Some principles of 'good enough' parenting

Although you are now a parent, you are not necessarily a confident expert on babies and childcare. You will receive a ton of advice, much of it delivered in certainties such as 'You must…' or 'Never….''They always…'. Some findings from the systematic study of child development are surprising and overturn what would appear to be received wisdom or the assumptions that many people make. Before you take too much advice on board, here are some broad principles of parenting in the light of what is known about child and parent development:

• The first duty of a parent is to survive
• Parents are perfect if they are 'good enough'
• It's not what you do, it's the way you do it
• Accept and enjoy your child for who he is…
• Do as you would be done by
• You can't judge your worth as a parent just by the development or behaviour of your baby.
• Look after yourself and your marriage/relationship as well as your baby
• Don't get hung up on having to get it all perfect right from the start

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The first duty of a parent is to survive
The most important responsibility towards your baby is to be available, not to rear the perfect child (thank goodness). This doesn't mean that you have to remain physically close to your baby all the time, rather that you should be a constant and generally available figure throughout childhood

Parents are perfect if they are 'good enough'
They don't have to get everything right; luckily babies are, by and large, parent-proof. You can make mistakes and it won't matter much. In any case, the influence that ordinary parents have on the development of their children is rather less than most non-professionals think. This is just as well, as most parents cannot be entirely in control of their own lives, let alone remain utterly consistent and wonderful. If parents can keep their child and his best interests in mind, remain sensitive to his experience of the world and respond appropriately to his needs as a separate person, they are doing more than enough.

It's not what you do, it's the way you do it

Attitudes and relationships count for more than procedures and practices. For instance, from the point of view of your baby's personality development, it doesn't matter at all in the long term whether you breast-feed or bottle-feed. As a rough rule of thumb parents who can provide love for the child as he is, coupled with a measure of respect for him as a separate person, are going to do the right thing in terms of handling the child. Exactly what they do is less important than establishing a loving relationship between themselves and their child.

Accept and enjoy your child for who he is…
..not who you think he should be or you want him to become. Babies and children and are not just empty vessels into which you pour instructions, affection and information. They play an active part in their own development and won't end up just like you or how you would like them to be.

Do as you would be done by
By and large, if you do what seems to you to feel right and reasonably safe, and do for your baby what you would have liked done to you when you were a baby, then you are unlikely to go seriously wrong. Be faithful to your own intuition, it's what it's there for.

You can't judge your worth as a parent just by the development or behaviour of your baby
Babies are individuals from day one and some aspects of development are beyond the influence of parents. Gender is one, of course, but the baby's early temperament is another. Babies' behaviour and development don't necessarily provide parents with immediate feedback as to whether they are doing the right thing! Often you have to do what you instinctively think is right, even if it doesn't have an immediate effect on your child in the way you want. Do not be afraid of your own experience, judgement and authority. In all of these respects you are ahead of your child and you should stay in charge. Stick to your guns and don't just look to your child to reassure you that you are doing the right thing.

  7. Look after yourself and your marriage/relationship as well as your baby

Babies and children are only passing through your life. They are only on loan to you. If you sacrifice yourself completely to their needs so that you have no time for your husband, you may lose him and therefore rob the child of his father. In a similar vein, if you are, by the time your baby is a young adult, a mother and nothing else, your offspring's departure from your side and entry into the wider world will take from you all that you are. He may feel too guilty about this to abandon you. You will not have reared an independent person. Parents who live vicariously through their children run the risk of producing children who feel they have to satisfy their parents rather than live their own lives.

Continuing processes count for more than beginnings. We don't think perfect starts are that important and no one has sufficient control over the process to achieve one in any case. Getting off to a good-enough start is what really matters.

This is an extract from A prefect start : or coping with the first month of parenthood. Written by Christine Hill, a physiotherapist and antenatal class teacher and her husband Peter Hill a consultant child and adolescent psychiatrist. Published by Vermilion £8.99.

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