 When
pregnancy is unplanned
An unplanned fifth pregnancy has thrown up a mixed bag of emotions
for 41-year-old Dawn
Robinson-Walsh
If we believe popular opinion, all babies are wanted, planned and welcome.
But it's not just teenagers who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant
with a baby they don't really want and the options available – termination,
remaining pregnant or adoption – are all extremely difficult whatever
your age or situation.
As a 41-year-old having just discovered I was pregnant for the fifth
time, it was reassuring to find another woman who was stunned to discover
herself in the same situation – I wasn't alone. Rachel, 37, a
mother of two children, aged six and 10, was only six weeks into a new
relationship when she discovered the worst, despite having a coil in place.
After five years as a single mother, she was just beginning to feel she
had regained control of her life. My own situation was different
– married to my husband of many years, but with my youngest son due
to start school next year, the news was still unwelcome.
Despite our different situations, our responses to the pregnancy and
other people's reactions to it have been remarkably similar. We both found
it very difficult to tell other people the news. Feeling shocked and vulnerable
isn't the best time to open yourself up to criticism and insensitive comments,
especially from those closest to you.
Both of us seriously considered and discussed termination as an
option – Rachel bled up to 12 weeks and felt she couldn't make the
decision to terminate when her baby seemed to be fighting to survive.
Likewise, I felt that it didn't seem right to abort a pregnancy in my
reasonably secure circumstances.
Having decided not to terminate, Rachel then had fears of miscarriage
because of her coil and I had fears of abnormality following a screen
positive nuchal scan.
Rachel became very depressed and withdrawn from her partner, feeling
tired and upset. It is hard to carry on with life as if nothing has happened.
Likewise, I have suffered bouts of depression and unhappiness. It is hard
to feel any enjoyment or enthusiasm about my pregnancy.
Our children seem quite happy with the news (my 11-year-old daughter
aside, who wept), and both partners seem to have accepted the inevitable
quite positively.
Other people have picked up on our sense of upset and wanting it all
to go away, and their responses haven't always been helpful. Rachel's
parents have talked about the baby ruining her life and possible lone
parenthood. Everyone comments on my and my partner's fertility, usually
in the context of vasectomy or sterilisation. And the constant refrain
of 'How will you cope?' makes one wonder how indeed!
Both of us are at the stage where we can feel our babies moving now.
Rachel is 19 weeks and I'm 25. We are both slowly coming to terms with
it. We're both hoping to move house, and we know our lives will change
deeply with the arrival of these babies - hopefully positively.
Rachel says: "I always thought that it was possible to have control
of your life but now I know that it's not all up to you." That sums
it up.
It seems ironic that many people struggle to have a baby at all, and
to them our negativity will undoubtedly seem selfish. But there are lessons
to be learned:
-
Most contraceptives have a failure rate
-
Unwanted pregnancies don't just happen to teenagers and are still
stigmatised
-
People assume a right to comment about your fertility
-
The guilt of not really wanting a baby enough is there, ready to
kick in at the first sign of problems
Coping with the pregnancy can be very difficult, but you have to make
this baby welcome eventually and try to feel joy ...fingers crossed!
Where to next?
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