 When pregnancy is unplanned
An
unplanned fifth pregnancy has thrown up a mixed bag of emotions for
41-year-old Dawn
Robinson-Walsh
If we believe popular opinion, all babies are wanted, planned and
welcome. But it's not just teenagers who find themselves
unexpectedly pregnant with a baby they don't really want and the options
available – termination, remaining pregnant or adoption – are all
extremely difficult whatever your age or situation. As a 41-year-old
having just discovered I was pregnant for the fifth time, it was reassuring to find another
woman who was stunned to discover herself in the same situation – I
wasn't alone. Rachel, 37, a mother of two children, aged six
and
10, was only six weeks into a new relationship when she discovered the
worst, despite having a coil in place. After five years as a single mother, she was
just beginning to feel she had regained control of her life. My
own situation was different – married to my husband of many years,
but with my youngest son due to start school next year, the news was
still unwelcome. Despite our different situations, our responses to the
pregnancy and other people's reactions to it have been remarkably similar. We
both found it very difficult to tell other people the news. Feeling
shocked and vulnerable isn't the best time to open yourself up to
criticism and insensitive comments, especially from those closest to
you.
Both of us seriously considered and discussed termination
as an option – Rachel bled up to 12 weeks and felt she couldn't
make the decision to terminate when her baby seemed to be fighting to
survive. Likewise, I felt that it didn't seem right to abort a
pregnancy in my reasonably secure circumstances. Having decided not
to terminate, Rachel then had fears of miscarriage because of her coil
and I had fears of abnormality following a screen positive nuchal scan. Rachel became very depressed and withdrawn from her partner,
feeling tired and upset. It is hard to carry on with life as if
nothing has happened. Likewise, I have suffered bouts of
depression and unhappiness. It is hard to feel any enjoyment or
enthusiasm about my pregnancy.
Our children seem quite happy with the
news (my 11-year-old daughter aside, who wept), and both partners seem
to have accepted the inevitable quite positively. Other people have picked up on our sense of upset and wanting it all to go
away, and their responses haven't always been helpful. Rachel's parents have
talked about the baby ruining her life and possible lone parenthood.
Everyone comments on my and my partner's fertility, usually in the
context of vasectomy or sterilisation. And the constant refrain
of 'How will you cope?' makes one wonder how indeed! Both of
us are at the stage where we can feel our babies moving now. Rachel is
19 weeks and I'm 25. We are both slowly coming to terms with it. We're
both hoping to move house, and we know our lives will change deeply with
the arrival of these babies - hopefully positively. Rachel says:
"I always thought that it was possible to have control of your
life but now I know that it's not all up to you." That sums it
up.
It seems ironic that many people struggle to have a baby at all,
and to them our negativity will undoubtedly seem selfish. But
there are lessons to be learned:
-
Most contraceptives have a failure rate
-
Unwanted pregnancies don't just happen to teenagers and are
still stigmatised
-
People assume a right to comment about your fertility
-
The guilt of not really wanting a baby enough is there, ready
to kick in at the first sign of problems
Coping with the pregnancy can be very difficult, but you
have to make this baby welcome eventually and try to feel
joy ...fingers crossed!
Where to next?
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