Caroline's story: 'I had a missed miscarriage'"In November 1996 we discovered that I was pregnant with our first baby. We were naturally delighted, and even when I had a little bleeding at six weeks I was not concerned. The doctor sent me for a scan, primarily to check the dates, and we were really looking forward to our first sight of the baby. The scan was done at six and a half weeks. They told us that the bleeding I'd had was 'probably bad news'. The baby was a week behind my dates and there was no heartbeat. As my dates were a bit uncertain, and the heart only starts to beat around that stage anyway, they suggested doing another scan two weeks later to see what had happened. We saw our GP that evening who told us it sounded very negative and I might miscarry in the meantime. That was just before Christmas. After Christmas, at eight weeks, we had the second scan. The baby had grown, not as much as they had expected, however they did detect a slow heart beat. We were delighted. I'd had more bleeding so was convinced I had lost it, this news made us feel it would be ok. A further scan was booked to check on the baby's progress. On 13th January 1997, my mum’s birthday, when I was 11 weeks, I had another scan. This time there was no sign of the baby. They told me I'd had a 'missed miscarriage'. The baby had died but my body hadn't rejected the remnants. We were devastated. I went back for to have the baby removed two days later. It was hard waiting for the operation, but on the other hand it helped us to accept it a bit more. "Before I went in for the operation, I sat with my hands on my tummy and said 'goodbye baby', and cried. It felt so unfair to lose our first baby. For the next few days I felt I was handling it quite well, but on the fifth day I went back to work and it was way too soon - I was hit by a bout of baby blues. I ended up having three weeks off work before I could cope emotionally. "We had been so excited about the baby that we had told everyone I was expecting. Some people found it awkward when we lost the baby and didn't mention it at all. Others offered their sympathies. It was much easier talking to people who had acknowledged the miscarriage rather than those who tried to ignore it. For us, it was a bereavement, a death in the family, but not everyone realised that that's how it feels. There was one awkward moment with a friend who rang up a few months later and asked how the pregnancy was going. On the whole, though, I was glad that everyone knew - it would have been so much harder to cope if I'd been hiding it from everyone rather than getting their support. It hit me much more than my husband. It affected my next two pregnancies as well. I had a very understanding GP who sent me for early scans to reassure me the babies were OK, but I was quite angry that the miscarriage had ruined pregnancy, making it a time of worry and fear rather than excitement and wonderment. Again, because the miscarriage is no secret, people were a lot more supportive of us when we had worries and concerns. We did keep the next two pregnancies secret until after the scans though, largely to avoid people worrying on our behalf and ringing to see how I was. "My husband had a very serious accident a few months after the miscarriage. I would have been eight months pregnant. He spent a month in intensive care on life support and was off work for three months altogether. If I hadn't lost the baby, he would have missed the birth and missed out on much of the early weeks of the baby's life, and I wouldn't have been able to support him as he recovered. That helped me accept the miscarriage more, it made me feel it happened for a reason. As it was, I was only three months pregnant when he had the accident, and by the time baby arrived, he was back at work and able to support us." |
