Stay-at-home dads
What keeps stay-at-home dads awake at night (apart from baby!)? We ask three fathers to talk about their main concerns while psychologist Dr Pat Spungin shares her expert advice...
Stuart Hastie, 28 years old, from Burneside in the Lake District
'Mary and I agreed early on in her pregnancy that I would be the one to stay at home. It was purely a financial decision - Mary is an accountant and earns much more than I can. She went back to work two weeks ago - so I'm on my own now. Luca is 12 weeks old and so far it's been fine. But I am wondering how I'm going to meet people and have a social life.
It's a long day when you have no one but a baby to talk to! Before giving up work I was a team leader for a kitchen firm so I'm used to having lots of adult company. I can't imagine joining a mother and baby group - other mums I've come across so far either shy away from me or just stare. I feel as if they're checking to see that I'm doing the job properly! How can I get to meet other stay-at-home dads?
Dr Pat Spungin says: 'Don't give up on mums yet! Of course it's hard when you're a dad to feel comfortable at a mother and baby group but it's worth persevering. After all, you'll be concerned about lots of the same issues - such as weaning and sleep routines - and these groups can be invaluable for exchanging information and getting support. And as your baby gets older, he'll really benefit from being around other children. Look friendly, start conversations and you're bound to make friends.
Meeting other dads may be more difficult but the web is a great place for creating a sense of community. If you have online access at home, visit babyworld's Fatherhood discussion forum or our stay-at-home parents board when you get a moment. If you find any dads who live in your vicinity, you could organise a get-together and maybe one day start your own father and baby group.'
David Bloor, 33 years old, from south London
'Initially after our son Roman was born (he's now nearly two years old), my partner Cash and I both worked part-time, which was a really good arrangement. She's an art teacher and I worked for the NHS. Unfortunately I became very disillusioned with my job and decided to leave, so I'm now Roman's main carer.
Roman and I have a great time together but it's not easy coping with other people's reactions. My parents think I'm a man of leisure and have even asked when I'm going to get a 'proper' job! And I often feel frustrated - there's no space for anything else and sometimes I find myself thinking 'Is this it for the next few years?' We are expecting our second baby in February and I'm very apprehensive about Cash going back to work after her maternity leave. How can I stop feeling as if I've put my life on hold?'
Dr Pat Spungin says: 'Unfortunately, women who stay at home to look after their children have pretty low status - and for dads it's often worse, even though it's often much more demanding than many jobs! Be frank with those who react badly and explain what you're doing and why.
In a few years your toddler will be at school and the new baby will be at nursery, so it's not for the rest of your life. Give yourself a focus by putting together a five-year plan - and start to work towards it now. You may need to be creative about finding time for yourself - when Roman is at nursery, for example, and the new baby is asleep - but focusing on your future will help you feel like your life is still moving forward.'
Gregg Richardson, 34, from Southampton
'At the moment both myself and Sarah my wife are at home with our daughter, Hannah. Sarah's maternity leave finishes in a few months time. I'm a self-employed electrician, Sarah works in marketing for a publishing company. We decided I'd be the one to stay at home to look after Hannah because of the nature of my work - it's pretty flexible, although for the next few months I probably won't take any jobs on.
When I do work, Sarah's mum will look after Hannah. It sounds like a good set-up but I am worried about how Sarah will cope. She's been with Hannah 24 hours a day for the last four months and I know she'll miss her dreadfully. I don't want her to be resentful of me being the one at home. What can I do to help?
Dr Pat Spungin says: 'You are already helping a lot by being sensitive to your wife's feelings. It will be a hard time for her - not only will she be leaving her baby, she'll also have to fit back into her working life. But there is an upside - knowing that it's you at home looking after Hannah - someone who loves her as much as she does - will make returning to work easier. Even though you'll both be tired at the end of the day, make sure you tell her all about what Hannah's been doing when she gets home. And try and influence the baby's schedule so she's not just about to go to sleep when Sarah walks in. Spending as much time as possible with Hannah and keeping informed about what she's doing will help prevent your wife from feeling left out.
Dr Pat Spungin is founder of www.raising kids.co.uk
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