they always must be good! To avoid setting your standards (and your child's) too high, Ruth says: 'It's better to focus on appreciation to encourage their development and enjoyment rather than their success. Avoid saying "What a good girl, how clever you are". Focus more on the quality of what she has done by saying, "What a cheerful drawing!".' Too much praise wears as thin as too many 'no's so use it wisely.

Setting limits

It can be difficult to establish firm limits within a family, particularly if you and your partner have different ideas. You may find yourselves arguing about the best 'method' to use, which in itself creates confusion and tension between family members.

• Create family rules together so you can see how your expectations differ from those of your partner. Ruth Tod says you don't have to agree about everything, and that a healthy amount of difference is a potentially positive thing: 'In fact, by acknowledging minor differences, you teach your child that difference is all right and that people have differing views that can be listened to and discussed.'
• Always have a list of fixed rules that everyone obeys, such as keeping away from fire, not to climb on the counters, to always ask mummy and daddy for help with reaching high objects, that there are certain ways of behaving that are unacceptable, etc.
• But be flexible too: You need to have some room for change and compromise otherwise, Ruth warns, 'Children who are given very fixed family rules will be frightened of flexibility.' Flexible rules could be a later bedtime at weekends than on weekdays.
• Be aware of your child's limitations: When establishing rules, don't be unrealistic in your expectations of your child.

Criticise the behaviour, not the child

At times we all need to criticise things our child has done but most child psychologists these days insist on the importance of making it clear that you are commenting on your child's actions, not on them as a person. For example:

If your child hits someone tell them that violence is unacceptable, or that their behaviour was unkind. Don't say: 'You are a bad girl for doing that.'

If your son runs into the road, tell him his actions were dangerous. Don't say: 'You stupid boy!'

Remember: positive criticism should empower a child to make different choices not disenable them so they feel ridiculed or 'bad' as a person.

See your child's strengths

Responsibility for another person can do odd things to you. It can make you see the world as an inherently dangerous place (which of course it is) to the extreme that you feel you need to issue warnings about everything. On the other hand, since you are your child's 'teacher' you feel responsible for teaching her how to be a respectful, loving and compassionate human being. This is admirable, of course, but it runs the risk of expecting too much too soon of your child. When she has a perfectly normal temper tantrum, you may take it personally and see it as a reflection of how she is ignoring the lessons in manners you have been giving her. Or her refusal to share her ball in the playground with another child has embarrassed you - she knows to be nice, after all. We're all so desperate to produce lovely children that sometimes we forget that they are just that - children - and they like everyone else have their good and bad days. So, rather than worry constantly about the undesirable traits, try to focus on her good ones. These could include:

Patience: sitting and doing a puzzle on her own.
Creativity: drawing a lovely picture of her mummy.
Kindness: offering you a taste of her ice cream.
Love: giving you spontaneous hugs and kisses when you least expect it.
Curiosity: wanting to know where things come from, what they're made of, etc.
Joy: an infectious laugh that you hear so many times a day, showing a real love of living.

Show her you love her

The most important gift you can give your child is unconditional love, as Ruth stresses: 'To feel comfortable in ourselves we need to be loved and affirmed, to be appreciated and valued as we are... Love is not just kisses and cuddles; it is also being understood and acknowledged, given attention and consideration, given the space and the opportunity to be ourselves.' Children who receive these things from their parents are happy, confident, compassionate towards others, and comfortable in themselves - all of which will serve them well both now and into their adult years.

Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World by Ruth Tod is published by Gaia (see www.octopusbooks.co.uk).

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