On the couch

He won't stop crying when I leave him

Every mum hates leaving their children at nursery when they are crying their little heads off. So how do you deal with It? Help Is at hand with parent coach Debbie Lewis!

"My one-year-old has just started nursery and he cries a lot, on and off all day. I seem to be doing all the right things - it is a great nursery, there are good people there and I had good recommendations about It (including a friend from my NCT group with a baby about the same age). I don't feel guilty as I know I am doing the best for him, and going back to work for two days a week is good for me - plus I can't take any more time off work.

"However, I would really like to know how I can talk to him or work with him to make it as easy as possible for him to use his own emotional strength (usually he is a sweet, calm little boy) to enjoy life at the nursery?" Lisa

The answer

Firstly, it is great that you are aware of how your little boy is feeling and that you usually have a very sweet, calm little boy. You must already be doing a fantastic job.

Knowing that our children are upset when they are away from us is very hard and makes it almost impossible to concentrate when we are at work. You have made a decision that you want to return to work and you feel that this is in both of your interests. Being a working parent can be beneficial for you both but only if you know your son is happy and settled.

I am sure that you have already eliminated all the usual stuff, such as him being tired or unwell. Some children do take time to settle into a nursery, particularly if they have been used to being at home, whilst others seem to feel happy there very quickly.

For those children who take longer settle there are a few things that can help:

• Make sure that you are genuinely happy with the nursery. Ignore others' opinions, as you know your child best. If you're not 100% sure about the place, your son won't be either.
• Request that the same nursery worker is there to take your child every morning. Talk with them about having something ready that your child likes doing.
• Tell your child when you will be back in a way they can understand, eg "After you have had your afternoon nap and snack mummy will be here to get you".
• Don't confuse your child by leaving then coming back to check they are OK. Phone the nursery when you get to work to ask how they are.
• Talk about the nursery in a positive way when you are at home and let your son take something comforting and familiar with him to nursery.
• Make sure the nursery staff know any special words your child uses to help comfort and reassure him.

If your son continues to cry regularly it may be that this is not the nursery for him. Children, like us, are individuals and what suits one will not suit another. A child who is worried and upset will not benefit from the opportunities that a nursery offers.

You do not need to give up your work but may need to look at some other forms of childcare, such as a different nursery or childminder. Finding a good and experienced childminder is often a good solution for little ones who find nursery too much too soon. Debbie

Meet Debbie Lewis

Debbie is a specialist parent coach who regularly contributes on parenting issues to national and regional media including Channel 5's Trisha Goddard Show. Debbie runs Curve Coaching providing life coaching, parent coaching and professional training and has worked for over ten years with adults and children in a broad range of jobs including nanny, consultant, social worker and running parenting groups. Debbie Lewis is a registered member of The Parenting and Education Support Forum, The General Social Care Council, an NLP Practitioner and accredited life coach.

Where to next?

• More answers to your parenting questions
• What a parenting coach could do for you
• Toddler driving you mad? Talk to other mums in the same boat!