Anger and your childIn the second part of our series on anger, babyworlder Michelle shares her coping strategies for helping an angry toddler calm down. Quest for knowledgeOnce I had a clearer understanding of how I responded to my daughter's tantrums, I felt better equipped and more confident looking into how to deal with them constructively. However, some of the more common methods used weren't really working for us at home. The now controversial naughty step was hopeless - she kept getting up and running back. And despite Supernanny's insistence on returning an errant child to the step time and time again, I just did not have the patience or belief in the method in order to persevere with it. The only technique that my husband and I felt confident about was giving her a time out in her room for violent or aggressive behaviour, which soon nipped undesirable actions in the bud. I should have tried to trust my instincts when dealing with the tantrums but, to be honest, I still felt inept at dealing with her anger. I did a search on amazon and found a fascinating book called Taming the Dragon in Your Child by American clinical psychologist Meg Eastman. The joy of this book is that it deals with anger issues from babyhood to the teenage years so I am sure it will be worth its weight in gold! Anger will present itself at each of these different times too, as Eastman declares, "Each stage of development is a balancing act with unavoidable stresses and frustrations. You have a critical role in teaching your child how to manage these inevitable conflicts." Back to basicsAs I discovered through my own counselling sessions, it is through parental help that children learn how to deal with their anger (or not). Eastman helpfully devotes a good deal of time explaining the different parenting styles out there and how these can influence the way parents interact with their child. It soon became obvious that I was a split between a King of the Mountain (dictatorial style) and Queen of the Worried (so anxious that I didn't know what to do), while my husband definitely fell into the latter category. I then read on to discover that my child was a 'Difficult Child' in terms of temperament. This was an important discovery, not only because I could then see how 'in synch' we were with each other but also because not all disciplining techniques will work with all child temperaments. It then becomes a matter of determining what will work with your child to achieve the best results. What is a difficult child? According to the definition given by Eastman, "Some young children are oversensitive and 'difficult'; they tend to overreact to stress and may be hard to console. Their physical make-up makes them sensitive to tension, easily irritated, and easily frustrated. Rather than enjoying and adapting easily to new routines and new people, they may lash out and rebel… Teaching these children to control their own impulses and learn problem-solving techniques will be a special challenge." I quaked at the word 'special' as, in my view, this is a euphemism for 'bloody horrendous'. However, Eastman promises in her book that difficult children are the 'most responsive' of all types to the techniques she advocates. Let's hope so… Strategies for copingMuch of the advice given on how to handle enraged children focuses on the parent's reaction. Eastman advises parents to have a signal in mind whenever a tantrum's about to kick off and old, negative disciplinary habits are threatening to return. Saying something like 'keep cool' to yourself should help you to remain as calm as possible, or alternatively, she suggests imagining a TV crew is coming into your house to film you in action. (Mind you, if you look at some of the families in the reality TV programmes around these days, the presence of a cameraman doesn't make the slightest difference…) Another technique she advocates is giving yourself a time out, saying that it's OK to tell your child, "I'm too angry now. I don't want things to get more out of control. I'm going to take a break and calm down." This is good because it's actively showing your child that you are taking responsibility for your reactions rather than letting your own anger loose. I tried this with my daughter one evening, when we were both tired and she was refusing to let me help her dry her off after her bath. After explaining that I was tired and fed up with arguing, I went into my own bedroom for a couple of minutes and when I returned I found her diligently drying herself off before offering me the towel to complete the job. Result! Too great expectations?Eastman also suggests using humour before things go too far; try to diffuse the tension in the air positively rather than letting them drag you into a fight. However, she warns that you must not let this be an excuse for not dealing with a tantrum. "Children whose tantrums are tolerated and reinforced are most at risk for emotional problems as adults," she says, adding that this can also make them self-centred and narcissistic. "Children need support but she doesn't need to feel that she can manipulate and control you with rage. Show your child how to calm down and use words to express their needs when angry." It would be impossible to explain all the techniques in this article but another key factor that stood out for me was to take a step back and query whether my expectations of my daughter were too high. Much of toddler rage is borne out of frustration at not being able to do things as well as they would like or as quickly as they feel it ought to be done. Children also are loathe to ask for help, such is their desire for independence. It's become my quest to start trying to read the signals behind the tantrums to discover what could be at the root of her rage. This might not stop it but it could help reduce the incidences. Having this knowledge has made me feel happier about dealing with her bouts of bad temper… and mine. We still have off days when we squabble but at the back of my mind I know that achieving peace is possible, although it might take a lifetime! Where to next?
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