A little life, not a little lossAny parent who has experienced the numbing grief of losing a child will be familiar with the feelings of guilt that creep up on you while you are trying to cope as well as other emotions and thoughts that seem to engulf you and yet seem too irrational to mention. As a mother who lost a baby at 10 weeks old, I hope that my experiences will help you to realise that it's okay to cry, it's good to remember and, most importantly, you really don't have to cope all the time.
When you lose a child you are faced with an abundance of sometimes conflicting emotions. These feelings affect anyone who has lost someone close to them, regardless of the age, but for women who are ravaged with pregnancy hormones or the mother dealing with the heaviness of milk-filled breasts, these emotions can be even more intense. Much has been documented on the process of grief and the universally recognised '5 stages' first recognised by a Swiss doctor in the early fifties. You will have been through at least some of them yourself. Denial Refusing to believe your baby has died and imagining that if you go to sleep everything will be fine when you wake up. When my son died I truly believed that it was a nightmare from which I would awake. I even believed that I was the one who had died in the middle of a nightmare and my son was safe. This is recognised as the mind's way of coping with the huge emotional and psychological trauma of death. Vicky's son Kieran died when he was two days old. She says "The journey home felt like days. I kept looking in the back seat where we had strapped Kieran's car seat in expecting it all to be one big nightmare and my gorgeous baby boy to be asleep in it. But he wasn't there. It wasn't a nightmare. It was really happening to us." Anger We all need to find a reason, blame someone for our loss, release the anger that would otherwise consume us. Kieran died from Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension, but no cause was found. Vicky was angry at this and even wrote to the hospital to complain. She says "I was desperate to find somebody to blame. Things like this don't just happen without a cause. I knew that it wasn't their fault. They did all they could but I needed to blame somebody." There is also anger at other people, total strangers. I would look at people out and about, living their normal lives oblivious to the pain I was feeling and I would be so angry at them. How could they smile when my son was dead? How dare they laugh! Vikki remembers looking at other parents. "I was so jealous and thinking why me? Why not them?" Bargaining 'Please God, if you give my baby back I promise I will go to church more/be the best person in the world/devote my life to helping others.' A Mother's plea, spoken by any woman who has lost a child. The promise varies from person to person but the desperate hope that your plea will be heard is the same for every mother. Depression Feeling listless, tired, not caring about how you look, not caring about anything. Depression is heavy and overbearing and saps what little energy you have left. Acceptance Realising that your baby has gone, accepting that he will not return and adapting your life to the changes this has brought about. This is often one of the first questions a parent will ask after the death of a child. It is also the one niggling doubt that never leaves you, regardless of how illogical it seems or how many times people assure you that you are not at fault. Toby died from his polio vaccination. I know it's not my fault. As his mother I believed I was protecting him by having him immunised. Yet even today I blame myself. If I hadn't taken him for his immunisations he would still be alive. If I had questioned the doctor she would not have given him the vaccine and he would still be alive. It is almost as if I need to blame myself because I was his mother and I couldn't protect him. Vicki experienced similar emotions, needing answers to questions that would never come. "Why couldn't they find a cause? Why didn't they try harder to keep him alive?" and finally, "Had I done something when I was pregnant?" Clara Hinton, author of the book 'Silent grief' explains, "Because a parent's primary role is to nurture and care for the child, a parent often has a feeling of deserving punishment when a child dies. It takes a lot of concentrated effort, hard work, and support from others to be able to forgive oneself and finally let go of the gnawing feeling of guilt following the death of a child." It is important to remember that it is not your fault your child died. I did not immunise my son with the intent of him dying, Vicki did not deliberately give Kieran a lung disease. We do not intentionally do something to harm our children so we have nothing to feel guilty about. One of the hardest things a parent must do following the death of a child is organise the funeral. Vicki calls it 'the dreaded day'. She says, "Kieran was carried down the aisle in his tiny white coffin and placed on the stand right next to me. I put my hand on his coffin and couldn't let go. Not for one second did I take my eyes off him. The coffin was so small." She could have been talking about me at my son's funeral or probably any other mother. The finality of the funeral is almost harder to bear than the death. How each parent handles the funeral is very personal and individual. For many the actual service is the hardest time. For Vikki she has found it difficult to arrange a headstone as that is the token of finality for her but she now says, "I have realised that I need to let my son Rest In Peace. It would also be nice for people to see that my baby boy is buried there as they walk passed. We are so proud to be his parents that we should let everybody know it." The first several weeks following the death of a child are usually filled with lots of emotional grief support but there comes a time when it all suddenly seems to end. Visits tail off and when people do come around they often don't know what to say. A bereaved parent likes to talk about her child as often as possible but it suddenly becomes difficult because of others' discomfort. Clara Hinton says "Friends and family members alike often are afraid to mention the name of the deceased child for fear of bringing up sad memories to the parents but it is very healing for parents to hear the name of their child spoken, as well as to hear stories that bring warm memories to mind. Parents long to hear about their child from others." Parents often worry that others have forgotten but they haven't. Most of the time they are just too afraid to bring up the past in case it brings back sad memories. Since Kieran died, Vikki has had another child and is pregnant with her third but Kieran is still a huge part of their lives. "Having more children does not make any one less special or more special than the next. They are all precious to us and we love each and every one dearly." Simply because a child has died does not make them any less part of a family.
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