Is one child enough?
Does an only child mean a lonely child? Not according to the mothers we spoke to, and they are tired of the bad press they get for being one child families. We explore the single child syndrome and take a look at the pros and cons...
All for one
Each time Michele Alexander is asked, "When will you be having another baby?" she smiles politely and says she doesn't know - but feels angry inside.
38-year-old Michele, mum to Sam, 20 months, is not planning on having any more
kids, but she she says she
dare not point this out any more for fear of further disapproval from friends and colleagues.
These days, it seems no sooner have you had one child when people start to wonder when you will be having the next one. But not all of us hanker after the model family of two kids. For many, one child is enough. It may be a question of financial necessity, medical difficulties, age, a traumatic experience the first time around or a straightforward matter of personal choice.
In America, almost 14 per cent of women aged 18-34 plan to have just one child and this figure is rising. This figure is backed by the Family Policy Studies Centre, which claims that women in the UK are having fewer children when they embark on motherhood, and that we are seeing a decline overall in the number of children being born.
Yet, even in this day and age when more and more people are choosing to be single child families, it seems there is still a stigma attached to this decision. Parents are often criticised for being selfish - saying that the child will be lonely or spoilt without siblings.
"I get so annoyed when people ask me when Sam will have a brother or sister," says Michele. "They just assume we are going to and I find their questions intrusive. I've given up telling them we actually feel one is enough because of the disapproval that brings."
Michele, a sales manager and husband Keith, 36, who struggled to conceive for four and a half years, say their son is much-wanted and loved - and he makes their family complete. And this is true for many families - while some really want to stay with one child, others have no choice because they started their family late or have medical complications.
"We would not have the time for another child," says Michele. "We would have to split ourselves in two. Having Sam is a dream come true as we thought we may never have any, let alone one."
"Friends have told me you've got to have another one - if anything happens to Sam, you won't have any more. I find this attitude strange and remarkable. You can't decide how many children to have in case something happens to one of them."
And despite coming from a family of three children herself, Michele does not feel Sam is missing out on the special bond only having a brother or sister can bring. "Sam is in no way disadvantaged. We have time for him, he has lots of friends at nursery and because we are more financially secure than if we had any more kids, we can afford holidays together. As he gets older, we will be able to take a friend along too.
"As far as I am concerned there are no cons of having just one child. Both my husband and myself come from families of three children and we don't believe Sam is missing out - there's no guarantee you will be close. You may be virtual strangers by the time you are grown up. Many brothers and sisters send Christmas cards and have the odd phone call now and again, and that's it."
'I can't risk having postnatal depression again'
For Jenny Wells, 25, there is no question of having any more children. Jenny has suffered with depression ever since being pregnant with Matthew, now aged 15 months, and says she cannot face making it any worse.
Jenny has rebuilt her life since Matthew was born. Thanks to treatment and a part-time job, the future looks much brighter, but she says she would not want to return to the darkest days of her serious and prolonged bout of the baby blues.
She says: "I love Matthew dearly and we have a great time together now, but after he was born I found it difficult to cope. I had to learn to take one day at a time and was under a psychiatrist.
"I had a very traumatic birth with forceps and it weighed heavy on my mind.
For the sake of my own and my child's health, I won't be having any more
children."
Pros and cons of having just one child
Pros:
- More time to spend together
- Less expensive
- Potentially fewer family arguments
- There's no need for hand-me-down clothes and toys
- Only one pregnancy and birth!
Cons:
- No special sibling bonds
- May feel lonely at times, eg on holidays, rainy weekends etc
- It can be difficult to keep them amused as toddlers - brothers or sisters can help!
- An only child may be more spoiled than one with brother or sisters
- No companionship from siblings in later life
Where to next?
- Family size. What's right for you?
- Are you a new parent? Check our advice on areas such as health, money, relationships and work
- Talk to other parents on our discussion forums
- Need to talk to a babyworld expert? Send us your question
