"I'm going to be a mum!"

<< continued from page 1

Millions of women shout this out when their pregnancy test proves positive and Babyworld moderator Carole desperately wanted to join the club. However, seven years down the line, she and husband Andy decided to give up on IVF and FET and give adoption a go. This is the story of their journey to date and the proclamation of a sentence Carole once doubted she would ever be able to say.

• In the beginning
• A new chapter
• Goodbye dear diary
• The ups and downs
• Taking a breather
• "You will be snatched up by the social workers!"
• Passing the time
• "We are approved adoptive parents!"

Carole, or CleBon, as she as affectionately known on Babyworld due to her obsession with Duran Duran frontman Simon, had been trying for a baby with husband Andy for seven years when the possibility of adoption occurred to them. After unsuccessful and heartbreaking attempts at IVF and FET (frozen embryo transfers), it seemed unlikely that the baby they so longed for was going to come along and adoption offered a possible solution to their problem, as Carole explained in her first adoption diary entry on 3 November 2004.

"It has always been so important to me to become pregnant. I think, after seven years, it becomes an obsession but having spoken to Andy, we feel that we just want to be parents now and if I can't have it wrapped up in a pretty bow-tied box, then so be it - I'll take as much as I can."

Like many other potential adoptive parents, Carole and Andy wanted to adopt a baby. However, they were told that their chances were pretty slim, and one local authority said they would only consider the couple for a school-aged child. "After talking about this, we have decided that we may want to adopt a sibling group of two - hopefully a baby and a toddler," Carole revealed in her diary. "Although this will be hard work at the beginning, and the adjustment may be somewhat challenging, we have always wanted two children and by the time we get through this process, I could be 39 so it would save us having to go through the process again."

The adoption process these days is notoriously and necessarily drawn-out: so different to old movies, where prospective parents strolled into orphanages and pointed to the child they most liked the look of. Nowadays, it can take up to a year for a hopeful couple to even be invited onto a training course but fortune smiled on Carole and Andy and they received their initial interview on 6 December 2004, only a month after starting the process.

Despite their understandable nerves before the interview, it all went well. The Social Worker revealed all Carole and Andy needed to know about the process, including the potential problems they could face as adoptive parents. "She emphasised the fact about behavioural problems and the kind of child we would be taking on, and I must admit I must admit it is scary." However, the good news was that despite the potential wait of up to a year to get onto the preparatory course, Andy and Carole were told, to their delight that, if they were accepted, their course would start either in January or March.

As 2005 dawned, Carole's mood was more buoyant than normal, as she revealed in her new year's day diary entry. "New year, new hope. Usually I feel down this time of year: another year gone by and not a sniff of a pregnancy. But this year, I do have renewed hope and even a little excitement as to what the year ahead is going to bring. Andy and I have been talking about our adoption plans and the more we talk, the more it feels right. We have had a few blips of doubt and am sure we'll have a lot more over the next year, but that's understandable.

"So let's hope that 2005 continues on a positive note and that I can put the past seven years of grief and upset behind me. It's not all been bad. My husband and I have gotten so much out of this big lesson in life: we are 100 per cent stronger, happier, more in love and I know it's down to the heartache we've been through. We truly are grateful for each other."

Several weeks down the line, Carole and Andy still hadn't heard any news from their social worker. The wait was understandably frustrating for the couple and inevitably doubts and worries started creeping in. On the one hand, they could be realising their long-held dream of having children, but on the other what if this wrecked the good life they had built for each other as a couple?

"Adoption is so scary and daunting, yet exciting and wonderful," admitted Carole in a post on an adoption forum. "One day I feel it is the best challenge I have ever faced, the next I fear it might wreck my life. My husband and I have done a damn good job over the last seven years to create a good life for US, so that we can get through every month of disappointment. We've convinced ourselves life is great without kids and our freedom is precious. And it's worked to a degree. The tears have stopped, the worry has stopped and the yearning (to a degree) has stopped. But I think this is mostly due to the fact that we have decided to adopt - it's like a something has been released, no more fighting.

"But then again, we have a very nice life, and could a child with certain problems wreck that life!? I don't know. I don't know if a birth child would wreck our life. All I know, is that infertility (albeit unexplained) has made me resilient and I feel like I can get through anything… and will be taking each step a day at a time."

On April 13 2005, Carole made the momentous decision to stop writing in her 'trying to conceive' diary in order to try to fully embrace the reality of adoption, as a little part of her was also still vaguely hoping for the positive pregnancy result she so longed for. "God, how do I feel that I may never carry my own child?!" she asked. "I just can't think about it but I know the social worker will bring it up… and I will have to give her an answer. Andy and I can't see ourselves going through life childless so I guess that is our answer!"

All was quiet for a while until 21 April 2005, when a letter arrived inviting Carole and Andy to an adoption profile day. "This adoption process is like the bus service… nothing for ages and then they all turn up at once!" Carole wrote. "We could go on one later in the year, but at least this will give us a bit of background. Also, they go through details of the kind of children they have available at the moment. Obviously, this won't be relevant to us, but it will be interesting to see. Please, please let there be a baby or some young children. I can't help it, but I so want a baby... it's my favourite stage, and it's bad enough missing out on the pregnancy."

On 3 June 2005, Carole and Andy attended their first adoption workshop. "We really gelled as a group, and the social workers were really pleased with our input and interaction. There was no dictating from the social workers; they were really approachable and friendly, and really made you feel like they wanted and needed you too! I felt I was a really strong candidate to be honest, as did Andy: we really felt like we had a lot to offer."

The following session was equally successful for Carole and Andy, although the content surrounding the neglect and abuse that the children they might adopt might have endured was harrowing. However, this only strengthened Carole's resolve to adopt a child. "It made Andy and I realise that we just wanted to scoop one of these children up in our arms and whisk them off to a loving home, where they can be safe, loved, and have some guidance in life. And I can honestly say that if I got pregnant at any stage, I would come back to this and adopt anyway."

Shortly after starting their course, Andy and Carole went away on a weekend break to relax and spend some quality time together. What started off as a fantastic time was soon marred, unfortunately, by a careless mistake at the hotel where they were meant to spend their last night.

"We walked into the hotel room and..... ooooomph... right in the gut: there we were, staring at a wooden, in your dreams, baby's cot. Right by the side of our bed. What a mistake to make. Of ALL the hotel rooms they could have made that mistake in, it had to be ours. So, that was that. I got all upset, Andy got upset that I was upset and we argued. We woke up the next morning in silence and drove home. We would have complained, but what's the point? To them it was just a minor error. But for me, it was a kick in the stomach, just another thing on this long and rocky road that is there to test you and ruin your happy times."

On 22 June, Carole updated her diary on her 37th birthday, revealing how the final days of her adoption course had gone. A mixed bag, in the end; a positive experience but one that left them feeling unsure of the future and prepared for disappointment. "The manager came in for the last hour and told us that there are currently 20-30 couples waiting for children aged 0-2 years old. It was like being hit in the gut. After having quite a positive experience, I thought, 'Why am I here then?'. They knew the age range we wanted, so why were we invited onto the course if it's not possible?! She also said that they were going to stop recruiting for that age range, so I don't even know if we're just in with a chance or not!"

A month later, on 19 July, Carole and Andy received a letter from the adoption team saying that their first session with their assigned social worker would take place the following week. While this was a sign of progress, Carole and Andy were unsure of their feelings about it all: was this the right time in life for them? Would there ever be a right time? In addition, Carole had broken her leg and Andy had recently been promoted so they felt that the intensive six-week assessment had come at the wrong time for them and that they needed a bit of a breather to get their heads together.

Carole was obviously worried that a request for a delay in proceedings would damage their chances of adopting but was reassured that it wouldn't, as her diary entry on 20 July revealed. "I expressed my concerns about not being able to adopt a child aged 0-2 years and the social worker said that they will always need people to adopt all ages and if you are suited to that age, they will take you on. I think this meant that we were deemed to be good candidates for that age! So she has suggested that we still meet with our assigned social worker to chat to her about it all and while she carries out all the checks and stuff we just put the assessment on hold until she has time to continue with us."

The meeting with their assigned social worker went extremely well; in fact, the social worker respected Carole and Andy's request to wait until they were at a better point in their lives to take on this next important step. "I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders and can now relax for a few months, get my leg better and start the process when we are both committed and have space clear in our heads," wrote Carole. And, on 3 September 2005, she and Andy sent off the letter to confirm that they wanted to start home study as soon as possible.

As luck would have it, their assigned social worker had been off on long-term sick leave and would not be able to take their case forward until November at the earliest. The opportunity was there for Carole and Andy to transfer to another social worker but they decided that the wait was fine if it meant staying with someone they worked well with. And they didn't have to wait long. On 25 October 2005, the couple heard that they could start their home study in November.

The first session, on 15 November 2005, provided a gentle introduction to what lay ahead and consisted mainly of admin and talking about their support network. The second session carried on in a similar vein, examining Carole's and Andy's relationship, which Carole even likened to "free therapy". The next two sessions of home study involved one-on-one talks with the social worker about Carole and Andy's backgrounds and upbringing.

After an extended break for Christmas, and a holiday near the Red Sea, Carole and Andy had their next set of 'tests' for adoption: medical examinations. Andy thought the Dr was talking to the wrong person when he said that he had suffered from epilepsy, asthma and heart murmur as a child and his mother was no help in clearing up any misunderstandings as she had no clue what he was talking about either. Carole, however, passed with flying colours, except for her choice of underwear. "Mine was 100 per cent, except the bit where I forgot to put decent underwear on and found myself bending over touching my toes with the Doc stood behind me.. and my big, white ar*e starting at him.... how mortifying! Note to self: think next time!"

Towards the end of January, they started their home study again, talking about their infertility and then about whether they would consider adopting a baby from another ethnic background to their own. With each session, Andy and Carole's excitement and apprehension increased, as Carole admitted in a diary entry. "We are hoping for a few more months after, or if, we're approved to save up as much money as possible. We have to pay off a credit card, change all the internal doors in the house, do the bathroom AND save up for potentially having to buy stuff for two children within a space of three or so weeks! How scary. Anyway, we'll do as much as we can: that's all we can do. If the bathroom isn't done, then so what, we will be a family won't we? That's all that matters!"

On 8 February 2006, Carole and Andy finished their last home study session on a very positive note, as Carole relayed in her entry. "Our social worker's exact words were: 'If you are thinking of booking a holiday, book it as soon after your panel date as possible... because when the next influx of babies/small children arrive, you will be snapped up by the social workers'! We were gobsmacked."

After this, life carried on as normal. Carole took up a new exercise craze - hula hoping - which she had to abandon because it hurt her back, and the couple went on a luxury canal boat holiday with friends. Mother's Day came and went, though Carole hoped that it would be her last one without kids. "I feel drained having been around all those Mums and knowing that it should have been my turn nine years ago. It doesn't happen very often now, but it still hovers over you like a black cloud with 'FAILURE' written in it. Not that I feel a failure any more, far from it, but those past feelings come back to haunt you on days like these."

Leading up to the panel interview in April, Carole and Andy had to compile a special family album for their prospective son or daughter. "It was very strange putting 'This is your Forever Mummy and Daddy', almost like we've just gone mad and have no grip on normality!" Carole admitted. "It just doesn't feel real yet but I'm glad that it is done."

In the days leading up to the panel interview, Carole became overwhelmed and extremely touched by the amount of support she received from family and friends, both in real life and the mates she met on Babyworld and other forums. Then finally, on 27 April, the big day came.

Carole recalled how nervous she and Andy were. "It all looked so daunting. The panel members were all sat around a table and, after introducing themselves, said they had very few questions to ask. The first question was:

"Carole - it says in your Form F that you are not a very good cook. What do you propose to do to rectify this?" I literally had to stop myself from laughing. I said "Well, it's not that I CAN'T cook, I can cook - I just don't do the entertainment three-course meal thing!". I think this was a joke question!

Second question was:

"You have been assessed for quite a big age range (0-5). Can you explain why and how you would cope with being linked with either end of the range?". Andy said that we had been assessed for a wide range because of our experience and that it held things open for us if a younger child didn't come up. I then said that we had a lot of experience of all ages of children, due to having nieces and nephews from 0-18 years. I said that our latest nephew is 5 and we've looked after him over many weekends since he was born. I also said that we had to be honest, and that we would ideally love as young a child as possible so that we can have input into the child's life from early on.

"Then they asked us how we'd cope with two, if we were matched. I said that we have always seen ourselves with two children and although it would be ideal to adopt two separately, if the right two come along, then we will be happy with that.

"We were then asked to leave the room. Five minutes later, the Adoption Chairlady came out and said, 'Unanimous decision, you will make excellent adoptive parents and we are delighted to recommend your approval'. She also said (and this is the best bit) that they all really appreciated our honesty and said that they have recommended that we are linked with the youngest child possible! I was absolutely gobsmacked with that, because I really thought we'd struggle to get a young child and now they are actually recommending that we are linked with one. I cannot believe it. That was when the tears started.

So... that's us. We are now practically approved adoptive parents: the official approval will come back within a week, and then all our paperwork will be sorted so that we can be matched. I cannot believe it. I really can't. We are over the moon."

Carole and Andy are now waiting to welcome one or two little ones into their lives to become a bigger family. While the past nine years have been emotionally fraught and difficult times, Carole is at pains to stress how the experience has strengthened their love for and commitment to each other. Whatever child or children are fortunate enough to be place with Andy and Carole will undoubtedly form part of a very loving and stable family: and what more could a child want than that?

"She who brings happiness" - the final instalment of Carole's adoption story

Where to next?

• Carole moderates the Adoption and Fostering forum: come here to talk to her and the others!
• Are you thinking about adoption? Read our feature to find out more about it.
• Read Carole's ongoing adoption diary here