Keeping your coolChildren certainly know how to push our buttons but how can you keep a lid on your anger when you're ready to lose it? Sam Pope looks at what makes us annoyed and how we can keep our cool in the face of the most merciless toddler wind-ups!
It may sound utterly idiotic to ask what anger is - we all know, don't we? It's finally losing control of the temper that we have desperately tried to keep in check. It's frustration, rage against a person or persons who have wound us up despite our best intentions to remain calm, or an outcome that seems vastly unfair. In its simplest form, it is a completely normal and healthy human emotion. However, in our society, anger has very negative associations, so anyone who occasionally lets rip feels incredibly guilty about expressing what is often regarded as a negative emotion. It's not the emotion that is at fault but how we express it that counts. We tend to bottle it up for ages and then the slightest, most ridiculous incident or remark makes us erupt like a human volcano, as family therapist Robyn Skinner, in his book Families and How to Survive Them said: '[the anger has] been building up behind the screen for some time and suddenly bursts out. But because the cause is so petty, the eruption seems ridiculous so we're ashamed and embarrassed…' Children can often be the cause of the loss of control, and parent coach, writer and former headteacher Sue Atkins calls this the '"Parent Losing the Plot" moment' in her book Raising Happy Children for Dummies. Handled well, anger need not be destructive. However, most of us will have experienced moments of intense regret and embarrassment when we have exploded unexpectedly. With adults, the incident may at best be forgotten or at worst have caused a rift which may or may not be resolved. However, a child's emotional immaturity means they are particularly vulnerable to these outbursts. The occasional meltdown probably won't do much damage but Sue warns that if you are constantly losing your head, you're in danger of creating an atmosphere of fear in your house, which will ultimately have a negative impact on family life. Sue warns that, 'A loss of control may:
Ultimately, not being able to manager your temper may lead to your child copying your way of dealing (or not) with problems so it's important to get a grip sooner rather than later. Typical triggers Parenting is a tough job and it's hardly surprising that we all have hot-headed moments. Constantly tired and being a multi-skilled carer, entertainer, educator and nutritionist would have even the sanest person running for the hills in frustration, particularly after a long day. Add into the concoction an irritable child determined to wind you up and a raft of other domestic and/or occupational demands and the patience of a saint would be severely tested. Stress is a common cause of anger in everyone - not just parents - but mums and dads often have too much to think about and do than they have time for. This inevitably sends anxiety levels soaring. Children play a major part in setting our blood pressure rocketing, and the following are amongst the most common ways in which they can drive us nuts:
An important first step is recognising what your children do that makes your blood boil, so why not keep an 'anger diary'? Write down what made you angry, when it happened and why. Knowledge of this will at least make you aware of your potential reaction when the situation next arises and could help you to remain calmer. Secondly, Sue recommends examining how you keep discipline at home - are you consistent with the boundaries that you set your children? Children will naturally push against these but if you do not deal with them in the same way, you're making your job a lot more difficult. Thirdly, she asks you to think about how you express yourself - can your children understand what your rules are and what you're asking of them? Lastly, think about yourself. What would help you deal with your anger better? Perhaps you need to ask for more help around the house or you should tell your partner that for half an hour a day (longer if possible) you need time to yourself to relax and not be bothered. Relearning behaviour is difficult so don't beat yourself up if you struggle with this at first. Being angry does not make you a bad parent, and the fact that you are trying to do something about it is proof of this. Also, it's OK to let your children know that you're annoyed, as long as you use the 'I' statements, e.g.: 'I am annoyed because you keep shouting at me'. Children do need to know that their negative actions have consequences and can make people feel unhappy, but make it clear that it's the behaviour you don't like, not the child. And why not have a reward system for you in the same way as you might your child? Every time you handle a difficult situation differently, treat yourself to a relaxing bath, a favourite book or magazine or a glass of something you enjoy. Chalk up any failures to a bad day but do celebrate the good timed because there will soon be more of them on the way.
Where to next?
|
