Pass the parenting manual!It seems these days we just can't live our lives without analysing where we're getting things right or wrong. Even in parenting - the thing we're supposed to be naturals at - there is room for improvement. In a world where we're constantly seeking perhaps unattainable ideals of perfection, Sam Pope asked Jo Menneer, co-founder of the Parent Coaching Company, why there is a need for parent coaching.
What exactly is parent coaching? What I'll say first is what it isn't. It's not about telling you how to do things right. People assume we're going to give them the answers but, the way I see it, we're here to help parents find their own solutions to situations, in a way which best suits their family and situation. We are also keen to stress that parent coaching is about ensuring the well-being of the parent, rather than focusing on the child. If the parents are happy and secure, their children will automatically feel safe. Why has this area suddenly become popular?I think it's because nowadays we know it's OK to seek help, whereas in the past we weren't allowed to admit it. People these days are constantly looking at how they can improve themselves and do things better and this follows on from that quest. We also don't have the extended support network of family and friends as our parents and grandparents had since families are now scattered all over the country. Isn't this search to improve yourself just adding to the perfectionism obsession we have nowadays?In a way, yes. It's something we refer to as the Perfectionist Trap and it hits mums in particular. They open glossy magazines and see pictures of glamorous models in designer houses, free of the clutter and junk that you'd find in most family homes! They're wearing expensive clothes and are smilingly cooking a perfect meal for their children - minus the mess! We say that this is usually an ideal - and we try to get women to write down what is humanly possible for them to achieve, rather than obsessing on an unobtainable fantasy. Have we lost our confidence in how to parent then?I don't think it's that so much as a desire to do things differently from our parents and grandparents. We're not rejecting their values and ways but trying to establish ones that are more appropriate to our times and situations. For example, I had an idyllic childhood - brought up in the country by a stay-at-home mum. We could run around in the garden and fields without our parents worrying where we were. Nowadays, this sort of freedom is rarely possible, and both parents often work full time to earn enough money to keep the family going. What are the most common problems you deal with?Mainly issues surrounding child behaviour, such as sleeping, sibling rivalry and eating problems, which roughly translates into parents not being confident in their own behaviour! They're not sure if they're doing their job well enough, and this insecurity can be taken advantage of by their children. We try to teach parents relationship skills which will help them respond well to their children. We also stress how important it is for parents to have time for themselves - leave the washing-up till the next day and relax in the evening. If you're constantly trying to be perfect something's got to give, whether it's your health or your temper. Who are your clients?Mainly women get in touch with us, although we do get some dads and some couples too. Working with couples is good as it's important to hear both sides of the situation. Often they can't agree on a child-rearing issue and the problem is actually how they can come to a compromise on how to raise their kids. This is the biggest trouble area for couples and it's hardly surprising - I mean, on your wedding day, you're not going to sit down and discuss discipline methods for when you start your family! How would you resolve this problem?It's important to get across to the couple that it's OK for them to have different ideas about parenting issues as long as they provide a united front to their children. It's also a matter of explaining the difference between discipline and punishment. Many parents think of discipline in a negative way whereas, in fact, it's a positive thing as it's teaching a child how to behave. Punishment, on the other hand, doesn't really work as it's almost always done in a way that's unconnected to the incident. For example, if your child drew on the wall, you would teach them that it is unacceptable by asking them to clean it off - it's learning through action. Punishment, on the other hand, would be to smack them and lock them in their room without any explanation of what they had done wrong. So is it wrong to be angry with a child?Anger in itself is not wrong - it's how you deal with it that matters. Children must learn that parents aren't infallible. By all means show them that you're angry but use the opportunity to show them how you can deal with it acceptably (i.e. not by hitting or lashing out at someone else!). A lot of what we do is looking behind the 'presenting' problem (e.g. terrible tantrums) and looking at what's underneath the issue to help parents cope on in the long-term. Page 1 of 2 Read In the chair Sam's experience of parent coaching Where to next?
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