 How
to get the family Christmas you want!
Do relatives from hell make your life a misery at Christmas?
Do you wish you could lock all the doors and not come out till the New
Year?
Sharon Charlton-Thomson, of the Parent Coaching Company, shares with
Babyworld some secrets for surviving the seasonal onslaught.
The problem: How to get the family Christmas
you want
'I am starting to dread Christmas coming up. I don't mean to be a scrooge
but since September my in-laws have been trying to get my husband and
I to commit to plans over Christmas as they like to organize things months
in advance. They always want us down there and then start hassling us
about when we can all meet up over the Xmas period.
'My family, on the other hand, doesn't like Christmas and refuse to talk
about it until the very last minute -- yet they would get offended if
we didn't see them! They say Christmas isn't important but then they get
upset at the thought of not seeing my daughter on the big day itself.
To be honest, I would be happier going away and forgetting about it!
But I can't. However, some part of me thinks it would be nice to celebrate
Christmas quietly as a family, just the three of us for a change in our
house. The thought of spending five days or so driving around the country
in traffic jams with a toddler makes me shudder. What can we do to make
sure everyone (including us!) is happy over Christmas? How can we keep
our sanity without disappearing UP the chimney?!'
Our expert says
Sharon Charlton-Thomson had this advice for our member …
First of all, let me say that you are not alone on this one. Every year
at the Parent Coaching Company, our mail bags are stuffed with similar
dilemmas. Christmas can be a very sensitive time! The magazines at this
time of year are full of tips of how to survive Christmas, which just
makes me scream ... how about how to enjoy Christmas, let alone survive
it!
If you find yourself knee-deep in the festive debate of whose parents
to go to and when, our first suggestion is to press pause and think it
through. In order to enjoy this Christmas what needs to happen? What are
your options this year? Write them all down and think about how you want
Christmas to be, what is important to you and your family before rushing
in to make decisions.
Getting clear like this is the first step. Try to get as rich a picture
of Christmas as you can. Imagine Christmas Eve and Christmas Day; see
yourself doing what you want to do, who is there? What are you feeling,
seeing, and hearing?
It's not about expecting miracles
This isn't about expecting miracles but it is about knowing what you
want and how far you are willing to compromise. It's not about being mean
to others, but it is about getting really clear on what needs to happen
in order that your family can truly enjoy Christmas this year. If your
kids are old enough, you can ask for their input as well. Be creative
and really brainstorm all the options open to you. At the same time, you'll
be giving your children a loving message that what they want counts!
Now that you're clear, you need to go to step two … which is how you
can have a Christmas that you like and what needs to change.
This can be a sensitive area for many families. We are often afraid of
upsetting others and not conforming. But the truth is, if you want a life
that works well for you, then you need to be able to set clear boundaries.
You decide what is OK and what isn't, how much you want to see relatives
or not.
Setting clear boundaries in a way that respects other people is a great
way to get our needs met whilst being sensitive to the needs of others.
It doesn't mean we run rough-shod over everyone and only think of ourselves;
far from it. It's about empathising with the needs of others and sensitively
letting others know your needs at the same time.
Set your boundaries
Making the choice to set clear boundaries means that you must choose
to give up all that you are tolerating. Maybe it's time to give up the
martyr routine or the good guy/good girl role and live a full life with
good boundaries instead. Make a conscious choice to set your boundaries
and start visualising a brighter picture, where your boundaries let in
the positive stuff and keep out the negative stuff!
It could go something like this: "We've been thinking about Christmas
and we know its really important to you to see us over the Christmas period.
We really want to see you too, how about all day on the 28th?"
Notice there is no whiff of justifying your decision in there, no mixed
messages, no blame or excuses, just clear communication that acknowledges
the other person's point of view.
Step three is putting it into practice … the sooner you do it the sooner
it will be done! And any anxiety is diminished.
Enjoy!
Mum to mum
'Decide what you want together as a family'
My family are very big and there are five grandchildren. My sister has
a house-full, as well as my eight brothers and sisters, not including
boyfriends or husbands or grandkids. As you can guess, a lot of people
at Christmas! Too many for Christmas lunch, but my mum gets upset at me
not wanting to go this year and wanting my own Christmas with my hubby
and tot and my future baby who is due in March.
My partner's family are so nice and I want to go there often but they live
five hours away. When you go to their house it isn't packed like my family's
place is. His parents are fine if I say I want this year to ourselves and
my other half will go with what I want usually!
I think you should decide together as a family, as it is your Christmas
to remember. For the past few years, we have gone to each other's, took
it in turns. This year, I am making Xmas dinner for my little family and,
of course, our 3 dogs! Don't feel bad because you want a nice day for
you and your immediate loved ones.
'We compromise'
I live in Yorkshire but come from Swansea, where my family still
are. Since moving to Hull four years ago, we have gone to my parents'
every second year for Christmas, and the other years we stay in our own
home and have a quiet family day. My husband's parents will pop round
in the morning to give my daughter her gifts (they live round the corner).
My husband's family are big on family get-togethers on Christmas Day
but they know by now that we do not usually go. We go to the New Year'
Day buffet instead to make up for it. And my family are quite happy with
us going down every second year as they know it's only fair.
Families hey!
'We locked the doors on Christmas and Boxing Day!'
I hate trying to organise Christmas, as I always end up agreeing to something
I am not happy with just to keep the peace!
Six years ago my parents divorced and it was assumed that my mum would
spend Christmas with us, staying for five days. Now, I didn't mind this
for the first year, or the second, and even the third I was OK about it
but, after that, I started to get a little stressed. I have a brother
and sister and they never offered to have mum there but would come and
visit us at our house so they could see her on the *big* day!
So last year I put my foot down. I TOLD them all that this year it was
just going to be us six in our house on Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Everyone else was more than welcome on any other day but those two days
the doors were locked! It was a fab Christmas, the best we have had for
a long time. The atmosphere was much less stressed, we ate when WE wanted
to, and the house was a total tip!
We are doing the same again this year, just us six. We will be seeing
the rest of the families after Boxing Day and we will phone them all on
Christmas day to say thanks etc.
Good luck, it certainly isn't easy!
'Your family must come first'
Last Christmas was horrific. We had my husband's mum, dad, sister, her
partner and baby with us. We had one-year-old twins and a four-year-old
son. I can't stand my in-laws - they completely spoil his sister and child
and leave us out. I put my foot down this year and said it will just be
the five of us. My parents have always said that once you have a family
of your own they come first. Be firm - Christmas is about being a family
and being a child. So do what you want to do and don't feel guilty.
Where to next?
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