Common potty and toilet training problems

Potty training doesn't always go smoothly. We take a look at some of the most common potty training problems (highlighted by many babyworld members!) and see how the experts advise you deal with them.

• One poo on the loo was too much
• He'll only poo in his pants
• Potty peer pressure
• Bed-wetting at five years old
• Three and still won't train
• Should my son stand to wee?
• Accidents will happen
• Potty training when travelling
• How do I deal with a splashing phobia?
• Sibling rivalry

Q: "My daughter is 2yrs and 3mths, and so far has managed one poo in the potty but now won't go any where near it or the toilet. She gets really distressed when she is going in her nappy but when you suggest she goes on the potty or the toilet she goes mad! She has been taking the 'not ready' approach so I keep changing her nappy but the problem is that I'm due with twins mid-August and had hoped to have it sussed by then! I've tried bribery of all shapes and forms (i.e jelly beans, choc buttons etc) but seems to be as stubborn as me."

A: Sudden refusal to use the potty, or 'balking' as Dr Spock calls it, is common amongst children who have willingly used a potty early in the second year - they just suddenly change their pattern. Spock thinks the origins of the problem could do with a feeling of independence and that potty training "… may seem too much like the parents' scheme". Spock warns that if pressure is put upon the child they may resort to holding back movements for the entire day if they can manage it, a form of 'psychological' constipation.

He offers words of reassurance though, especially for children in this age range. "Balking is more apt to occur in the first half of the second year than in the second half. This is a signal for you to wait at least until about the middle of the year to start training, and to feel that it is he who has decided to control his bowel and bladder."

Q: "My little man has just turned 4 and has been an excellent child to potty train - not one wet bed! But recently he has started pooing in his pants both at school and at home. I have tried not shouting but it is getting to a stage where both me and his dad despair. We started a reward chart in the bathroom - one sticker per poo on the loo and if he gets three in a week he can choose something nice. That was great for six weeks then he started pooing again! Does anyone have any advice as I'm lost."

A: American paediatrician and childcare expert Dr Benjamin Spock highlights this as a particular problem with many children, especially boys. "Many … boys, when they train themselves for urine, stop giving up their bowel movements (BM) on the potty. They apparently can't give in to all of their parents' requests at once." Pressurising them at this point can make matters worse, warns Spock, which may lead to your son holding in his poo, making it painful to pass - an added problem! What should you do instead then? Spock recommends taking a very relaxed approach until your son has regained his confidence and interest in doing poos on the potty. "Tell the child he can wait to do his BM until he has his nappy on."

Many preschools do not take children who are potty trained or at least express a displeasure at doing so. Dr T Brazelton, author of Toilet Training the Brazelton Way and Clinical Professor of Paediatrics Emeritus at Harvard Medical School, thinks the pressure this puts on panicking parents and vulnerable children is wrong. "Parents will then begin to rush their child. He may accept the pressure to be clean and dry for his parents' sake or he may resist," he warns. If your child doesn't manage to get the hang of potty training he may then start to feel a failure in this area, which then sets off a series of problems which can further be exacerbated by the conflicting way in which his parents and his school carers respond to him, eg encouragingly with the former and impatiently with the latter.

Brazelton suggests trying to adopt a team approach with your child's school to see if you can compromise in the situation, for everyone's benefit. "…discuss with your child's teacher you decision to let your child set the pace of toilet training. Listen to his or her objections and concerns first, and then share your own. Be sure you are both in agreement." If your chosen school will not accept children in nappies, he advises you try to find an alternative venue in the interim, where this will not be a problem. If your child is nearly there with potty training but has the occasional accident, make sure that you are happy about the way in which his teacher will deal with any mishaps. If he gets teased by other preschoolers about not being dry, Brazelton recommends a relaxed response which reassures him that they also went through these times and that he is the boss of his own toilet training. "Your respect and gentle encouragement may help him make his own efforts - and they will be his."

Q: "We're still waiting, at five years of age, for my son to be able to go through the night dry. He's been dry while awake since he was 2 years and 4 months old, and in pull-ups since he was three, but he still has wet pull-ups most mornings. His dad and uncle (my brother) were both late wetters so the poor chap hasn't much hope. He's keen to 'try pants' but we both know it's 50:50 whether that mean wet sheets by 3am. I'm dreading the first sleepover invite. He's so grown up about it, and we don't make a fuss about it but it looks like he's aware that majority of 5-year-olds don't need a nappy at night."

A: Genetics can play a part in bedwetting. In Toddler Taming, Dr Christopher Green says that: "Delay in bladder training at night seems to have an extremely strong genetic relationship. Some studies show almost 70% of bed-wetters have a parent or a sibling with a similar problem." It also seems to affect boys more than girls.

This is not to say that you will never have a night without a nappy! According to Dr Spock, only two or three per cent of children still wet their beds at 12 years of age. Spock says that, as long as your child is growing well physically and psychologically without any other symptoms, gaining night-time bladder control is a gradual thing. What is important is how you are about it. "Since avoiding or lessening shame and self-doubt is important … both mother and father should look for opportunities to build lasting self-esteem in the child…[and] maintain an interest in their child's attempts to remain dry, expressing pleasure when success occurs and encouragement when he fails." And while you're waiting for this day to come, be reassured by Dr Green's point in this matter: "… be reassured that, although other parents are not openly declaring the fact, two other children in their child's class will also be regular bed-wetters."

Q: "My son was 3 in January and I have been trying to potty train him for the past few months with no success. I have been putting him on the potty about every 15 minutes and he does wee when I put him there. He knows that wees and poos go in there but unless I prompt him he doesn't seem to associate that he needs to do a wee in the potty. He doesn't seem to care about being wet or poos in his pants and just carries on regardless of his discomfort. My health visitor said to leave him in pants and he will associate wetness with discomfort and want to be trained but he sat there quite happy in a puddle this morning! Do you think I have a problem or is this a normal thing with some boys?"

A: Dr Christopher Green says that one of the most common requests of help he gets each year is from parents of children aged 2.5-3.5 years old who refuse to use the potty.

Great … but what on earth can be done? Green admits it is a tricky situation but not one without remedy. The key point, as it seems with all potty training troubles, is to try to relax and back away from the problem. "At this point both toddler and parent have dug in for a siege and while in that position nether they nor their bowels are likely to move," he wisely summarises. Instead, Dr Green advises you to temporarily stop all attempts at training and, only once calm has been re-established, start from the beginning, by letting your child become comfortable at sitting on the potty. Once a relaxed sitting habit has been established, remain calm and wait for the big day to come. If your toddler is being really resistant to even sitting on the potty, Green recommends a little distraction technique. "This starts with the potty in front of the television, the child seated with trainer pants in place. From here there is a gradual move to no pants, no television and no nonsense."

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