Experiences of death within the familyBabyworld mums have scored above average on the bravery scales. Here they say why honesty is so important, and explain the difficult decisions they have had to make.
"Adults complicate things too much" "When my grandma died, my son was three and I told him she died and we wouldn't see her anymore. He knew she was ill, and we had talked a little about how people, animals, all things age and die. He was okay with it. I think adults complicate things too much. We overthink things. Death is a natural part of life and children can appreciate that." Tigershark "Kids take in more information than we think" "Since Wil was born, we've lost a dog, (to a heart attack) a cat, (to the road) a goldfish, (to whatever goldfish go of) and my mum has lost three or four dogs. (It sounds like we have a pet death-wish, but it's not like that honest!) "Losing them has made Wil completely fascinated and unfazed by death, in that five-year-old way. He also knows that most of his relatives 'went to the sky' before he was born, but knows their names from photos. "He understands that sometimes people get ill and sadly die, and also sometimes accidents make people die (since Jasper the cat met his match with a car he's become much more road-aware). He even knows sometimes other people hurt (and kill) other people. I think kids take in much more information that we think, or would like them to think, but I've never tried to shield him from death as it's part of life. Maybe because I've had so much in my lifetime too, I'm slightly 'hardened' to it, although that's the wrong word to use, as no one gets hardened to death. "What touches me the most is that sometimes, out of the blue, he'll casually say that he misses Stanley, our huge bull mastiff who died when Wil was two and a half, and stroke his photo. And occasionally he'll point at a star in the sky and say it's him, which opens another issue of why we tell kids things like that. I have no particular religion but the star in the sky one seems to be age-old and I think does no harm. "On a lighter note, the other day, my partner and I were randomly talking about Elvis dying on the toilet with a burger in his hand (I have no idea if this is true, no offence to any Elvis fans!) and Wil butted in knowingly with, 'That's what happens if you have too many McDonalds!'. That was funny in itself but for the rest of the compilation tape he proceeded to ask us what each singer had died of. It was like that charity shop sketch in Little Britain." Clara "Children sometimes handle death better than adults" "I do think we shield them from death a lot, and I don't think its always necessary as the children I know who have 'experienced' death seem to have handled it well, sometimes better than the adults in the same situation." Cait "I don't think children should be shielded from death too much, it's a part of life and it happens to everyone. My nephew died a couple of years ago (he was 32) and I took my daughter (then 2) along to the funeral. I had explained to her beforehand where we were going and why and that Barry had been poorly etc and she took it on board fine. "She does seem to have a fascination with death at the moment and says things like, 'You won't be here then, you'll be dead' and 'When you are dead…'. She knows that my dad is dead, though he died a long time before she came along, but she asked where my dad was, so I told her. I think sometimes people don't credit children with having the sense that they have." Di "I would rather it came from us than from the children at school" "When our daughter died Cameron was 16 months old so he was too young to properly understand what was going on at the time. Since then he has regularly asked questions about how and why Megan died and we have always answered him honestly. I would never go into huge amounts of detail about death but I think that glossing over the facts doesn't help in the long run. Jack was born after Megan died and again he knows what happened to her and has just recently started asking questions. "Cameron came to her funeral but he was young so wouldn't have been aware of what was actually happening. I would never have dreamt of not having him there; she was his sister and death is very much a part of life that children need to know about. Both the boys visit Megan's grave with us regularly and it seems to be a normal thing for them to do now. They don't get upset or cause a fuss because they understand why we have to go there. "If we hadn't been faced with having to deal with losing Megan then I probably would have protected them from it a bit more. I don't think it is right to tell children about it until they start asking questions unless you are in a situation where it has to be discussed. It's not a nice thing to talk about but one day they will know what death is and I would rather it came from me and my husband than from other children at school." Sarah "I'm an 'it's dead and it ain't coming back' kind of person" "My dad died when my daughter was 12 months old so she was a bit young to remember him but I have always talked about him and shown her pictures and told her what he used to do and how much he adored her. She knows he's dead and she knows that when you're dead you can't come back to this life. She takes great delight in telling this to my son whenever he touches something dangerous. "We had a conversation the other week and she was asking what would happen to my guitar when I die! I told her she could have it if she wanted it and she went on to say that yes she would like it and then when she dies she can give it to her children and they can give it to their children, etc. She's only five! "She told me a few days ago that all Grandads become Gods when they die; no idea where that came from. If I'm honest I'm very blunt about it all. I'm an 'it's dead and it ain't coming back' kind of person whereas my sister is the faffy one. "I'm sure there will be more questions as they get older and I will tell them what I can or point them in the right direction for the answer, the same as everything else. I don't think it's fair to shield them from everything, how will they then cope as adults?" Al "People who won't discuss death often are those with no belief in an afterlife" "My son has seen dead pets. We've talked about why they died and where they go. Also seeing road-kill and talking about it has increased his road sense. We've talked about his uncle dying, although he'd been sick since before my son remembers so he didn't really know him. He did understand why his dad and grandparents were upset though. I do think those who won't discuss death are often those with no conviction that there is an afterlife. My fiancé won't discuss death; it was very difficult to get him to arrange life assurance, as he feels it's final and wants to avoid it." Debbieann "Is death more difficult to deal with because it happens less frequently these days?" "In the process of tracing my family tree, I found that death (in the 19th century in particular) occurred with alarming regularity, particularly infant death and death in childbirth. Because it happened so frequently, I wonder if people found it easier to cope with emotionally or if they were less emotional than people are today. Are we more emotional about death because it is such a relatively rare thing nowadays? "The only person that has died since my children were born is their great grandfather. We explained it as best as we could but I struggled to explain what happened to his body; I thought that it would be a bit grisly to explain cremation." Redgecko "Experiencing negative emotions is a normal part of being human" "My dad died in February. I don't believe in shielding children from death or patronising them and I think it's true that some adults won't discuss death because they are afraid of the subject, and children, who don't have the social graces and pretences that we do, will ask awkward questions. "When dad died, my husband and I told our children the following morning. We explained how and why he had died, and let them cry and ask questions. It was very difficult but I didn't feel it would be right to exclude them and just say 'Grandad is in heaven'. The grief process was different for them, it was as if they went through the various stages of grieving very quickly, over the space of a couple of days. They became angry, had problems sleeping and asked 'Why?' a lot. "When it was time to visit my dad in the chapel, we asked the older two if they wanted to see him and explained how he would look and where he would be. They decided not to go, which was fine by me. We took Rosie to the funeral because we felt she needed to say goodbye properly. As the boys are a lot younger, they didn't seem as affected by the bereavement as she did and they found the prospect of a day in with nanny more appealing. "Rosie was very distressed at the funeral but that's normal! She was saying goodbye to her grandad. She also saw me very distressed but I felt it was part of life she had to come to terms with. People die, and those left behind grieve. I find it odd that we would try and shield our children from these feelings because they are a part of everyone's life, and experiencing negative emotions is a normal part of being human. "For some weeks after the funeral, she was unsettled at school and needed a lot of reassurance. She kept asking 'Are YOU going to die?' and would worry whenever anyone got ill. We were open about things and encouraged her questions. The boys rarely mentioned it, but more recently, now it's five months since the death, they are beginning to ask more and often sit with the photo album talking about their grandad." "I've never understood why we shield our children from normal natural events like birth and death. It's very much a cultural behaviour, as it's normal in most Afrocentric cultures for children to be included in these matters and they don't seem damaged as a result. Perhaps the insistence on hiding death from children is one reason why we, as adults, cannot deal with it easily. We often don't get a chance to deal with feelings surrounding death until adulthood, so we don't know how to react." Kelly "It's hard explaining things to them in a way they understand" "We have had two cats die since Charley was born. The first died when she was two and we said that Gypsy was in heaven. She didn't really understand although she told anyone who'd listen that her cat had gone to heaven. The other cat, Ebony, got run over just before Christmas when Charley was nearly four. All was well until she saw something dead on TV and asked why it wasn't in heaven so I tried to explain that the actual body gets buried but the soul goes to heaven. Obviously she doesn't understand that and I am hard pushed as to how to explain this to her while still being truthful about death but not going into too much detail." Lucy "Heaven is like a happy playground in the sky" "I have lost two grandads and two grandmas between 2001 and 2002 and then we lost two angels. My son knows they are in heaven; I told him that heaven is like a happy playground in the sky with swings and slides and Star Wars figures, just like he has now." Angie Where to next
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