Step-families

The number of second and third marriages increases yearly, and so, consequently, does the number of step-families. Step-parents and step-children can have a hard time adjusting to each other, especially when there's a baby or toddler involved, so it's vital to communicate effectively and make compromises.

• Coping with the challenges
• Keep talking!
• Meet the Brothertons - the trials and tribulations of a step-family.

Coping with the challenges

Adding a baby to an existing stepfamily affects a number of different relationships which may already be quite fragile. Existing children may fear that they are being replaced, a new mum may find it hard to feel in control when her partner has been through parenthood before, while a first-time father may feel that his needs are being squeezed out.

"Having a baby together can unite families, particularly if there are step-children on both sides. But however united it is, it makes a more complex family and that complexity needs to be thought about, worked at and acknowledged," says therapist Cheryl Walters, head of policy and research at Parentline Plus, a charity incorporating The National Stepfamily Association, Parentline and Parent Network, which provides information and support to families.

Walters says that in her experience more than 50 per cent of couples in second relationships/marriages go on to have a child together, although there are no official figures to support this theory.

"One of the main problems is that parents' expectations are too high and they think everyone's going to feel great about a new baby. Often, the children who feel great when you tell them you are expecting a baby absolutely hate it when it happens and vice versa."

Keep talking!

It's vital to keep communication channels open to the existing children, she says. They should be the first to know of the pregnancy and your door should always be open if they want to talk about it.

How can you offset jealousy felt by older children over the new arrival? Allow them space to come in if they want to and offer them the potential to feed the baby or take it for a walk or amuse it on their own, without interfering.

"The child needs to build a separate relationship with this new sibling, but at the same time don't push it. If you do the older child might feel very resentful and feel as if this baby is more important than they are."

Counsellor and agony aunt Suzie Hayman, author of the Relate Guide To Second Families (Vermilion), says: "Sometimes a new baby can bring together the children from either side. Up until that point, there's a division. There's no link between the children and there can be enormous rivalry and jealousy.

"The new child can create a blood bond because it is a half sibling to both children. Children can find themselves falling in love with the new baby just as parents do."

However, not all the picture is rosy for step-children, she adds. "Their blood family has broken up, which has torn them apart, while everything seems fine with Mummy or Daddy and their new partner. The step-child may still feel a sense of loss and grief over the missing parent. 

"A new baby only puts the seal on that. It's bad enough that their parent has been supplanted by a new person but a new child can also do that. The existing child may think, 'Am I being got rid of and replaced?' "

Couples need to involve the step-child immediately they know another baby is on the way, says Hayman. "Make it clear that you love them and that they are not being replaced or rejected and make special time for them as well."

Couples in second relationships who have existing children should think carefully before taking the plunge and having one together, she warns. The sad statistics are that second marriages have a higher failure rate than first ones - you are nearly twice as likely to have a second marriage go wrong as a first.

Where to next?

• If you're a step-parent, or about to become one, visit our Step-families discussion board and share your experiences of dealing with the challenges of step-parenting
• Parentline Plus offers support to anyone parenting a child, whether natural parents, step parents, grandparents or foster parents. Confidential helpline: 0808 800 2222
• Relate family counselling helpline: 0870 601 2121
• Suzie Hayman's Relate Guide To Second Families is published by Vermilion and priced £9.99. Visit Alphabetstreet.co.uk to buy or read a review on it