Postnatal depression from a male perspective

• It was always in the back of our minds
• Holding the fort
• Hating the helplessness
• The third person in our marriage
• Time for change
• My tips for dads affected by postnatal depression

When I first started dating Kate she told me that she suffered from depression, so I knew from the start that it was part of who she was as a person. It was in the back of our minds when we were trying to conceive as we understood that depression can hit both during and after pregnancy. However, I never really fully grasped how serious this could be until Kate started going downhill mentally towards the end of her pregnancy. Just after our baby was born, it was obvious that things weren't right with Kate as she refused to look at or touch our daughter. Then the hallucinations started and Kate just collapsed, saying she wanted to die. I knew we needed professional help immediately.

While Kate was being treated for depression, I was left holding the fort and automatically went into coping mode. I like to 'fix' things so I just took on the role of carer, provider, father and employee without questioning it. This was my big mistake. I should have told family and friends just how bad things were - by not sharing it with them I was creating even more stress. I didn't tell my work either so I was trying to carry on as normal in my job while doing everything at home. There's only so much stress a person can take and in the end my doctor warned me that I was in for a similar breakdown to Kate's unless I started asking for help. It was a real wake-up call, not only for me but also for our families and for Kate herself that we couldn't go on living that way.

I think the overriding emotion that I felt with Kate's postnatal depression was that of helplessness, and I believe that most fathers must feel this way too. You want to help but what can you do when your partner says she wants to die and can see demons coming out of her throat? It's frightening. I love her but there's only so much that I can do. For months I was also scared of leaving Kate alone or with our child for any period of time in case she hurt herself or our daughter. And then I was incredibly angry. I was angry at Kate for being depressed but also at myself for not being able to sort things out for all of us.

The motivation behind writing the book was not to dwell on the misery and the negatives as much good came out of this experience. Yes, we all went through an incredibly difficult time but the point is we're here now and we're OK. I wanted to share that hope with other couples who experience postnatal depression and its consequences. Getting through it is the journey of a couple. Men must learn to not only be aware of what their wife is going through but also their own emotions about it. And women must appreciate that men suffer from the experience too. When I reached my lowest point it seemed to jog Kate into recognition that she needed to play an active role in her own recovery, which helped her start healing. We will never be free from depression - I regard it as the third person in our marriage - but we know to keep an eye out for it and act sooner rather than later.

The situation regarding the effects of postnatal depression on men needs to change. It's essential that women, the medical profession and society as a whole become more aware of what men go through and offer the appropriate support. The existence of forums in which men can express their issues would be helpful, as would any legislation that takes into consideration the responsibilities men have at home (eg to make paternity leave a standard entitlement). However, men must help themselves too by accepting that while coping with this illness is tough it doesn't mean that they are incompetent for not 'dealing' with it. They need to ask for the support they deserve and not feel ashamed for doing so.

• Communicate Be honest about what your feeling and tell your wife, your doctor, your family.
• Don't feel guilty about how you're feeling or admitting that you're finding it tough.
• Ask for help:You don't need to try to do it all yourself. Make a list detailing what you can cope with and what you can't and ask for help. Don't bear the burden alone.
• Remember that you're an individual - before you got married and had kids you were your own person. Identify your own needs and make sure you get some 'me' time when you can. I insist on an afternoon to myself once a week!

Where to next?

• Find out more about postnatal depression in mums
• Postnatal depression in dads
•  Feel for fathers - it can be tough being a new dad
•  What to expect from life after birth by Sheila Kitzinger
•   Life is enjoyable once again