To smack or not to smack

• Why do parents smack
• How to use smacking correctly
• Other useful techniques
• Unhelpful techniques
• Do-able deterrents
• Do you smack? We asked babyworld members

Bring up the subject of smacking and you will always hear very different and opposing views, as last week's babyworld poll, on whether smacking was emotionally damaging, revealed. Two thirds of members said that a small smack would not cause long-lasting damage to a child, while nearly a third thought that any form of hitting teaches children that violence is acceptable. From various posts on the forums, it seems though that most people sit somewhere in the middle, believing that, under the right circumstances, a smack can be the only form of resolution available.

According to child specialist, Dr Christopher Green, in his much-read book Toddler Taming, parents smack their children when they have been pushed to their limit. A trivial matter usually sets off the anger and, while this can release the parent's tension at the time, it can be inappropriate and badly timed. The problem is reinforced a couple of minutes later when the parent, feeling guilty for their actions, sweeps the child up in their arms and apologises. This sends conflicting messages to the child and cannot be an effective method of discipline. 'A quick smack may diffuse a situation and regain control, but unless we follow it through properly it is all to easy to blow it,' warns Green.

Dr Christopher Green believes that 'smacking has its main usefulness in the younger child'. At this age, words are less effective than some decisive action. You can debate all day with a defiant two-year-old … but the chances are that words may miss the mark, while a gentle gesture of a smack may land centre bulls-eye, right on the target.' What are the pros, then, of smacking? Green says:

• A smack, used appropriately, will set limits and let the child know who is in charge.
• Used at the right time, a smack can stop the escalation of tension and bad behaviour.
• When a parent's authority is being tested, and all else has failed, a smack can bring a resolution to a situation in minutes, rather than hours.
• Smacking can act as a good deterrent to danger, especially in life-threatening situations. It tells your child that their actions shouldn't be repeated.

In babyworld's opinion smacking should never be the first form of discipline you turn to when things go wrong. There are other methods that can bring more beneficial results to everyone involved.

Don't jump down your child's throat every time they commit a minor misdemeanour. A home where 'No!' 'Don't!' and 'Stop it!' are the most common words becomes a place of tension and negativity. Promote good behaviour by encouraging your child when they are doing something constructive - a gentle pat, or loving words will do the trick. Ignore behaviour you don't want to see repeated - without an audience, your little actor will soon give up the performance!

Most parents have heard of time out. It involves physically and emotionally removing a child from a worsening situation to give them and the parent time to cool off. It's most effective used in two-to-ten-year-olds but it can be helpful with younger ones when you're on the verge of smacking them.

For time out to work, there are a couple of essential rules to follow. The room used should be boring and lacking in stimulation, if possible, although often the only room suitable for this is the child's bedroom, free, as it is, from any potential dangers. When instigating time out, be firm but gentle and do not show any doubt in what you are doing. Tell your child calmly that this is where they will stay until they have calmed down, then shut the door and move away quickly. Don't stand outside worrying - they will know you are doing this and act up even more! Equally, don't lock your child in as this will terrify them.

When dealing with a naughty child there are some things that really don't work.

• Shouting It's inevitable that we will end up shouting at our children at some point, when our patience has been tested to the limit. It's unavoidable but it doesn't really help the situation. Toddlers become more and more wound up by noise, activity and tension so try to keep the environment as calm as possible.
• Empty threats Again, these are common with parents but are ineffective and useless. Children should and need to know their boundaries, and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. They should also be aware of the consequences of their actions and, to do and know all this, they need to believe that you will do as you say.
• Delayed punishments Most young children only have an immediate sense of time so discipline and rewards must happen as near to an event as possible. A punishment that happens hours afterwards (e.g. 'Wait till your father gets home!') will only confuse and scare them as they won't understand what's happening.

Why wait for a situation to get out of hand? Try these useful deterrents.

• Diversion If it looks like a bad situation could be escalating, diversion can be an excellent tool, especially with younger children. The idea is to quickly grab their attention before any bad behaviour gets a hold. However, timing is absolutely key in this - leave it too late and it won't work. Some parents condemn diversion, saying that it is sneaky and deceptive, but it has been shown to be very effective.
• Tone of voice Use your most powerful weapon to put across your message - your voice. Tone and expression can tell a child exactly how you are feeling. A warm smile, encouraging words, can make a child feel proud and encouraged when they are behaving well. A firmer tone will let them know when they need to tow the line. By using your voice in this way, you sometimes can avoid situations where a smack seems the only solution.
• Know the triggers This is perhaps the most fool-proof way of avoiding unwanted behaviour. If you know that your child gets grumpy just before bedtime, don't take them food shopping. By learning to recognise situations where bad behaviour is likely to happen you can avoid the start of a toddler war!

'Personally, I believe that smacking as a controlled form of discipline is fine, if that's what you want to do. Smacking as an angry, loss-of-control knee-jerk reaction is wrong, and it's a form of bullying.

'I've brought up my daughter, who is now 3 and thankfully very good, without using smacking as a routine form of discipline. But as a younger toddler she was really difficult and a few times, after I'd spent all day with her, I lashed out and smacked her in anger when she was particularly naughty (hitting or kicking me, repeatedly disobeying me and breaking things, etc). I instantly regretted it each time as it wasn't really discipline - it was pure anger. Thankfully I've learned from this, and I now use 'exclusion' as a punishment - send her out of the room in disgrace. Or if she's been really bad I use withdrawal of privileges - in her case, toys and videos!

'I think the smacking debate revolves around the issue of control. A lot of people who are against smacking are thinking of it as a 'caning' type punishment where the adult uses their strength as a lever against an unruly child, and in those kind of circumstances the adult has usually lost his/her temper. This IS wrong. But a lot of people who use smacking as a punishment are perfectly in control and use it only as a last resort, gentle smack on the hand, and are not doing it just because they've lost their temper.'

'I agree that the whole issue is really about control. Losing control and lashing out at your child when you are angry does not teach them anything - nor does it make you feel better.

'My partner and I agreed that we would not smack our children, but I have had to resort to this (smack on the wrist) with our eldest, purely and simply because when he is out in the double pushchair with his baby sister he can be quite aggressive towards her. I do warn him a couple of times but if he doesn't listen I have had to smack him. There is not a lot you can effectively do if the children are in a pushchair. I know it is down to sibling jealousy and difficult for him to control, but banging his sister's head against the side of the pushchair or whacking her on the head is definitely not acceptable behaviour irrespective of the reason for it.

'At home I put him in his room for a couple of minutes (not that he stays there!) to cool off. The only time I have to discipline him is when he is being violent towards his sister - the rest of the time he is well-behaved. He is 3 in November and she is 10 months.

'I also did the same with my eldest (now 21) - I didn't need to resort to smacking him as he was pretty well-behaved but he did know when he had overstepped the mark. He also didn't suffer from sibling jealousy as he was 18 when my second arrived on the scene!!

Smacking should only be used as a last resort, under control, and never as the ultimate solution.

'I do agree with smacking, but only when I feel it will work as a shock to stop dangerous behaviour, i.e. if a toddler is reaching for something dangerous, about to stick something into an uncovered socket etc.

'I think if it's used rarely smacking can be effective; if overused it will just make the child more likely to avoid getting caught rather than behave better.

'I learnt by experience with my kids. My eldest is 12 and I probably smacked her more at first as it was the most used punishment when I was a child. I found that it didn't work that well but if it wasn't used much it was effective.

'The most effective technique I have found with my daughters, aged 10 and 12, is taking things away, or stopping privileges. If they both misbehave I start removing treats from their bedroom, and tell them there and then how long they will be away for. I found this sort of thing difficult to stick with at first, but if you threaten any punishment but don't carry it out it just won't work.

'As they have got older they seem to behave much better, not sure if that's down to me or if it's just them growing up!

Carla

NB babyworld.co.uk likes to express a wide range of opinions from users and experts. However, the opinions expressed in this article should not be construed as those of babyworld.

Where to next?

• Are your kids driving you up the wall? Share your woes in our Toddler Troubles forum!
• babyworld talks to The Parent Coaching Company about discipline dilemmas
• Want to discuss how your baby compares to others? Talk to other parents in the Development and Behaviour forum