Parenting skills that every parent needs
From cradle to college, life as a parent can turn into a confrontation
nightmare leaving you feeling that your child is head of the household.
Ros Jay, author of Kids & Co, shows you how to use your life skills
from the minute you bring that little bundle home…
Most of us are perfectly confident at work, especially by the time
we're several years into our career. Confronted by a small but determined
child, however, we often feel we're on pretty shaky ground. Running a meeting,
handling a tricky colleague or negotiating a contract may have become second
nature, but persuading a toddler to get into the car without a fight is
beyond us.
Actually, though, the worlds of work and small children aren't as far
removed from each other as they seem. We acquire a vast range of skills
at work to help us deal with other people. And what are children, after
all, if not small people? OK, very small, and you can't sack them (much
as you may get the urge to at times). But there are more similarities
than differences between Elaine in accounts, or Dave down at the suppliers,
and your own child, than you might realise at first glance (or indeed
want to admit to).
Are today's toddlers harder to
discipline?
It's tempting to imagine that the task of keeping your little one in line
is tougher now than it was for our parents and grandparents. But it shouldn't
be. Experience at work shows that with good management, grown-ups will behave
in an exemplary way, and toddlers are no different. The rules may have changed
over the years, but the level of discipline doesn't need to. If you exercise
firm and consistent control from the start, your child can be a paragon
of good behaviour (although you should recognise that this means other parents
may hate you).
The secret of handling your children lies in recognising that all those
'people skills' you confidently exercise at the office will work just
as well on your own brood. Try seeing yourself as a manager, and the children
as your team, and you'll find that you know just how to keep them in order.
What's more, there are bonuses. Treating your children in this way means:
- listening to them
- being polite to them
- respecting their views
- taking their opinion into account (even if you don't eventually act
on it)
- making them feel important and needed
All vital and basic management skills, which all too often get forgotten
at home among the flurry of getting them to put their pyjamas on or eat
the lunch you spent ages preparing for them. They are all skills, however,
which will vastly improve your relationship with your toddler. Like a good
manager, you should be firmly in charge and yet almost never need to raise
your voice or play the heavy-handed boss. So how's it done? Here are a couple
of ideas for starters.
Seeing the customer's point of view
When you're at work, you see things from your customers' viewpoint because
you have to. If they're making a complaint it's your job to look at things
from their perspective. But what about the children? Do you always see things
from their point of view? Suppose you are in a rush to get to the shops
and back in time to prepare dinner before your guests arrive. Your child,
on the other hand, is refusing to get into the car until their favourite
TV programme has finished in 20 minutes.
What usually happens in this situation is a blazing row. You get increasingly
insistent that they get into the car NOW, they dig their heels in ever
further, and before you know it you're not enjoying yourself at all. But
nine times out of 10, if you look at it from your child's perspective
rather than your own, you'll at least be able to compromise.
Imagine the tables were turned. You've been waiting all week to find
out what happens in this episode of your favourite programme and, just
as you're getting into it, your child turns up and starts nagging you
to come outside and play with them. You wouldn't be too pleased, would
you?
You'll find that looking at the situation from your child's viewpoint
makes it easier for you to cope. Instead of feeling irritated, you feel
sympathetic. Of course, they've still got to get in the car and come shopping,
but at least you'll be more tolerant in the way you put it to them. Otherwise,
from their perspective, not only are you trying to stop them watching
their favourite programme, but you're giving them a hard time as well
- insult to injury.
With this approach you're more likely to start out by saying "I'm
sorry, sweetheart, but we've got to go shopping…". Altogether
a less confrontational attitude. This gives you scope to look for a compromise,
too, which you'll feel more inclined to do if you're sympathetic from
the start. "How about we put a tape in and you can watch it when
you get back?" Or: "Why don't we buy some of your favourite
biscuits, to make up for missing your favourite programme?" (Obviously
it was never their favourite programme before; it just suddenly became
their very, very favourite when you told them they were going to have
to miss it. But if you're magnanimous, you'll overlook that.)
The truth about bribery
One of the best forms of motivation is bribery. It has a bad name among
parents - it feels like cheating, but that's only because we associate it
with a pathetic attempt at appeasement. It doesn't have to be. There's a
world of difference between bribing a child to say yes after they've initially
refused, and bribing them before you start. In other words, if you anticipate
trouble, you can start out by saying "It's time to go shopping. Come
on - if you're good I'll buy you an ice cream on the way home." It's
not the same thing at all as begging your shrieking child, as they lie kicking
and flailing on the floor of the supermarket, "Please be good, and
I'll buy you an ice cream."
If you think about it, the first version - offering a bribe before they've
done anything wrong - is only what managers do with their staff all the
time: "If you're good, I'll give you a Christmas bonus." "If
you handle this job well, you'll get more responsibility and a better
job title next year." It may be implied rather than spoken, but the
offer is still clear.
So in future, we can stop calling these temptations bribes, and start
calling them by the words we use at work: rewards, incentives, motivating
factors. There. Now you don't have to feel guilty any more. You're not
bribing your child, you're incentivising them.
Where to next?
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