Talking about tragedy
With the events in New York hanging over us and the threat of more atrocities to come it's no wonder that parents are wondering how and what to tell the children.
Tammy Cohen explains what to do when something as awful as this happens...
Of the millions of Britons who sat glued to the horror unfolding live on our television screens on Tuesday 11 September, a good proportion were small children. For once our parental instinct to protect our youngsters from what is frightening or sad crumbled in the face of our own undisguisable shock and television images that were impossible to avoid. With even babies affected by the tension around them, many parents were faced with the agonising decision of whether, and how much, to tell.
- How much do you tell them?
- How much should you let them watch?
- How will your child react?
- Questions, questions
- In a nutshell
- Where to next?
As parents, our immediate reaction to terrible events is to shield our children from them. But in the case of the New York disaster - with kids' programmes replaced by live footage of devastation and most adults transfixed by the images - this proved largely impossible.
Mother of two, Sarah Holden, decided that honesty was the best policy with her two children, aged two and four. "I tried to explain what was going on and why everyone was so upset. I don't know whether I did the right thing because the older one got quite anxious, but I wanted them to know something momentous was happening."
But are we frightening our children unnecessarily by telling them the truth about a situation way beyond their or our control? Julie Stokes, consultant clinical psychologist and chief executive of Winston's Wish, a children's bereavement charity, thinks not.
"The basic message is that children are never too young to know," she says bluntly. "As long as they trust whoever is talking to them, and the information is given in words they can understand, they can cope."
However, warns Julie Stokes, there are several key pointers in talking to young children about horrifying true events:
- Stress that it is a highly unusual situation and nothing like it has happened before.
- Reassure them that people will learn from this so that it shouldn't happen again.
- Engage them in problem-solving so they don't feel it's out of their control. Pose questions like: what do you think will happen with planes in the future?
How much should you let them watch?
"My five-year-old seemed to see the footage of the building collapsing as some sort of blockbuster movie," recalls Geraldine Norton. "But when they showed eye witnesses sobbing and describing people jumping out of windows, he got quite upset."
Julie Stokes believes that most young children will be largely unaffected by images of buildings bursting into flame, indistinguishable from many Hollywood action thrillers.
"But when they start showing funerals taking place, particularly with children crying, be ready for them to start asking questions."
General guidelines for parents worried about how much to let their children see include:
- Make sure you're with them when they watch so that if something distressing comes on, you can explain it and let them come up with their own conclusions.
- Put yourself in your child's mind. Explain any words that are unfamiliar like 'terrorist'. This is vital for developing trust and communication.
- Despite politcians' rhetoric, be careful to talk in terms of evil acts rather than evil people - an important distinction for impressionable children.
How will your child react?
Babies and younger children probably won't understand what is happening, but will pick up on your mood and might become more clingy, needing plenty of hugs and reassurance.
Older children might become anxious about their own safety. Juliet Burns admits to having mishandled talking to her eight-year-old about the New York tragedy.
"Everyone was watching the initial footage at the tennis club with the sound down and my son made some joke about the World Trade Centre not being that nice a building anyway. I was so mortified by his insensitivity that I rammed home just how important an event this was and that the repercussions could lead to
another world war. I then had to spend the whole evening reassuring
him that he wasn't about to die."
According to Julie Stokes, it's not uncommon for children to make jokes when faced with a tragic situation. "If children see an adult upset, they'll change the subject or make a joke to try to diffuse the situation. So don't be surprised if they say something that sounds insensitive.
"And children are largely egocentric, so they will bring everything back to themselves. They'll want to know if there's a war, will they be killed?
"If your child is seriously worried or having nightmares, you could try getting them to write or dictate a letter to Tony Blair or your local MP articulating their concerns. That way they are literally handing over their worries to someone who is paid to deal with it. "
Questions, questions
Inevitably, a shocking event like the destruction of the World Trade Centre is going to trigger questions from your child, some of them awkward. Bear in mind:
- Small children will always relate any situation back to themselves. If they ask what would happen to them if you went to work and died like the people on television, don't dismiss it. Tell them it's very unlikely, but explain what would happen if it did - they want to be reassured that they won't be left waiting alone in the playground.
- Don't be afraid of 'death' questions. Remember, children find the finality of death very difficult. If you don't have religious beliefs, talk about how people live on in our hearts so they don't feel all connection is severed.
- Take advantage of the opportunity to open lines of communication between you and your child. Answer their questions honestly, in terms they can understand.
- Reassure them that this is a highly unusual event and we will learn from it so it doesn't happen again.
- Sit down with your children if they are watching the news so you can explain distressing images.
- Don't dismiss children's worries about a similar thing happening to you or them.
- Use this as an opportunity for talking about death and different ideas about what happens after a person dies.
- Hand them back some control by asking them questions about issues raised in the news and how they would go about solving them.
Winston's Wish can help with any aspect concerning children and bereavement either general or specific. Contact the helpline on 0845 2030405 (Mon-Fri, 9-5) or visit its website.
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