Getting through the breastfeeding bottleneck

The breast or bottle debate seems fixated on the milk itself, rather than the whole feeding operation says Roni Jay, mother of three and author of Babies for beginners.

Are you a breast or a bottle person? Most people start off in one camp or another. Some mothers are slightly revolted by the whole idea of breast-feeding, wondering why anyone should want to impersonate a cow for months at a time, while turning down any chance of letting someone else get up in the night to feed the baby. Others, however, seem more than happy to do the cow thing if it confirms their happy self-image as a rosy-cheeked earth mother.

The breast or bottle debate seems fixated on the milk itself, rather than the whole feeding operation. You can't deny that breast milk is better for your baby than formula (although formula is more than adequate), but we're not just talking about the milk. What about the comfort factor, the cow vs. earth mother attitude, the long hours spent feeding, whether dad wants to help feed his baby, and all the other factors? If you're not happy breast feeding, the quality of the milk is only one part of the equation. Better for the baby to be bottle fed by a happy mother than breast fed by a miserable, stressed one.

But what happens when you want to breast feed but find, despite your earth mother tendencies, that it is a miserable, stressful experience? Do you stick it out, or do you abandon it? I found myself faced with just this dilemma with my first baby.

Jack was conceived as a result of IVF treatment. Since the conception was so unnatural, I had an overwhelming desire to make everything else as natural as possible. I was very keen to breast feed. When he was born, weighing just short of 10lb, the midwives warned me that I'd spend most of my time feeding him. They weren't kidding. I wore him like some strange fashion accessory, permanently attached wherever I went, typically for 16 hours a day or more.

By the time he was three days old, I was suffering sore, cracked and bleeding nipples. The midwives assured me he was latched on correctly; it was just that I had sensitive skin and my nipples only ever got a rest when he switched sides. There was nothing I could do, they told me. So I persevered in agony, sobbing silently in pain whenever he latched on to feed, and taking him off the breast as soon as the milk ran out. I now know this was a big mistake as my breasts weren't being stimulated to produce more milk, but I was ignorant of the mechanics of milk production at the time.

After three weeks, the sore nipples had finally healed but my milk was still running out by about 3 in the morning (while Jack was still barely tucking into his main course). My health visitor advised me to top him up with a bottle. I said I didn't want to compromise the breast feeding in any way; she promised me it would have no effect. So we started giving him formula milk after his breast feed. It certainly did the trick.

Jack was three months before I realised that my milk was drying up. I was devastated as I had stuck by the breast feeding through all the pain and the frustrations and I thought I'd won through. I didn't want to stop. Despite a huge amount of help and support from my GP I finally dried up completely when Jack was just six months.

When my second child was born, I swore I wouldn't let it happen again. I would let Ned keep sucking at the end of each feed no matter how painful it was. As a result, after three days I was dripping blood from my nipples every time he latched on. Until my fairy godmother appeared in the guise of a new midwife, who explained how to use nipple shields. They worked like magic, and the pain disappeared instantly. As a result, I fed Ned happily until he weaned himself at 10 months. Why had I not been told about nipple shields last time, I asked? Apparently most midwives don't let on because they disapprove of them. Evidently we mothers aren't fit to make our own decisions.

Equipped with this new knowledge, I had a delightful, pain-free and effortless time breast feeding my third son, even though Hal was heavier and hungrier than either of the other two. But it shouldn't have taken three children to reach this state of breast feeding nirvana.

The moral is that if you want to breast feed, it's worth persevering. The midwives mean to be on your side, but they don't always tell you everything. So keep asking for help and advice until you get what you need. It's perfectly possible for breast feeding to be a happy experience from the start, just so long as you start out as an earth mother and not the cow impersonator type.

"A wonderfully refreshing book that doesn't preach but tells you what to expect from parenthood without scaring the pants off you! Roni Jay mixes a hands-on practical approach to parenting with nappy loads of humour. She shares her parenting journey and discoveries and makes you feel it's OK to be a good-enough mother not a perfect one." babyworld.co.uk

Where to next?

• Find out more about how to breastfeed in our breastfeeding section
• Having trouble breastfeeding? Use our problem solver
• Frequently asked questions about breastfeeding - see our experts' answers
• Discuss breastfeeding with other mums on our Feeding discussion board
• Unable or don't want to breastfeed? Check out our section on bottlefeeding
• National Breastfeeding Week information and features page
• See the babyworld features library