Bring on the men

As any regular visitor to our Discuss Debate and Deliberate forum knows, there are certain parenting topics guaranteed to ruffle a few feathers. We decided to put them to a couple of fathers, Mark and Carl, to see if they get as hot under the collar as women…

• Breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding
• Co-sleeping, yay or nay?
• The sleep issue
• Real nappies or disposables?
• Who's looking after the kids?

Breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding

Question: Should mums try as hard as they can to breastfeed even if it's causing them pain and they want to give up? What would your stance be on this: would you encourage your partner to carry on if she's finding it tough?

Mark: "If mums can, I support it but if it's too much I would also support them giving up or perhaps suggest some breast pumping for the first month or two, until the baby's immune system is in better shape and their mouth is bigger."

Carl: "It's one of those things where you have to try to judge what's best for your wife: if she wants support to help her carry on doing it, then fine. Alternatively, if she wants support to be able to stop then I would help her in that."

Very commendable. But what if she said from the start that she just didn't want to breastfeed? Would you try to make her change her mind in light of all the evidence of the benefits of breastfeeding?

Mark: "I would suggest trying for a while but would back down in argument!"

Carl: "Obviously, breast is best but it has to be the mum's decision ultimately."

Co-sleeping, yay or nay?

Question: What are your thoughts on co-sleeping? Is it good for the child or not? And what about the parents and their relationship?

Mark: "It depends on the child, I think, as some children need the emotional support of cuddling and some seem to sleep well without. There is a huge divide in our society between the 'facilitators', who are likely to end up bed-sharing at some point, and the 'controllers', who seem to think it is the first step on the road to moral turpitude. This reflects very deep assumptions about whether babies are vulnerable little things that need all the help they can get because they don't understand what's going on (facilitators: in most cultures outside our own I suspect) or whether they are manipulative demons who need controlling (controllers: my mum and he majority in Anglo Saxon cultures I suspect).

"Children won't want to share the bed when they are 16 so why worry for a year or two? In terms of your relationship with your partner, I suppose your sex life and everything else will suffer but what did we have them for then? It means you find out how strong your relationship is and if it can adapt to changes and new personalities. I would love to write a book on this great divide as it seems to polarise much of what I feel about what is good and bad in our society. The trouble is I'm too tired now and when I'm older it will seem less important I'm sure!"

Carl: "Generally the less amount of co-sleeping the better! It's good for the child to get their independence and better for the couple to sleep without a child in the bed. It means more time away from parenting rather than feeling they're with you 24/7. Also, having my daughter in bed with us disturbs my sleep; she fidgets and I can't relax. I do agree though that it can depend on the child; mine is happiest in her own bed."

The sleep issue

Question: Here's the old controversy over whether to 'let them cry' or practise 'controlled crying' or doing whatever gives you peace! What did you do to try to get your child sleeping through? What are your views on this? Do you follow routines generally?

Mark: "We followed bedtime routines, which were good for getting our daughters off to sleep, but gave up any attempt at keeping them when our sleep became too disrupted when the girls reached about one year in age. Bed-sharing seemed to give everyone more or less a full night's sleep. Controlled crying seemed too cruel for us. We found the theory of keep putting them in their cots and patting or holding them was OK for a while, and much kinder, but it did not ultimately work at keeping them in their cots all night, even after months of trying. Our two had lots of pain with teething and other factors, which did not help."

Carl: "Following a bedtime routine is a helpful way of getting our daughter to sleep; we started it when she was young and still have a strong routine now. In the early days, when she was six months old and we wanted to get her sleeping through the night, we tried the 'leave them to cry technique' once or twice but on both occasions, there was something genuinely wrong with her so it was hopeless. We tried controlled crying, where we would leave her for increasingly longer periods of time before going in to see her, and it was successful in the end, though it took ages to crack. However, it was quite distressing to my wife and I because listening to our daughter crying was very upsetting. If we had another one, though, I imagine we would do the same again with the controlled crying."

Real nappies or disposables?

Question: Which did you choose and why? Are parents who don't make an effort to use reusables negligent and lazy? Are parents who use them holier than thou?

Mark: "We try to use eco-friendly disposables but often use ordinary disposables and feel guilty…"

Carl: "The ease and convenience of disposable nappies is great and you have to weigh that up against any environmental differences between them and the reusables. We also found the biodegradable ones were a good way of trying to be environmentally friendly and convenient. To be honest, if you're using a washing service, there's probably only a limited environmental benefit to using real nappies. If you wash them at home, then it must be better but can you take on that extra time and effort? It's down to each couple to make their own decision and not to judge other people on their choice."

Who's looking after the kids?

Question: Until a child is old enough to go to school, do you think one of the parents should stay at home with them, rather than sending them to a childminder or nursery? There have been some accusations that parents who both work are more concerned about their material wellbeing than their children's.

Mark: "Again, his will depend on the child and their parents' circumstances. If handled well, the baby probably won't notice much if they go to some form of childcare and they will be OK if they have one or more mummy substitute that they know, especially if it's on a part time basis. In my opinion, the ideal would be to have a childminder or nanny; a nanny is probably best as they work in the home."

Carl: "It's very good for a child to go to a nursery or similar, where they can interact with other children of their age. I imagine that it helps their social skills later on if they have been in that situation from a young age, rather than being thrown in when they are three or four. Even if they are not forming friendships, they will be learning things from watching and listening to other children. The ideal situation is a mixture between time at home and at nursery or similar because it's balance between family time with one or both parents and time with other children. I also think that even if a mum or dad stays at home all the time, one or two sessions at nursery is good as it gives them some time for themselves rather than being a parent 24/7."

Where to next?

• Share your views on these and other topics on our forum!
• What makes a good dad? Check out our article here
• Talk to other fathers on our forum!