 When
a baby makes three
Having a baby changes your life forever - but how do you deal with
the stress it puts on your relationship? Relationship expert, Suzanne
Drew-Edwards, show you how to baby-proof your partnership.
One of the happy by-products of having a baby is that it can bring you
and your partner closer together. Yet even though this might be true some
of the time, the joy of parenting first time around is usually mixed with
enough stress to drive any happy couple insane - and apart. So what are
the danger signs to watch out for when the bickering increases and the
cuddles disappear - and what can you do about them?
Sex - what's that?
I assumed I wouldn't feel like sex when I was pregnant,' says Lucy, 32,
mother of six-month-old Ben, 'but it came as a shock when I didn't want
it afterwards. Sex was the last thing on my mind - and if I felt James's
hand on me, I'd start totting up how many hours sleep I could squeeze
in before Ben's next feed.'
Research shows the majority of women experience a decline in the frequency
and enjoyment of sex during pregnancy. But studies also show more than
50 per cent of couples have not returned to pre-pregnancy levels of sexual
activity one year after the birth of their child. 'It's all too easy for
sex to go by the wayside,' says psychologist Dr Cynthia McVey, a lecturer
at Glasgow Caledonian University. 'You're tired, you're still sore from
the birth, you're not confident with your new body shape; your breasts
hurt - there's a multitude of reasons.'
Solution: Talk to each other. Explain how you feel so your partner
doesn't feel it's him. Give it time and remember it does get better.
When your world turns baby-shaped
It seems amazing that a baby can have such a huge impact upon normal
life and sometimes both of you will feel that you are more like shiftworkers
than lovers. 'We stopped doing things together for the first two months,'
says Sarah, 36. 'Our lives became a turn-taking act - to sleep, eat and
relax. When Sam took Bella out in the pram, it meant I could relax, but
I had to do it by myself.'
In addition, when you're at home all day with the baby, that's all you
have to talk about. 'Everyone becomes a baby bore at the beginning,' says
psychologist Dr McVey, 'but after a few months it's good for you and your
partner to remember that there is life beyond nappies and mashed banana.'
Solution: Don't call each other 'mummy' and 'daddy'. Keep making
an effort with each other. Don't forget to focus on each other as a couple
rather than living your life through your baby.
Dealing with isolation
If you've had a career, being home alone can make you feel unfulfilled
and lacking in outside contact. 'I used to feel so jealous of Dan when
he would come home from work full of gossip - when I'd spent my day with
the baby, surrounded by dirty nappies, unwashed plates and feeling a total
mess,' says 33-year-old Alice. 'People feel they should be gloriously
happy,' says Dr McVey, 'but everyone's different, and if you're not happy
at home, it can make you feel guilty and inadequate - which in turn can
cause resentments in your relationship.'
Solution: Arrange to meet friends during the day and don't abandon
evenings out just because you've become a mum. Accustom your baby to taking
milk from a bottle so you can get out without baby in tow. Think about
returning to work (on a part-time basis if full-time isn't an option).
Stress-related rows
'Nobody told me how much we would argue after Tom was born,' says Nicci,
29, about her relationship with Alec. 'We were so tired and over-emotional,
we couldn't agree on anything. And I couldn't help myself interfering
when Alec was doing something and he'd instantly be up in arms.'
It can be a shock to discover how often you argue - sometimes the only
thing you can agree on is how lovely your baby is. And if you're the one
who does the majority of childcare it can be difficult to let go or see
someone doing things in another way.
Solution: Resist the urge to butt in. Give each other some space
to find your own ways of dealing with the baby.
Money matters
'We hadn't talked about money before because it was never an issue. I
had my pay cheque and Ian had his,' says Caro, 36. 'So when my maternity
pay ran out and we had to rely on one income it caused a lot of arguments
and I felt very dependent having to ask him for money.'
Having a baby is an expensive business. If you have given up work, even
temporarily, this can add imbalance to the relationship. Having to ask
for money can be a humiliating experience, while on the other hand, your
partner may feel under greater pressure to work harder and earn more.
Solution: Pool your money together and discuss your financial
affairs openly. Try not to blame each other for 'overspending', but work
out your budgets together.
Where to next?
On
the couch - helping with parenting problems
New
parents relationship - love, sex and you after birth
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