Lessons in love
Being a parent doesn't have to mean the death of romance and passion. Use our steps back to love to rekindle the fire...
There are few better times in life than those first weeks as a couple. The excitement of meeting up for a date, the passion, the chemistry, the joy of sharing interests and discovering new ones.
But for the majority of us, the honeymoon period has long since passed, replaced by the day-to-day ups and downs of family life. Life as a parent, and especially a new parent, can mean that those early halcyon days are banished to the back of the mind, replaced by the demands of a small person who is determined to do everything to invade what was once a cosy twosome.
Adjusting to being a family is hard. But it shouldn't mean the end of romance, and it most certainly should herald a new era of love that is somehow deeper and more rewarding than ever before.
So take a look at these steps back to love and don't just use Valentine's Day to declare your feelings for all your nearest and dearest, whether it be partner, husband, wife or child! Letting love grow is what it is all about.
Keeping the flame burning
Why should it be the case that having children spells the end of romance and passion? Whilst it's true that spontaneity is the first thing to disappear from a relationship once you start a family, a bit of attention to detail can go a long way.
Making time for your partner is absolutely crucial to keeping love alive, according to family counsellor Martha Heard, of the Family Caring Trust. Martha has been helping couples and families through their rough patches for ten years, and she sees a recurring pattern to the unhappiness that can evolve in relationships.
"Communication problems are very common," Martha says. "Sometimes adapting to having a child can be a big headache. Suddenly you're not just a couple, but parents with very little time to be a couple. The stress of returning to work after a baby, or indeed choosing to take a cut in earnings and stay at home, can take it's toll. Also there is a lack of support these days in terms of family and friends. Grandparents often live far away and friends, like yourselves, are busy."
But it's not all doom and gloom. Martha, who is married and has two children of her own, recommends these positive steps to rediscovering your love for each other as a couple:
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1. Find the time to go out together - don't just say, "We haven't got time"
2. Make a date - just like the good old days. You could even arrive separately
3. Reach out for support from family, if nearby, or make friends with other local young families
4. If the strain is showing, talk through problems, don't shout or accuse - that's how arguments start
Love thy children
Okay, so you've started to rekindle your passion as a couple but the kids need love too, and trying to share your love around can be tricky. However, if your children see you loving more and shouting less as a couple, they will automatically be happier. And as Martha points out, "Being positive about yourselves and your children will really improve family life. Sharing bad times with friends will reassure you that stumbling blocks on the path to raising children are normal. Hearing that your toddler will grow out of biting people can be very reassuring."
Some golden rules for loving your children:
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1. Establish, and stick to, a loving routine which includes story time, cuddles and lots of attention at bed time
2. Listen to what your children have to say and be positive about them and their achievements
3. Focus on the good behaviour, not the bad - listen to their feelings
4. Say sorry - if you shout at your child, they need to hear an apology as much as your partner
Making your love go further
Having established a new era of caring and sharing feelings in the family, how long can it last? Is it inevitable that the old habits of rushing about, not listening to each other and not going out enough will creep back in?
Not necessarily, Martha says. "If Valentine's Day is about love, then loving each other as a family can lead to really learning and caring about each other. When that is lost sight of, things go wrong."
If you used to enjoy reading, walking or swimming before the onslaught of family life, finding even just an hour a week (although the Family Caring Trust suggests half an hour a day as optimum) will work wonders. Sometimes just taking time out for a long bath (together!) can be heaven.
Step into the future with a positive attitude and a clearer, more organised approach to family life:
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1. Make time to do things together
2.Take time out to do things as a couple
3. Back off when things are tense
4. Rediscover interests as an individual
- Talk to other parents on one of our Parenting discussion boards or join a live chat for advice
- Alternatively ring Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222
- The Family Caring Trust has details of counsellors in your area at www.familycaring.co.uk
Where to next?