One mum's breastfeeding experience

• Getting through the breastfeeding bottleneck - Roni wonders why the breast or bottle debate seems fixated on the milk itself, rather than the whole feeding operation
• Backing the bottle - Sam's experience of trying to breastfeed
  

Backing the bottle- Sam's experience of trying to breastfeed

While pregnant, the one thing that worried me more than any other was how I was going to feed my baby. All the NHS information and childcare books extolled the virtues of breastfeeding and, while I recognised its importance, I just didn't like the idea of it. However, because of all the pressure to breastfeed, I decided to give it a go. After all, it wasn't fair for my baby to miss out just because I had some weird feeling about it.

Fear of feeding

In the delivery room, I remember my fear when the midwife said it was time to try a feed. She tried to show me how to do it but Holly was having none of it. She screamed, pulled away and resisted. The same routine went on for 10 minutes and even the midwife was baffled as to why my daughter just wouldn't co-operate.

The first 24 hours were a nightmare. I kept trying to feed Holly but the same problem always occurred. Every time I rang the buzzer, a new midwife would come in and hold Holly's head firmly in place, despite her writhing to get away. After three nights of no sleep, and two cracked nipples, I was at my wits end, wishing I had never attempted to do this.

At that point a midwife, who I still regard as my saviour, came in. She took one look at me and said, 'You don't really want to breastfeed do you?'. She reassured me that it wasn't the end of the world. When I told her I was anxious about my daughter losing out on the health benefits, she suggested an alternative method which provided an excellent compromise.

One pint or two?

I started a regime of expressing milk. During the colostrum days, my husband would help me syringe the milk as needed. I must admit it was a pretty bizarre way of doing things but it did the trick. When my milk finally came in (and my chest resembled Stonehenge), I started expressing with a breast pump every three-to-four hours, while my husband fed our daughter with the last lot. We did this 24 hours a day. I won't say it wasn't hard - in effect it was twice the amount of work. I was also worried that I would get repetitive strain injury from the constant action of moving the pump!

The expressing went well for four weeks, until my milk production started to decrease. I had been warned that expressing wasn't enough to keep a good flow going. We started supplementing with formula and, eventually, had to go completely on to it. But I had given Holly the best I could and was glad I'd made the effort.

Family participation

I still had the guilt that I wasn't breastfeeding, though. At the new mother groups I attended, it was assumed we were all breastfeeding. I was too ashamed to admit I wasn't. Everyone seemed to be having great success with breastfeeding and shared tips and anecdotes. I sat there thinking I was a failure because I hadn't had the perseverance or mentality to keep at it. The stories of women being frowned upon for breastfeeding in public were, in my opinion, unfounded. Instead, I had spotted a few raised eyebrows at my postnatal toning class when I pulled out Holly's bottle, while everyone else breastfed.

At home I was more relaxed. People talk about the benefits of breastfeeding in helping mother and baby bond. However, I found that, because I was feeding Holly in a way I found comfortable, I could relax and enjoy these times with her as much as any breastfeeding mother could. It also had the advantage of allowing my husband time to get close to her, which he loved. The cats even got involved - Sox would come and put his paws in my lap and nudge little Holly as she fed!

Passing paranoia

In time, my paranoia about people's reactions to bottlefeeding, and my own guilt about choosing not to breastfeed, waned. Now I look back and wonder why I got so worked up. After all it was my choice and no one else's business. Don't get me wrong. I don't dispute the benefits of breast milk - of course it is best for a baby's health, but if it is causing emotional anguish to the mother how can it be a good thing? Motherhood is so full of opportunities for guilt, why add to them? Whatever choice a woman makes - whether breast or bottle - it's her decision - made in everyone's best interests.

Where to next?

• Find out more about how to breastfeed in our breastfeeding section
• Having trouble breastfeeding? Use our problem solver
• Frequently asked questions about breastfeeding - see our experts' answers
• Discuss breastfeeding with other mums on our Feeding discussion board
• Unable or don't want to breastfeed? Check out our section on bottlefeeding
• See the babyworld features library