 Hands off my bump!
Why is it that your body becomes public property
the minute your bump shows? You may not be Davina McCall, but everyone
still wants to touch your tummy and ask how much you weigh. Joanna
Moorhead looks at how to handle the space invaders...
It wasn't exactly the question on everyone's lips as Big Brother contestant
Helen Adams, runner-up in the latest series, was released from the house.
"How's the bump?" she screeched, as expectant presenter Davina McCall led
her down to the studio. With 100 flashbulbs popping around them and the nation glued to their TV sets, pregnancy was probably the last thing
Davina wanted to have a conversation about. "The bump's fine," she said, in
a shut-up-about-it-now kind of voice. And Helen did.
To be fair, Davina had it coming: if you don't want to spend all evening
talking about your pregnancy, lesson number one is don't draw attention to
it. So wearing a glittery T-shirt proclaiming 'Big Mutha' across your chest
was probably the teeniest bit red rag to a bull. Especially as Helen
loves glitter! Next time, Davina, I'd go for the cover-up.
The trouble is, as Davina McCall and every other visibly pregnant woman
knows, having a baby means that everyone knows your business - and an awful lot
of them want to talk about it. Everyone recognises that having a baby is right
up there as one of the Big Life Events, along with getting hitched, getting
divorced, moving house and changing jobs. But the major difference between
all these other personal mega-happenings and having a baby is that no one outside your trusted circle need know. Contrast
to being pregnant, where everyone you meet - from the dustbin man to the friend of a friend you're
introduced to in the pub to your boss - is immediately
aware of your most intimate secret.
And it's not just one secret, it's several. Number one, obviously, every
stranger you meet knows you're having a baby; number two, they know you
are - or until very recently, were - probably in some kind of relationship
and number three, they know you're sexually active.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, knowing so much (and yet so little) about
you seems to make every stranger you meet feel that they have the automatic right
to ask all sorts of intimate questions. "We met some people at dinner not
long ago and within ten minutes of our arrival I was being asked when I'd
conceived the baby!" says my friend Paula. "Other people have asked all
sorts of very personal information like what antenatal tests I'd had, what
I'd have done if the results had been bad, that sort of thing. I'm afraid I
react very badly to it - I just don't see why being pregnant should give
people you hardly know carte blanche to grill you on your deepest moral
beliefs and personal circumstances."
Some strangers even - oh travesty - think they have the right to touch,
actually touch, your tum. In any other circumstances being touched within
seconds of meeting someone in a pub would have you screaming that you'd been
assaulted, but for some reason when you're pregnant you're expected to grin
and bear it and pretend it's OK. Strange that amidst those groaning rails of
cringe-making sloganised T-shirts so beloved of maternity wear shops there aren't any that
proclaim 'Just leave it alone'. Next time Davina has the chance to flash a
message to the nation on her pregnant abdomen, perhaps she'd consider
something along those lines.
And what is it about pregnancy that makes everyone think they can weigh in
with a view or a question? "Someone I've met a couple of times asked me last
week whether it was a planned pregnancy!" splutters Paula. "Why is it that the
rules of polite conversation seem to go out of the window when you're having a
baby - it's as though you should be prepared to answer any question, however
intrusive."
Psychologist Dr Josephine Green of the Mother and Infant Research Unit at
Leeds University agrees that there does seem to be some kind of breakdown in
what we'd consider the norms of polite conversation when it comes to talking
to pregnant women. "Perhaps it's because so much is obvious about you and
it leads complete strangers to feel they have a right to talk about all sorts
of things they usually wouldn't," she says. "Having said that, it's also true
that especially the first time you're pregnant, you often do like to be
noticed and to have people give you a bit of extra attention."
Perhaps the moral of the tale is that we can't have it both ways. And when
the worst comes to the worst and you're faced with an outrageous question
or an unwanted prod, you can always console yourself with the thought that
it's done with the friendliest possible intentions!
- Don't talk about your pregnancy all day, every day if you don't
want it to be the focus of attention
- If you can't stand being prodded, tell people your bump is really
uncomfortable and ask them to leave it alone
- If you get asked a question about being pregnant, answer it
as briefly as possible and move on to another subject
1 So does Pete still fancy you
now you're the size of a bus?
2 You're huge - how much weight have you put on?
3 You're huge - you must be carrying twins? (you're not)
4 How on earth do you find a bra to fit?
5 So what happened on the night of conception then?
6 What will you do if your baby is born handicapped?
7 Does the sex feel different?
8 Did it take long to conceive?
9 Aren't you supposed to be blooming now?
10 But I thought Dave had a vasectomy? (he had)
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