What makes us maternal?What is it that makes us maternal? Does maternal instinct really exist?
Sam Pope debated the topic with her friend, talked to psychologist Dr
Sandra Wheatley, and asked
Motherhood made meI was having a coffee with a friend of mine the other day, talking, as you do, about fashion, work, relationships etc, when the conversation turned rather philosophical. She leaned towards me and said, worriedly, that the two biggest highlights in her life were the pregnancies and births of her two children, even though she had been as sick as a dog and a certified insomniac with both. "I felt my body was doing something amazing and natural," she confided, "and I loved the buzz it gave me to be part of such a process." She was so hooked on this feeling that she was yearning for a third child just so she could go through it all again. She was frightened that nothing else in her life would live up to the thrill of it all and that there was nothing exciting left for her to look forward to. First of all, I reassured her that it was wonderful that she could feel so positive about her pregnancies and births. For me, her reaction to her pregnancies and births was what all women should feel if they were made of good mothering stock. I hated being pregnant even though I had a relatively easy time of it, with morning sickness till week 20 and then moderate SPD from the third trimester. I just felt 'invaded' for the entire 42 weeks of pregnancy and didn't like the way my 'amazing' body was telling me not to eat or drink things or wear or use perfumed products (the smell of anything scented made me heave). The birth was long and traumatic and I had trouble bonding with my little girl for months. In fact it might be true to say that it took a good year or even two for me to feel comfortable and relaxed with her. I don't know if that was down to my negative feelings about pregnancy and birth or just that I found the baby/toddler years tricky. However, I definitely didn't think I was the 'motherly' type and a couple of people, close relatives included, suggested that perhaps I wasn't maternal. Even my doctor, when I told her I didn't like breastfeeding, said, "So you're not the Earth Mother type, then?". A real or pretend tea party?These remarks, made in an innocent enough way, hurt a great deal. I felt a failure at something that was supposed to come naturally to me. I told this to my friend, who was sympathetic and tried, in turn, to reassure me, saying it was obvious I had a great relationship with my daughter now. I laughed and said how much I loved playing around with her and her friends, making a fool of myself on bouncy castles and finding delight in her turn of speech and observations on life. My friend shook her head and admitted that she couldn't be bothered with all that stuff. Sure, she loved her children more than anything else but give her the choice of a cuppa and a chat with her mates or doing Ring-a-Roses with all their kids, and the tea and company won hands-down. I then said I would like to have more children but the idea of going through pregnancy and birth really put me off. In fact, I was more interested in adopting than having my own, as I didn't feel that a child had to come out of my body for me to feel loving towards it. We sat there for a moment and thought about what it meant to be maternal. Can motherly love kick in at any time or can you only be classified as properly maternal if it's there from the start? But what if those intense emotions lessen as time wears on? Are you only, then, a pretender to the throne? Stop beating yourself up for not being naturally maternalI called psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley to see what take she could offer on this debate. And what the hell was maternal instinct anyway? "The first thing," said Sandra, "is to break down the term into two separate words and concentrate on 'instinct'. Instinct is something that you feel you are inherently good at. Your skill lies in the fact that you can carry out related tasks easily and effectively." "However, what is unhelpful," Sandra continued, "is that instinct is only applied to emotive areas, like motherhood. I mean, you may be a fantastic gardener or a wonderful chef but you'd never say you have 'gardening instinct' or 'cooking instinct'. Suddenly, when you put 'instinct' after 'maternal' you are entering an emotional playing field, where it is assumed that this ability with children has to be natural. It doesn't. You learn to garden and cook and, as you practise, your skills evolve. It's the same with motherhood, so stop beating yourself up for not being naturally maternal." Great expectationsThis is a very interesting view and one that appeals to me. We are forever saying that babies don't come with instruction leaflets and that being a parent is the hardest thing we will ever do. So why do we then go against all this and assume that we have to be perfect at relating with our children or else we've failed the big maternal test? Sandra tried to put things into perspective. "For most parents, the natural default setting isn't, 'I always know what to do', it's, 'Bloody hell, what on earth is happening?'. We take skills that we have gained from other areas in life and apply them to our jobs as parents. It may be that you are more comfortable with babies than with older children, or vice versa, because these different stages require different skills. That doesn't make you a bad parent because you can't be perfect with all phases; it makes you human. "From what I have noticed with the mothers I have worked with is that it typically takes nine months or so for them to really get to know their baby inside out: their needs, wants, what every cry means, etc. This is interesting in itself as it is directly proportionate to the length of pregnancy. And it really is an evolving process: babies can't tell you exactly what they need and they don't like waiting around while you try to guess! So why should you be expected to know?" What about women who feel it is their vocation to be a mother though? Who can't wait to have children and who find it completes their life? "It's true that many women say they find motherhood easy," Sandra admitted. "I think, however, that they are the ones who had realistic expectations of their own behaviour and limitations from the start. This doesn't mean at all that they find motherhood easy; it probably means that their expectations weren't too high to begin with so what they do have seems better than they thought it might have been. So, for example, maybe they thought that they would have horrendous sleepless nights. When faced, instead, with only two wake-up calls in the night, this doesn't seem so bad at all." About Dr WheatleyDr Sandra Wheatley has over a decade's experience as a psychologist and has worked with the University of Leicester on matters relating to antenatal and postnatal depression. She has recently published a book called Nine women, nine months, nine lives, examining the experiences of nine women expecting their first baby and has appeared on such programmes as The Wright Stuff, Big Brother's Little Brother and Baby House. Page 1 of 2 >> Next Whereto next?
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