Life with Alex:

Growing apart

Alex at 7 months

• Baby/breadwinning balancing act
• Baby boom
• Bouncing, bonny baby
• Baby blues

I'm feeling very torn at the moment. As much as I love my work, I'm starting to understand why so many women suddenly want to give up their jobs once they've had a baby.

Although we've been very stretched financially since Alex was born, the beauty of the IT market having collapsed has been that I've had plenty of time to spend with my daughter. Nicholas has been out doing casual work for friends, and I've actually found that I've enjoyed being a 'stay-at-home mum'. But today, as I write this, it is Nicholas that has taken Alex to Baby Club. The house is quiet, the dog is slumbering peacefully at my feet, a warm early spring sun is shining through the window, and I'm finding myself wishing I didn't have to work after all.

I know so many women now who are the main breadwinner in their homes, while their husbands look after the children. It's always seemed the logical option for us too, at least until Nicholas has the dance studio up and running. But now that new work has come in, I'm experiencing mixed feelings, including slight pangs of guilt at not being the one to run upstairs when Alex wakes from her naps, the one to give her fruit and milk at 4pm, or the one taking her for outings to Super U or for walks down the lane every afternoon.

I'm glad my mind is being stimulated, I feel more in touch with everyone when I'm on email, and above all I am glad that there is a decent chunk of money coming in after several months of wondering whether we'd be able to continue paying the mortgage or heating the house. But I'm sad at not being a full-time Mum any more.

'Why don't you get a childminder?' asked a friend recently, as Nicholas and I tried to balance our work with home life and each other's work needs. 'Because we can't afford it, but more importantly because that's not why we came here,' I replied, trying to explain that we'd never really intended to go back to being a two-income family because we want to raise our kids ourselves.

At the moment Alex is going through a wonderful stage of development. Every day we notice changes in her. Her hair is finally starting to come through, which we notice when we bath her; she sucks her toes whenever she's having her nappy changed; she reaches up to us when we walk past her playpen; she listens in awe as we read her bedtime stories; and she gets genuinely excited when she sees new things, or when the animals are close by.

She will be seven months old on March 7th, and is already 20lbs and growing fast (she's now in 9-12 month clothes, and beyond). Born big, she seems to be thriving and racing through the various stages of baby development, and continues to seem some way ahead of many other babies of the same age. Dr Gilles continues to be impressed with her progress and seems to have a soft spot for her too. At the last monthly appointment she scooped Alex out of my arms before I was through the door, and kept cooing at her and cuddling her throughout our appointment, remarking all the time how pretty she was, how alert, how strong and how advanced. I am very proud, though of course none of this is my doing; we're just lucky to have such a happy, healthy little girl.

There is such strength in her legs, and such a curiosity about her, that I swear she will be walking soon. She jumps vigorously and excitedly in her door bouncer, and whizzes about like a demon in her wheelie walker frame. Since she's progressed into this we've had to start planning ahead for when she's toddling - our living room is no place for a small child on the move; it's fraught with hazards. They weren't kidding in the books when they said 'they grow up fast so make every second count'. Blink and she'll be a teenager.

'Make sure they laugh for at least 10 minutes a day,' we were recently told by a paediatric nurse. No worries there - Alex laughs for most of the day, especially when she's on the move in her bouncer or walker, or having raspberries blown into the folds of her neck. She chuckles like a young child, not a baby, and it makes Nicholas and I beam with pleasure. I love being a family.

We've given up worrying about Alex having a feed in the middle of the night now. She clearly needs one, so we give her a bottle at about 2am and she is happy. If we don't, she wakes throughout the night and none of us gets any sleep. It's not worth the battle. During the day, Alex has fallen into more of a predictable routine - at last. She has three main meals, plus an afternoon snack, and she loves her food. She eats hungrily and appreciatively, whatever you put in front of her.

We cheat with jars of pre-prepared food from the supermarket, not just from laziness, but because it gives us confidence that she is getting the balance of nutrients she needs. The jars now contain meat. Although I'm vegetarian myself, I'm not going to impose my choices onto Alex. I only draw the line at veal (I was appalled to find veal in some of the mixed jars of baby food in Super U). She has cereal in her breakfast milk, vegetables and meat at lunchtime, fruit in the afternoon, and more vegetables and meat in the early evening. She may or may not have a bath, and then she's in bed by 8pm, sometimes earlier. This is wonderful as we now have our evenings back!

I will miss her this afternoon, though, wishing it was me rolling about on the play-mats among the mayhem created by excited children and startled babies. I won't get to see Alex's responses to the other infants, or the new toys she'll have access to.

But I do know I'm very lucky to have this life we've chosen. I might not get to be with Alex for every waking moment any more, but I do get to share her childcare with Nicholas throughout the day, and we always sit down to lunch as a family. How many other young families have the luxury of being together all day, albeit that I now have to spend several hours in the office?

It's probably healthier for Alex too, that I have a reason to be apart from her for some of the time. According to Penelope Leach, Alex is nearing the stage where she will get anxious if she is parted from her primary carer for even a few minutes, so it's best that Nicholas increases his daytime contact with her now. And, for me, I don't want to become the neurotic, controlling mother depicted by Helen Baxendale in the new series of Cold Feet.

But then, thinking about it, I have just spent half the day packing and repacking Alex's travel bag and getting her ready for Baby Club. Which, sadly, is not my job any more…

It's going to be hard letting go.

Sue Tabbitt, 33, is a freelance IT journalist, who moved to the outskirts of Normandy more than 12 months ago to start a new chapter in her life with her Canadian husband, Nicholas, a ballroom dancing teacher.

Tune in next month to find out how Sue, Nicholas and baby Alex are getting on in Normandy ...

Thanks to Kodak for the digital camera lent to Sue and Nicholas for the duration of this diary column.

Where to next?

• More from Sue's Life with Alex diary
• Read Sue's pregnancy diary
• Create your own pregnancy diary
• Pregnant? Talk with other mums-to-be on our discussion forum
• Find out more about your pregnancy, use your personalised planner on babyworld
• If you're working in pregnancy, read about your maternity rights

Shop@babyworld