 It's
not fairrrrrr!
If you have more than one child, you'll be depressingly used to this
phrase. Sibling rivalry is a fact of life, but can you calm it down?
From one to two
Recently, I took part in a Radio 4 Woman's Hour discussion on the transition
from one to two children. My fellow guest was Dr Miriam Stoppard, who
suggested a good age gap between each child was about two and half years.
'That way', she said, 'the first child would have clear focused parental
attention, and be old enough to be reasoned with'. At this point Jenni
Murray said: 'Er Jane, the gap between your children is a bit bigger isn't
it?' Ten years actually, between my son Ben, now twelve, and my daughter
Lara who's two. Not planned, but the outcome of severe post-natal depression
after Ben, and later, several miscarriages. And even if I had planned
it as a pathetic attempt to beat sibling rivalry, it hasn't worked. They
still fight. There's no avoiding sibling rivalry. But it is possible to
tone it down?
How do you prepare for a new baby?
When I told 10 year old Ben that I was pregnant with his baby sister,
he said: 'Oh good. A sister won't mess up my things as much'. Ha! He then
glared at me. 'When did you two have sex?'. But for those parents who
don't cop out with such a big age gap, Rebecca Abrams, author of Three
Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush, a handbook on having a second child,
argues that it's vital to involve your older child in the pregnancy. 'It
also helps to get your older child used to being looked after by other
adults. Bath times and bedtimes in particular are very stressful in the
first few weeks if you're the one that both children want, so if some
of the daily routines can be handed over in advance, your elder child
won't feel so excluded and resentful once the innocent usurper arrives
on the scene'.
A sensitive introduction, plus present from the baby can help too. Not
like my granny who saw me, aged five, glaring at my mum holding my newborn
sister and said: 'Look at that face! Like a bulldog licking wee off a
nettle!' And when I asked to hold my sister, she yelped: 'Give the baby
to that ham fisted thing? She'll drop her!' I might, but we were all sitting
on a large bed and my sister would have come to no harm. Such was the
strength of that memory, when I brought Lara home from hospital, I let
Ben hold her immediately.
Mind the gap
Research shows that siblings under the age of five average four conflicts
an hour. That means, every day you'll be dealing with . . . noooo don't
even go there. My friend, Chloe's children are eighteen months apart and
she says that one of the upsides of having a small age gap is they do
play together. 'Sometimes for whole minutes at a time. Then, BAM, they're
like fighting ferrets in a sack!' But when the age gap is larger, fighting
tails into squabbling, teasing or in my case, bed wetting. I was five
years older than my sister and did the classic regression thing. Poor
mum had to get this medieval anti bed wetting contraption which consisted
of a rubber sheet attached to an alarm. Unfortunately the alarm sounded
more like a nuclear attack and woke up not only me, but most of the street.
Knowing that mad old Mr Polton, our next door neighbour was gossiping
about my 'dodgy bladder' didn't help my relationship with my sister, even
though it was hardly her fault.
With my two, I was lucky enough to bypass the miserable jealousy of a
toddler usurped by a baby, but I've been guilty of presuming the innocence
of my much younger child. Although she's only two, Lara is far more fierce
than her older, laid back brother. But because she can't actually fight
him, she excels in Shock and Awe. Standing deliberately in front of the
television is a favorite game. So is Getting Her Brother Into Trouble.
Hearing the familiar sounds of 0 - 100 sibling shouts, I half-heartedly
shout 'Ben leave her alone!' to which he retorts with the classic sibling
defence: 'I'm not DOING anything!' Until to my shame, when I actually
saw Ben gently admonishing her for pulling the cat's tail. Lara promptly
let out such a prolonged, earsplitting shriek; I'm amazed the windows
didn't crack. It's her way of redressing what she sees as the power balance.
Except that I'm on to her now. But as Rebecca Abrams says, 'the relationship
between siblings isn't static and as they grow, so does the relationship
between them'. Hopefully for the better.
When squabbling becomes bullying
By squabbling children are learning to deal with the darker emotions
like jealousy, aggression and competition But some parents downplay or
even ignore the viciousness of sibling fights. Most of us know at least
one adult, deeply scarred from sibling bullying. So what can you do to
help? Rebecca Abrams offers some tips:
Helping children to handle conflict
- Conflict is a product of strong feelings and children need help dealing
with those feelings and not just the conflict. If we stop children fighting
without finding out why they're fighting, we won't make much progress
and neither will they.
- Be consistent, calm and firm about violence and aggression. Have a
'no hitting' rule and that includes parents.
- Suggest alternative targets for violent feelings, cushions, drawings,
football · Acknowledge and accept that your children will have negative
feelings towards each other. Telling a child to stop being angry with
a sibling who has just wrecked his game is pointless. Telling him, simply,
you can see how angry he is often defuses the situation with greater
speed.
Sorted! Now you only have another three fights in the next hour to deal
with.
From siblings to friends. Or possibly not
Sibling rivalry can continue for a lifetime. In the original preface
of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights, her sister Charlotte rather unsupportively
described the characters as 'unintelligible' and 'repulsive'. Charming!
Charlotte might have been too ladylike to start a punch up in the Howarth
parlour but she wasn't above giving her sister's literary reputation a
good kicking. Or maybe childhood rivalry grows ever more complex when
siblings go into the same profession. My sister and I had little in common
as children. She was independent and carefree, while I was speccy and
anxious. But as adults, we celebrate our differences and have become much
closer. And so far, despite Lara's twenty decibel shrieking at Ben, he
has displayed remarkable powers of brotherly forgiveness. On Saturday
morning, he will trot into her room calling 'Don't worry mum, I'll amuse
her.' Then, from upstairs, gratefully sipping tea, I can hear her howling
with laughter as he plays her favorite game of Beat Myself Up. It's a
bit worrying really. He pretends to whack himself round the head and falls
over groaning while Lara claps her hands like a capricious princess. This
doesn't bode well for her future boyfriends, but if it keeps the sibling
peace, I'm happy.
by Jane Purcell
Where to next
- Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush; Everything you need to know
about having your second child, by Rebecca Abrams, published by Cassell
& Co. £9.99
- Expert
advice on sibling rivalry
- Have you got sibling issues? Share your thoughts and ask for advice
from other parents on our Sibling
Issues forum
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