Cure sibling jealousy
The arrival of a second baby gives any family much to celebrate. But jealousy is bound to rear its head at some point in the first born! We take a look at how to you introduce your first child to the idea of becoming a big brother or sister?
- Be prepared
- First meetings
- Expect resentment
- Acknowledge his feelings
- Involve him
- Spend time together
- Ask others to help
- Give him time
Your first baby has had you to himself from the day he was born. But, with the arrival of a second baby, he has to share you.
It'll be a huge shock if you arrive home from hospital without warning, clutching your new bundle of joy. So, have a chat with your toddler in plenty of time. Victoria Beckham did the right thing by telling Brooklyn about her second pregnancy, and getting him to break the news to David, "I hoped it would make him feel he is involved with the new baby."
Talking with your first child about the baby growing in your tummy, how it's developing and what it's going to look like will help to prepare him for the new arrival. Talk to him about how babies cry and need feeding so he has some idea of what to expect. He might find it easier to accept this concept if you refer to the baby as 'your baby sister' rather than 'the new baby', establishing a relationship between the two children from the earliest point.
If possible, take your toddler to hospital appointments with you so that he can see his sibling on the scan and hear the heartbeat on the sonicaid. You could also show him the picture of your scan and explain what it felt like to have him in your tummy.
babyworld's parenting expert, Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer recommends using playtime and role-play to introduce the concept of the baby to your toddler, "Get a doll, even if your toddler's a boy, and get him to play at families or brothers and sisters with it. Talk about the baby and read stories about siblings to introduce the concept of another child to him."
When your older child first meets the new arrival, make sure it's as quiet as possible. This is a crucial time and having an audience of grandparents or uncles and aunts may well overwhelm him. It's also a good idea to have a present ready for your toddler from the baby, which will immediately establish good relations between them.
Make a fuss of him, first, then show him his new baby brother or sister. Again, talk about 'your baby sister' rather than 'the new baby'. Let him do as much as he feels comfortable with - if he just wants to look then do something else, fine. If he wants to stroke the baby's hands or feet (gently), or even sit for a few seconds with the baby on his lap with you supporting the baby's head, fine. Let him guide the pace.
It's natural for your first child to feel some resentment towards his sibling. However much you explain to him what it will be like, the reality of sharing you will be hard to swallow for him.
You need to reassure your child that you don't love him any less now that your second has arrived and that your attention isn't going to disappear. Playing up is your toddler's way of dealing with the upheaval.
If you think he's physically pent up and might strike out, Hartley-Brewer suggests anticipating this action. "Talk to him about his feelings and explain that it's OK to want to hit someone or something, but that it's absolutely not OK to actually do it."
If your child expresses his feelings of resentment towards your new arrival, encourage him to expand on them and explain to him why he might be feeling this way. If you can help him to understand his feelings, he'll be far less confused and overwhelmed by the new situation.
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer's advice is to express your toddler's feelings for him, even if he isn't showing any sign of expressing them himself, "Your toddler may not have the words to express his resentment, so your expression of his feelings can do a geat deal to diffuse the situation."
Let your child help you with the baby. Close contact will help build a positive relationship between your two children. Your toddler can help at bathtime, fetch nappies - whatever makes him feel involved.
If you're breastfeeding your new baby, your toddler might well be jealous of this close intimate contact you're having with the baby. Hartley-Brewer advocates drawing your toddler into this intimate situation, "Invite him to cuddle the baby and hold her hand while she's feeding. Draw the toddler into the relationship and include him in the new family unit".
Encouraging your child to interact with the baby by smiling, kissing, singing and cuddling her will help eliminate resentment. And when your baby responds, your toddler will be over the moon!
Make sure you have some quality time with your toddler soon after the baby is born. If you promise that you'll still have time for him, but fail to deliver because you're too busy with feeding and looking after your new baby, your toddler's resentment will escalate.
You should also ensure that your toddler spends increased time with dad or grandparents before the baby arrives, as these relationships will be all the more important when you are busy with the new baby.
babyworld's health visitor Debbie Honer suggests spending time with your toddler while the baby sleeps, "Try not to give all of your attention to the baby. It will not make any difference to the new baby if you simply feed her and put her in another room to sleep. Give your toddler all the time and attention that you can, and prime visitors to do the same."
When visitors arrive to admire your new baby, ask them to give some attention to your toddler too. They could ask him to show them the new addition to the family, and if they bring a present for the baby, bring one for your toddler too.
If your toddler plays up, it probably means that he's confused and craves attention. And don't expect problems to go away straight away. While he might well get used to having a baby around, when the baby starts to crawl and walk your toddler might well react again. A baby who knocks down his Lego and steals his toys provides further confusion to a toddler, so allow at least a year for things to settle down completely.
Where to next?- How long should you leave between pregnancies? Meet two babyworld users with very different views
- Coping with the challenge of step-families
- Babies are expensive! Save money with our budget tips
- Read about how Carol Smillie copes with a hectic working life and three small children
- Talk to other parents about jealousy in the Siblings forum