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Bringing up an IVF baby
Other people's expectationsParents who undergo IVF and other procedures feel that they are treated differently, not just through the tentative months of pregnancy but also once the baby or babies are born. Such parents feel they are expected to be eternally grateful for having their dream realised by medical science, whereas having babies is something most of us simply take for granted and as a right. Samantha had four attempts at IVF. The first treatment gave her a little girl, the final IVF resulted in twin boys. Her family is now complete, but Samantha explains that she felt she never had a right to be miserable or unhappy with motherhood. "I got the impression that because I had children through IVF, I should always be happy," she says. "We paid a lot of money out and went through a lot to have them, so people tended to think that I should always have a smile on my face but it can be very hard work with my one-year-old twin boys and a four-year-old girl." This expectation of the all-singing, all-dancing happy mother is hard to live up to in practice, with the realities of colic, sleepless nights, and teething – alongside the huge sense of responsibility. Despite increasing numbers of successful treatments, mothers themselves feel that prevention of infertility is better than cure. Some successfully treated mothers find, difficult as it is to admit, that motherhood is not all it’s cracked up to be – babies are not a route to 100 per cent fulfilment. Moral judgementsMoral judgements about fertility are commonplace, and often expressed vociferously. General attitudes to fertility are often irrational – it's 'unnatural' not to want children, yet it's also 'unnatural' to try to achieve them by whatever means possible. After trying unsuccessfully for a baby for nearly five years, Valerie had a difficult time during her first pregnancy following IVF treatment, but gave birth to a son. Two years later, she wanted a second child and this time pregnancy was very straightforward. But she remains aggrieved by general attitudes to IVF: "It makes me so cross to hear people saying IVF is wrong, that it's interfering with nature. The criticism seems to come from people who either don’t want children or who have babies easily. "How could anyone look at my boys and tell me what we did was wrong? These people seem to have no idea of what it's like to want a baby so badly, only to find that it seems an impossible dream." Infertility treatments will increase in number and success; not as an easy option, but an expensive, often painful route taken by those who desperately want to be parents. Can those who have not been through the IVF process really sit in judgement? Where to next?
Dawn Robinson-Walsh is co-author of Infertility & IVF – facts & feelings from patients' perspectives, Scarlet Press, London, 1998.
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IVF
is in the news again, as a surrogate mother carrying twins sues the
American couple who have backed out on the agreement. This controversy
raises many questions, not least how the twins will be affected when
they are born. In this feature, we focus on how parents cope with the
pressures of having an IVF baby. 
