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Together or apart?Linda Jones investigates changing attitudes to bringing up twins... A generation ago, you knew where you were with twins, they were dressed identically (whether or not they were identical) and had similar-sounding names like Tim and Tom or Lottie and Dottie. The poor little mites were given one present between them at Christmas and on their birthdays and books on bringing up twins emphasized their "sameness". But today there has been a complete U-turn, with families desperately anxious to recognise their children as individuals and not just half of "the twins". Now parents of multiples are going to great lengths to make sure that, as well as treasuring a special bond, their children learn to relish their independence. From the moment twins are born, people compare and stereotype them: which is the eldest? Which is the quietest? Which is the strongest? It is important to realise how damaging this can be – affecting not only how the children are seen by the outside world, but also the way they see themselves. Tracey Cawthra, mum to Jack and Sam, aged two, says: "I am very conscious about bringing my boys up as individuals – they have never been dressed alike from the moment that they were born. I tell everyone to send them separate birthday cards and if they want to take them out for the day, I am more than happy that they go out individually – this also means that they both get their own time. I am also clear that Jack and Sam are never referred to as 'the twins.'" Marieke Piggott, mum tofour-year-olds Sam and Tom, says: "With the huge amount of information being exchanged across the globe these days and research data on the long-term effects of parenting, we are much more aware of the damage that can be done to multiples if they are not treated as individuals." According to Tamba, the Twins and Multiple Births Association, twins should be encouraged to achieve a sense of their individuality by dressing them differently from an early age. But the charity advises new parents: "For the first few months, don’t worry too much about how you dress the babies. You will be so busy that any approach that fits in with your schedule and budget is OK." As the children grow, it may continue to be fun to dress them identically, but Ruth Stone, director of Tamba warns: "Dressing children in identical clothes can lead others to treat the babies as a group instead of as an individuals. It can also cause problems later on as children sometimes insist on continuing to wear the same clothes as each other. Even if you’re given identical sets of clothing as presents, the babies do not have to wear them at the same time." Twins at play should not have to share their toys. Giving them one toy between them is likely to limit their urge to explore and lead to frustration and fighting. And you should always make a special effort to address each child by their own name. It may sound like this is stating the obvious – but it’s easier said than done, as one little boy showed when he was asked his name at nursery: "It’s Michaelandjohn," he replied. Where to next?
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