Being a mum is a huge part of many women's lives, but where do you draw the line between being a mother and being a woman?

There was a time, once, when you slept through the night, had sex regularly with your partner and felt really good about yourself. But that was probably before you had children. Many mums harbour fond (if guilty) memories of life before kids.

Marcia, a 33-year-old mum from the Midlands, says, "I love my kids, but have to say that before I had them I felt more confident, had a job I enjoyed and loved going out. I used to get all dressed up and felt sexy."

These days she stays at home to look after her son and daughter, and rarely has a night out with her partner. Marcia says that eight years on, she doesn't feel sexy any more.

Motherhood should be sexy

Mother's Day can bring these issues to the fore. Being sexy and being a mother don't necessarily go together, unless you look at images of the radiant Jerry Hall or Kate Winslet, with her new figure and new man. But why shouldn't mothers be sexy? And, more importantly, why aren't we?

Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of Positive Parenting and a leading UK family expert, knows only too well how motherhood can change your self-image. She has two children of her own as well as a gaggle of stepchildren.

"After having children you can start to lose your confidence," she says. "You don't always value yourself like you did before, and so you don't take trouble with your appearance. You tend to think, 'Why wear nice clothes when they're just going to end up with things spilt all over them all the time?', so you don't bother."

Gradually the smart dresses, suits and sexy tops are put to the back of the wardrobe. And even if you are going out to work, the relief at putting on those leggings at the end of the day is immense.

Making time for the woman in you

The push and pull of motherhood, with or without combining it with another full-time job, means there is precious little time left for the self. "It can be quite difficult to organize time for yourself," Elizabeth says. "The recommended two hours a week can be difficult to find. But I have to say it is really worth it when you do because you rediscover your old self, something which many mums lose sight of."

So, how did you spend all those hours before having children? It's a common thought, leaving many mothers mystified as to how they filled all that time. And when a precious window of free time does come up once you're a mother, you've forgotten what to do with it.

"Plan ahead for those times," Elizabeth advises, "If your mum comes over to look after your son for a bit, know in advance how you'd like to spend the time."

This may be a trip to the shops for a new outfit, a make-over, a swim or just a walk. And yes, you can look sexy again, even if you don't initially want to. Elizabeth points out, "The trouble is, some mums don't want to look sexy because they know they will be too tired once their partners take it for a green light.

"The pressure on women to be sexy these days is enormous. It is important to keep your relationship going, and not talk about the kids when you go out, for example, because you have to rediscover yourself too."

Being sexy again is only part of rediscovering your self esteem. As Elizabeth says, parenting is an opening up experience, not a reason to close down.

Try the following pointers to achieve a happier you:

• Look after yourself, and remember what your self means
• Develop time out for treats
• Remember things you used to enjoy, then rediscover them
• Encourage your partner to respond to you as a woman, not a rundown mother
• Gently rediscover sex in the months after having a baby - it takes time
• Don't equate sexiness with short skirts or boob tubes - it's a feeling, not an accessory

• Keep the romance alive with our Lessons in love
• Chat to some other new parents in the discussion forum