On the couch

Coping with tantrums - at home and away

Toddler troubles getting you down? In the first of a series of the most common and frustrating behaviour traits, Sharon Charlton-Thomson, of the Parent Coaching Company, and babyworld mums share their expertise in how to keep your cool when your toddler is in a stew!

• The Problem: coping with tantrums - home and away
• Expert advice
• Top 10 coping tips
• Mum to mum - babyworlder's give their advice

The Problem: coping with tantrums - home and away

'I'm having a bad time of it with my son. He's a very bright child but since the birth of his sister he really tries my patience. Every time we go shopping he plays up. He runs off because he knows I can't chase him. We don't have a car so my daughter is in the pushchair, and my son usually holds onto the side. Until recently, he'd come back if I tried walking off in the opposite direction but now he's pushing it as far as he can.

'We usually go out for milk and bread daily and he's like this every day. It's got to the stage I'm worried they will ban me from the only supermarket we have because of his behaviour. No one wants to hear me screaming his name at the top of my voice while I look for him.

'I'm at my wits end. When I do find him he throws himself on the floor and refuses to get up screaming and thrashing about. Today I'd had enough and ended up on the floor myself with tears streaming down my face. I really can't cope with this behaviour but don't know what to do? Any advice anyone? I feel I'm going to crack up at this rate.'

Expert advice

Sharon Charlton-Thomson, of the Parent Coaching Company, shares her thoughts on this month's problem.

Coping with toddler tantrums at home can be challenging enough but when your little angels throws a wobbly out of the home it can feel ten times worse. When toddlers throw themselves on the floor, flail around, and scream at top pitch - what can we do?

First of all it's important to understand that a toddler tantrum is a loss of control.

So often, we treat it as a situation that requires hard discipline and I'm afraid that nine times out of ten that simply won't work and becomes a battle of wills, often an embarrassing one if we are in the supermarket at the time. Also, be careful not to respond with a tantrum of your own, however hard it is. It's important that you keep your cool.

One of the most effective ways I have come across of dealing with the flailing toddler on the floor was reported back to me by one of my clients. She said she got on the floor with her son, at his level, and just held him until he ran out of steam. I couldn't believe it myself at first! But, as mad as it sounds, it can be very effective, particularly if you can be consistent in your approach. Over time, your toddler gets the message that mummy is there for them but won't reward the tantrum by giving it lots of attention or by disciplining it.

Toddlers often need to blow off steam and it's our job to help them do that safely: be there for them, let it blow, and experience the wonderful aftermath of an exhausted, red-faced toddler who needs a mummy hug. So remember, you are simply making sure they are safe.

If you are a family that enjoys using sticker charts/creating family rules, and if your child is old enough to understand, you can reinforce the behaviour you'd like to see more of with a 'no losing-it rule'. See my top ten tips for more on this.

It is also useful to take some time to try and understand any triggers for the tantrums. The most common is when kids feel pushed. Ask yourself if you are running from one job to the next. Slow down and operate on toddler time … if we are able to slow our pace our toddlers too become more serene. Step into your toddler's shoes and try to feel what it's like for them to have to 'come NOW'. Try to give reasonable choices as this can help to balance up the power between you and your toddler.

Remember that small children (in fact all children) hate to be misunderstood; frustration levels run high especially for toddlers when they know they want to communicate but often just can't manage to do it. If we can understand that this is happening it can help us to switch to understanding our kids. Understanding them may seem like a tall order, especially when you're in a busy supermarket with all eyes glaring at you, the mother, to keep your child quiet.

Top ten coping tips

Sharon Charlton-Thomson shares ten pearls of wisdom to help keep you safe and sane in, but hopefully soon out, of the tantrum zone!

1. Take a 'time out': When you feel your anger getting the better of you, take time out. You don't have to sit on the naughty step! Just withdraw in whichever way you can, be it leaving the room briefly, counting to ten, and making a cuppa so you can get back to 'cool calm parent'.
2. Acknowledge how you are feeling: To be able to take time out, you first need to spot that you're feeling really angry. This may sound obvious but we often don't recognise it until it's too late. Say to yourself, I am MAD, time for a time out, and then do it.
3. Acknowledge how your child is feeling: Resist the temptation to tell them to calm down etc, because that usually escalates the problem. Instead, try to soothe heated feelings by thinking about what you think your child is feeling. Toddlers are unable to articulate their own feelings and will need your help. Do this by articulating what you see. For example: 'You must be feeling really angry right now'. 'You must be feeling frustrated not to be able to do x'. If they are out of control simply restrain them safely and wait for them to calm down naturally.
4. 'I,' not 'You': Avoid using 'you' statements with your child and switch to 'I' statements. So, instead of 'you are so naughty' etc, try 'I get upset when we are not on time'. These are less hurtful and help to acknowledge how you are feeling AND help your child to articulate feelings.
5. Be a role model: Consider how you can be one for your child. Emotional intelligence tells us that expressing the right emotion in the appropriate way at the right time' is what we should be aiming for, so knowing that how do you want to role model it for your kids?
6. Resist cashing in your green shield stamps! You know the way we can do this. Our kids make us angry and we start reeling off not just that incident and what is wrong with it but every other time they have pressed our buttons and made us feel bad. We literally cash them all in. So stay in the present and stick to the issue in hand.
7. Put it in writing: If you are too angry to speak, don't. If your child is old enough to read, express your feelings in writing. Sometimes just the time required to find pen and paper will help you to cool off.
8. Make up: When you do lose it, reconnect with your child as soon as possible. Know that you can apologise and say sorry, for a younger child it may come with a cuddle, for an older child with an explanation of why you were angry along with an apology. By apologising it demonstrates respect for our kids and tells them that even grown-ups get it wrong.
9. Recognise what the problem is: Is it really your child's messy room? Or are you sleep-deprived? Feeling overwhelmed at work? Are you cross that your teen is invading your space? Mad at your husband or mother or boss? Be aware of when you are more vulnerable to anger and resist the urge to transfer negative feelings to your child. Instead, think 'What can I do about this?'.
10. Create a family rule: Have a 'no-losing it' rule to make kids and parents aware of the times they go ballistic. But do it with a light touch. For instance, make a chart and tack on a sticker when one of you has an outburst. If one family member is accumulating a lot of stickers, it's time to talk about it.

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