Your shoutWe asked Babyworlders what it means to be maternal…
"It means being warm and affectionate""I've always thought my husband's mum is not very maternal; I'm trying to think exactly why. I suppose she is just not the most affectionate of women with regard to hugging and being touchy-feely, yet she is still very kind and thoughtful in more practical ways. Maternal to me means being warm, affectionate, finding it easy to give kisses and cuddles to your own and other children, having a general love for little ones, and I guess just more in touch with your emotions and being able to express them well? Although that's just my perception, I could well be wrong." Nicky "It's the urge to mother people""This is one of those 'hard-to-put-into-words-but-you-know-what-you-mean' things isn't it? I consider somebody to be 'maternal' if they have that urge to 'mother' people. The one who always watches out for children, be they hers or someone else's. Somebody who is very much in tune with children and responds instinctively to them. "I've always been very maternal, I think, and other people have often told me, even before I had children (and bear in mind I had mine very young). I can't help but look out for other children in the park or when we're out: I always watch to check a child is with an adult if they are looking a bit lost. Drives my husband mad but I've reunited a few with frantic parents so I think it's a good thing. I don't think it is just about enjoying being pregnant or liking babies, it's more about understanding children and knowing how to protect and nurture them." Sandra "It's the way you connect with children""I did assume being maternal was an instinct thing: something just inside. But my aunt - who I would have said is one of the least maternal people I know, has just had a baby and by all accounts is maternal. I think it must be a bit of both. I had friends growing up who would admit that they didn't have a maternal bone in their body and would never have children: they haven't. I always loved children, and from an early age would go up to babies and small children and just talk to them and say hello. I guess it's the way you interact with children, being aware of their needs and communicating with them. Maybe being maternal is just being able to connect with children. Or maybe it's a bit of both, something that is instinctive and something that is learnt." Em "It's knowing what your child needs or wants before anyone else""To me, being maternal is knowing what your child needs or wants before anyone else and before the child has said so. I can tell when Cameron is bored or scared, when everyone else can't see any difference in him. Also, I think being able to automatically hug, kiss and say I love you to them without a second's thought. If it's forced, I don't think that's maternal." Gem "It's having them because you want them""Now that is a tricky one to put into words; it is also tricky to explain my definition of maternal. I have always called myself 'maternal'; I have always been drawn to babies and children and couldn't wait, even at a young age, to have children. Whereas I guess some of my peers weren't like this. For instance, I saw a friend from school the other day (we are 26): she has just qualified to be a vet and studied for last eight years. She is now thinking about having children not because she is obsessed with them like I am but because she feels that is what she is supposed to do at 26! So in my reckoning she is not maternal! "Also I know plenty (too many) of women who have children as an accessory; they go to work full time and have a nanny spend every minute bringing their children up. Then anytime they get off work they are doing all they can to be away from their children! I do believe in maternal instinct: which should never be underestimated! But not everybody has it. Some people, through no fault of their own, feel they should have a step-by-step guide to everything and just don't trust their own judgement." Hayles "It's one of those things that doesn't have an answer""It's one of those things that doesn't really have an answer. I think the common view of being 'maternal' is having that longing for a baby or child and loving them at that baby stage. However, my neighbour is one of the best parents I know, yet can't stand babies. She doesn't know what to do with them. She has two boys who are now 10 and five and she loves the age they're at now. But when Hannah was born she wouldn't hold her, didn't know what to say about her or anything! I think for me, being maternal is the desire to be a parent and look after someone. I don't think you get less maternal the older the child gets, you just adapt to suit the age of the child." Tracy "It's being there for your child forever""I definitely wasn't maternal at all until I had my own. This is going to sound bad (but I'll say it anyway!) but before I got pregnant I was the least maternal person in the world. I didn't like children, never cooed over babies, had never changed a nappy, had never held a baby other than my little brother when I was eight years old. I just had no desire whatsoever to be around children. My sister-in-law casually hinted for me to babysit for her one night and I made excuses not to. When people told me they were pregnant I looked at them sympathetically, I couldn't understand why anyone would want a baby. Thankfully things changed. I don't think I learned to be maternal but I think some suppressed emotion just reared its head as soon as I saw my son at a 25-week scan. "I don't know how I would describe maternal. I think I'm maternal now in the respect that my son is my number-one priority; his health, wellbeing and happiness mean more to me than anything. I'm not just in it for the baby/toddler stage, I'm looking forward to seeing him growing up and only hope that I can be a good enough mother to help him develop into a decent young man and that I'll be supportive of whatever path he chooses." Sandie "It happens at different times for everyone""To me maternal isn't just about babies or toddlers or children it's about natural instinct and the desire to protect and nurture and care for another being (whatever their age). It's about knowing your child almost better than they know themselves, being able to pick up on the little things that tell you what they are thinking or feeling. Just because someone isn't maternal when they are younger doesn't mean it won't change when they have children: it happens at different times for everyone." Chamade "It doesn't exist""I don't see how there is a such thing as a 'maternal instinct'. Instincts are shared by a species, they are not specific to certain members of that species. Many women do not display this 'instinct' so I don't believe it actually exists as an inbuilt feature of human females. I think this myth that all women have a maternal instinct is what causes PND and guilt amongst a lot of new mums, who don't feel this rush or love towards their babies. The idea of a maternal instinct has been useful to society though as it's kept women subservient... just think of the attitudes towards women who leave their children compared to the attitudes towards men who do the same. On a lesser scale, it provokes people to criticise working mothers but not working fathers. "I think it's normal and natural for most parents to love their children. I don't think there is some magical formula attached though that only exists where a woman has been pregnant with that child and takes the form of an inbred 'instinct'. If that were true, adoptive parents or parents of children born from surrogacy would not bond with their children or feel the same overwhelming protectiveness and love for them... but they DO! Just as learning to love another adult is a learned 'art', so is learning to love your baby or child. Some women feel overwhelming love from the first pregnancy test, others don't. Hormones are only a very small part of the process of bonding. After all, women who formula-feed stop producing the hormones nature provides for bonding etc, yet they still bond with their babies!" Kelly "It's very individual""I can relate to what Sandra said. I think it's very difficult to define as well, and is very individual. I have known people who haven't got a 'maternal bone in their body' and yet as soon as they have had their children, they are. However, I don't think it automatically kicks in when you have a baby. Someone I worked with for a short amount of time told me she would have been the perfect person not to have been able to conceive as she hates kids and only had them because it was the next thing to do. I find that really sad. "Two close friends of mine aren't very maternal. One got pregnant accidentally and I would say still isn't that maternal... she loves her son, looks after him well, is affectionate - all the things a mother should be - but she isn't what I would describe as maternal at all. The other friend is so not maternal and never wants a child. "I, on the other hand, have always loved babies. I grew up with foster siblings and one of them was in my room when I was 14 years old. I got up with her at night and loved it. I nurture my nieces and nephews and they love being around me because I treat them with love, kindness and respect. I think it can definitely be learned... some people aren't comfortable with babies, because they haven't had the experience, or grown up around many children. How would they know if they are maternal or not, if they have never been around children?" Carole "It's being motherly, loving and patient""This is so hard to answer. I suppose I always thought of maternal as meaning motherly, loving and patient. I don't know if this is the 'right' way to see it, but it's a picture in my head. I'm not sure if I am maternal. I think I'm a good mother, but I'm not the most patient or 'motherly'. I have to work at it, it definitely doesn't come naturally, which is sad, and something I would love to change. I love my kids before everything and anyone else, but I have to work hard to show them that. I'm not very tactile although I try to be with the boys. I make the effort to hug them and kiss them and I tell them I love them when I want to. But I'm aware that this doesn't come completely naturally to me, and that makes me feel I'm not maternal in the sense that some other women are." chelle Where to next?
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