 On
the couch
I don't want to resent my son
In the second of a series of common toddler troubles, Sharon
Charlton-Thomson, of the Parent Coaching Company, helps a full-time mum
who is wearing out emotionally caring for her 26 month-old toddler who
is very demanding.
I don't want to resent my son
I am a full-time mum to my son, who is nearly 26 months. He is a very
active little boy and very loving but he is wearing me out emotionally.
He won't play with any of his toys, either on his own or with me. He
would rather watch the TV, which I refuse to have on all day long. I have
tried painting and playdough and playing on the floor with him but, after
two minutes, he says 'away' and starts clearing up! The rest of the time
he just wants to be climbing on me etc.
I find this really tiring emotionally as he also has all the stubbornness
and determination you would expect from a two-year-old.
What makes it worse is that my husband is working six days a week at
the moment so I only get one day a week where I am not his sole carer
from 7am-6/7pm. I have no real family support and feel I never get the
break I need from him. I'm worried I'm starting to resent him even though
I know I should feel lucky that I am able to stay at home full time. I
am also five months pregnant with number two so hormones are making me
feel extra teary which isn't helping at all.
Any advice or people feeling the same gratefully received.
Mum to mum
What our mums said …
I have a two-year-old daughter and a seven-month-old son. Like you, my
husband works long hours and I am left with the kids all day long with
no transport. Your son sounds just like my little girl. She would much
rather trash the house and climb all over me while I'm trying to see to
the baby or do the housework. I find it very, very stressful and on top
of all this, my son has just had three teeth come through in just under
a fortnight and I am getting very little sleep. I don't have many friends
either and the visitors I do get tend to annoy me by comparing babies
and criticising me.
It can get very lonely five days a week doing this but there isn't much
I can do anyway with a toddler and baby in tow. My husband did a half
day at work the other day to let me and my friend go for a girly shop
but I was so tired and worn out that I wasn't in the mood for it and didn't
really enjoy myself. I had money to spend that my husband gave me but
ended up buying the kids clothes and toys and my husband a game for his
computer and I came home with nothing for myself. I just try to keep busy
in the day time and before I know it, my husband is home.
My daughter certainly keeps me on my toes! Whenever I pop to the loo
or go upstairs to clean, I come downstairs to broken vases, picture frames
and ornaments, and DVDs out of their cases scattered everywhere. I think
it's just one of these things. Toddlers are all the same generally and
this is the age where you can't have a full-blown conversation with them,
so it makes it harder to get through the day when you're getting nowhere
with talking to them.
So you see I can totally sympathise!
My son was 18 months when my first daughter was born and, boy, I think
I've all but blanked out the bad days. I have every sympathy with you
- but I do have some suggestions that might help (they are now aged 6
and 7 and I have a one-year-old too).
Join the National Trust - with a friend if possible! The kids can just
run around wide open spaces and play hide and seek and there's usually
loads of the 'older' generation who don't mind retrieving small boys etc.
Meet other parents at one or two toddler groups and then arrange days
out - I still can't stand toddler groups, but they do have their uses.
Your local library is also a great place for a bit of book sorting if
your son is feeling quiet.
Making cakes is wonderfully messy and tasty. Corn flour mixed with water
and a bit of food colouring is really therapeutic for you and your son
to get your fingers into and dries into an easy-clean powder.
Tell your son that mummy needs five minutes' peace.
I can only tell you that these times will pass. If you are thinking of
breastfeeding number two, then that's a great time for him to watch and
learn about new babies and how to care for them. Involve him in all the
baby stuff and get him a doll if you can.
Hope some of that helps and I'm sending out good thoughts to help you
survive this exhausting time.
I'm not sure that my answer will a) help or b) go down well, but have
you thought of putting your two-year-old into a day nursery for half a
day a week or something? This I'm sure will encourage him to play, not
only on his own but with other children his own age. You might find it
helps when new baby comes along. It'll be hard at first but I'm an advocate
of these (good) nurseries that help a child's development. I have a two-year-old
son so I can understand. You need some time too, particularly if your
husband is working a lot.
This may not be for you, but I thought I'd suggest it. My son goes to
day nursery and loves it.
Expert advice
Oh, this does sound tough, it sounds totally exhausting …
Feeling emotionally worn-out is a tough place to parent from so let's
have a look at it. My sense is, the more we can increase your sense of
well being, the more resources you'll have to enjoy time with your son.
The reality is that you are in a difficult situation and I don't want
to belittle that. Being the sole carer for six days a week full on is
no picnic!
At the same time I would encourage you to really focus on what I call
your 'circle of support'. Who or what is in your circle? To help with
this, draw a circle and divide it into segments and then, in each segment,
write the type of support you need. One segment may say 'time for me',
for example. Then put the name of someone who can help you - perhaps a
friend's name. Why not ask him or her if you can both swap play dates,
allowing you both some precious rest and recuperation time? It may be
that a particular activity can help you. Ten long, deep breaths can be
a great quick tonic, or music, when, for two minutes, you can dance to
your favourite track! Gloria Gaynor always does it for me!
This may seem a difficult task but allow yourself to be creative and
you'll be surprised what flows! Ask a friend to help you with it.
Having support in your parenting is essential for your own well being,
and for that of your child, including the one on the way! But until we
ask for the support nothing changes. By drawing up your circle of support,
you are taking the first step in identifying the sources of support you
can create for yourself. The next step is to ask for that support and
I bet you'll be amazed at what you might be offered.
At times we all get frustrated with our kids. The average toddler demands
their parent's attention many times in a single minute! So it's hardly
surprising that they can run us ragged at times.
It sounds like you want to limit TV time, so you decide how you want
that to work and what you feel is appropriate for your son, then stick
to it. Consistency is key.
For play time, take it slowly, following your son's lead some of the
time. Let him rough and tumble with you sometimes and go for the play
dough etc at other times. By doing this, you are evening up the inevitable
power struggle that exists between parent and child.
The key to this is to set small goals every day. When your son behaves
how you want him to, reward and praise him and celebrate yourself! Remember:
if there were no difficulties there would be no triumphs!
Lastly, don't force anything. Work within what feels right for you as
a parent. This isn't about me trying to script your life for you: translate
my suggestions into a way that works for you and your family.
Where to next?
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